A subject that we (as a forum) seem to be a bit torn is whether or not to tell the kids. I realize that a primary concern is the maturity of the child. But I think (and I use the word "think" in the looses of terms as my thoughts are a bit convulated at the moment) that if the child is old enough to carry on a mature conversation, he/she should be told the truth. My reasoning? Statistics show that often kids repeat their parent's mistakes, including infidelity. I think if you can hold a mature conversation which includes what happened, what led up to the affair, how remorseful the WS feels, as well as what steps the WS is taking to be faithful from this time forth, you might be able to deter your child from making the same mistakes. If you lie to your pre-teen or teenager, I think you may make their situation worse in the long run. For one, kids know a lot more than we give them credit. I am a high school counselor, and believe me, some parents would hide under a rock and never come out if they knew what their kids were telling me. Secondly, I fear you may be diminishing the effect an A has on a person/couple/family. Case in point: My H's father had a A when H was 10 years old. H didn't know about the A, only that one day dad was there, the next day he wasn't. Eventually he found out, but in retrospection, never recalls hearing his parents "discuss" what was going; he never saw his mother cry or suffer for that matter. He felt abandoned by his dad thereby killing his self-esteem which eventually led to his own A's. But in H's mind, he wasn't his father because he would never leave me or the kids and really didn't think the A would cause the pain we have suffered because he never saw the pain as a child.
I would love to hear thoughts on both sides about the subject.
You aren't alone, Margie. Peggy Vaughan (author of the Mothogany Myn) also believes that parents should be open and honest with their children . The way she explains it, keeping those kinds of secrets from children are part of the problem - we grow up in an environment that undervalues openness and honesty while supporting secrecy especially about sex (what we don't know can't hurt us) and .
Other players in our lives, like Hollywood, are more than happy to fill the information vacuum for us but they tend to give us a very distorted view of what affairs are really like. Children (and the adults they become) wind up with a distorted view of their own sexuality. Those kinds of views are a breeding ground for affairs - or so the argument goes.
My own kids have made it very clear that they do not want to know the details about our maritial discord or divorce but I suspect that they will have a few questions for me at some point in their lives.
I struggled with this as well. My children were aged 8, 9 and almost 16 years old at the time it happened.
I walked around with puffy, tear filled eyes for days. I said I had a really bad cold. The smaller kids bought it, but my teenager didn't buy it. He kept asking what was wrong and I kept lying. Until about a week later my sister called me. Said my older son had called her and said he knew I didn't have a cold, that I was lying and he thought I was dying of cancer and just wouldn't tell him. He wanted her to find out what was going on.
I knew then that having his father fall off the pedistool he had him on would be a hard one for him, but I couldn't let him think I was dying and I knew at his point he would want an explanation and would not accept anything less.
I told my husband about my sisters phone call and that our son had to know. Not every detail, but the basic. Not only did he have to know, but it had to come from my husband himself.
My husband didn't want him to know. He felt he didn't need to know that he cheated, just that we were having problems and were working on them. I told him he has to tell him.
WE took my son outside and my husband said "your mother and I are having some problems in our marriage. I did something I shouldn't of with another woman. Your mom and I both still love each other and were going to work on fixing things. So if mom is walking around sad for a while that is why. If you have any questions then you can ask me anytime. If I'm at work, you call and I'll stop what I'm doing and talk to you."
My husband then asked him if had any questions. My son said no and got up and walked away. About 2 minutes later we heard a loud thud. I ran into my son's room and he was sitting on his bed with tears in his eyes and a hole in his wall.
I went and told my H what happened and he asked my son to go for a drive with him. My son refused, but I talked him into going. My H said he reinforced to him that we love him, that he will talk to my son anytime he wants etc. He even asked my son if he wanted to hit him, that he's let him. My son declined.
That was 2 1/2 yrs. ago.
My son has not brought it up to my H, but he has to me maybe 4 times since. First two times was in a passing statement of disbeleif. EG: "I can't beleive what dad did. I don't see him the same anymore". I would then say do you want to talk about it, and he would just change the subject.
The last two times were in anger. Him and I would be arguing about something and my son would all of a sudden come out with it. As recently as a couple months ago we were arguing and he said "your stupid", I asked why and he said "because you stayed with dad when he f***ed some b**ch. I should of hit him when I had the chance". I was shocked. Again I tried to get him to discuss it calmly with me but he wanted no part of it.
I've tried to bring it up to him a few times when he IS calm and he just says I don't want to talk about it, it's history. But it must bother him because like I said, it has come out a couple times in the last two years in anger.
So in hindsight, do I wish my teenager didn't know or am I glad he knows?
Well, I think it helped me that he knew, because when I was sad (which I tried really hard not to show around him)he knew why and would help out with the younger kids etc.
HOWEVER, it's bad enough my H is tarnished in my eyes, but to do that to a boy who's dad was "god" to him. I don't think it was so good now. I think we should of just left it at 'marital problems' and not mentioned another woman. Looking back I think I insisted because I wanted everyone to hate my H as much as I did at that moment. I think that was really selfish of me and although I've read that it's normal for teens to have my son's same reaction I'm not so sure it was a good idea anymore.
My H and my son have the normal father/teen conflicts, but I don't think this knowledge my son has in the back of his mind helps. JMO
I honestly don't believe anyone under the age of 18 has the maturity to grasp all the issues and nuances around marriage, marital issues, commitment, compromise, and definitely infidelity.
What my daughter would hear if she learned this would be that dad is a horrible person who hurt mom and mom is stupid for staying with dad.
My daughter is 13 and is a critical point in her life. She is on the brink of puberty. She is confused about boys, confused about how much her friends are changing and distrustful of her own feelings. She's trying to figure it all out same as we did at that age. I don't want to leave her with the feeling that men are liars and cheaters and you can't trust them.
She's also at that, very normal, stage where young girls start to rebel against dad. Do we need to add more fuel to the fire?
And then there's my 9 year old son. He adores me -- he's definitely mama's little boy. And he adores his dad. Of course he knows what cheating and infidelity are but let's be honest here, if I can't even figure out why his dad did what he did, how the heck are these kids going to get it?
The bottom line is this -- in my case until the issue resolves itself in some way I can't explain it to them. I can't explain it to them because I can't explain it to myself. I can't talk about what happened without anger and bitterness and I can't explain to my kids how hurting me had nothing to do with them. And you don't know why I can't explain it? Because it did hurt them and when dad wrecked our marriage, he wrecked our family. How are they going to feel anything but the same anger, bitterness and sense of betrayal that I felt?
If you reconcile and remain together, then it can come back the way adarim related regarding her son.
If you don't reconcile, and split up, then it may drive a permanent wedge between your kids and their father.
Either way, it seems like a losing proposition.
My kids were 9 and 13 on d-day. There was no pressing need to discuss it with them because the fights and confrontations took place when they were not home or asleep, and we didn't separate at the time. Sometimes "adult" information in the hands of an immature child is not helpful.
I think your right, 'adult' information is just that.
It's sometimes easier for you to reconcile (can't use the word 'forgive'.....not going to do that... ever) with your spouse then it is for other members of the family, especially the kids.
Follow your heart. You know your situation and kids better than us. Consider all that folks have shared, but in the end it is your family and your life and you need to do what you can live with. Having a child from the A living with us part time, we had little choice but to tell our children. It's not pretty, but it is what it is and the kids are doing fine.
jbean
They were 12, 10 and 4....I didn't feel the need to hide it. They had lost their friends too since it was with a family friend. I didn't get into it all...it was enough to say that your father had an affair with Mrs. xx and I think we are getting a divorce. I didn't say dad was a terrible guy or that anything other then the simple truth. They cried and asked if we could stay together and I explain that dad and I were married and when you are married to someone you only have sex with that person....I explained how hurt I was and knew how hurt they were too, but that it would all work out, but I didn't think was fair to be expected to stay...but we'll see what happens. I told them that we loved them and not to worry too much, we would always be there for them and that having an affair didn't mean that daddy didn't love them.
It was difficult, but I truly believe in honesty!! My children are now 4 years older and we are still together, we talk about some, but the children are really happiest not talking about it. They never asked too many questions....before the affair their dad wasn't much of a father...he was traveling a lot and when he was home he drank and fell asleep.
I would always encourage anyone to tell the truth...be strong and an adult even when it hurts...the children are entitled to know what is going on in their own house and with their parents.
Secondly, I fear you may be diminishing the effect an A has on a person/couple/family. Case in point: My H's father had a A when H was 10 years old. H didn't know about the A, only that one day dad was there, the next day he wasn't. Eventually he found out, but in retrospection, never recalls hearing his parents "discuss" what was going; he never saw his mother cry or suffer for that matter. He felt abandoned by his dad thereby killing his self-esteem which eventually led to his own A's. But in H's mind, he wasn't his father because he would never leave me or the kids and really didn't think the A would cause the pain we have suffered because he never saw the pain as a child.