edited

"Any suggestions?"

I wound up policing the spouse for a very long time.

My suggestion would be to consider whether or not you want to be doing this at all. It takes a tremendous amount of your time and energy. I'm not saying let your guard down. You'll probably never be fully at ease with him again. You could basically assume his affair is still on until he proves it otherwise.

I totally understand the feeling that you need to do this. It can lead to some humiliating memories though. Does he deserve this level of attention from you right now?

Maybe I should have allowed my spouse to police himself---fully, and then focused all my energy on my own strategies if he chose to betray me again. It's true that once busted they can become much more skillful at hiding the affair, but does that mean that the detective work has to be ramped up? It's exhausting. Self-responsibility is in the wrong place when this happens. I wish I'd have handled myself differently sometimes.

Try to keep a reading on how potentially unhealthy the marital relationship can get for you--parent/naughty child or adult/adult.

WildRice,
Good point. Can't seem to get out of that mode, though (parent/child) since he has been behaving so child like for the past 20 years. I hate being the parent! However, he is beginning to act like an adult lately, so maybe I can give him some leeway. See, this is why I run it across you guys here in the forum first...