Weird thing, men... For the second time in as many weeks, a married pig has TOTALLY come on to me. I guess I've lived a sheltered life, I really had no idea that so many people cheat! Good grief.
The first one is a subcontractor at my job. Really a cute guy, very funny and personable and quite the flirt. He shares the same name as STBXH, so that was his first strike. He completely flirts with me, tells me off color jokes, and finds reasons to hang around my desk and chat... so I ask one of the other guys, "What's his story?" He said, "Oh, XXXX? He's a good guy. He's funny. He's married." I ask him later after he's said something that absolutely straightened my curly hair, "Do you kiss your wife with that mouth?" We bantered back and forth and I said, "XXXX, would you say this in front of her wife?" He said, "Oh, she wouldn't care." I said, "RIGHT! She wouldn't care only if she was headless! Have you cheated on her?" He said, "Well, the opportunity really hasn't come up." He tells me later they've been married 14 months! MONTHS!
The second... Ugh. My brother works at a pub on the weekends. He calls today and said, "Mike wants you to come up here." I said, "Mike who!?" He tells me his last name and it's another guy from work, also married. He and I are buds and just crack on eachother all the time. He's my MOM'S age. I go up there and he's already drunk. He proceeds to tell me that he's had "a thing" for me for quite sometime, that he's unhappy at home, and that he and his wife (whom I ADORE!) haven't had sex in a year. I nearly died. I said, "Ok, you've got to stop this BS. You say you love her (but not like he should, he claims...) and she takes care of you, then get there or get gone. Don't do this to her." He backed off, so I stayed a little bit longer to finish the drink. He's feeling all stupid because every thing he says is more crude than the thing before (and he's getting nowhere) - graphic things he wants to do to me, etc. I grabbed my purse, got my keys and said, "I think it's time I go before one of us does something we won't be too proud of Monday morning at work." He said, "Oh, you're thinking about us getting out of here and going somewhere, aren't you?" I said, "No, I'm thinking about DECKING you so it's best I leave." And with that, I left.
I am absolutely stunned. I am wearing an "I'm easy" sign on my head because my STBX has left? What makes a person think just because I am now single that they can say whatever pops into their pea-sized head? I am starting to enjoy the company of my DOG more and more... If I'm putting out some kind of married man vibe, I'll have to figure out how to turn it off because it's not that type of party!! I could never do that, willingly, to another human being - even if her husband could. ARGH!!
Monica
This is your life... are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
I think some men interpret personal banter in a way different from most women. It is just one of the things that make male-female friendships tricky. For many men, there is a sexual undertone to "friendly banter" with women. (See forky's current thread and the older thread by Margie that he refers to.)
In a workplace, it is inevitable that women and men, married and not, will be thrown together under a variety of circumstances. We certainly have to be at least polite and courteous to the people we interact with at work.
Sometimes a willingness to make more than small talk is an indication of interest in a person. As a married man, I was willing to simply let that situation give me a little warm glow and then let it go without any pursuit.
As a single man, I am much more interested in following up, in seeing where things might go.
What I guess I'm trying to say is, sometimes guys never move from the "single" mindset to the "married" mindset.
On the other hand, I think if you know that a man is married and continue to have personal conversations with him, you may be putting yourself out there a little too far.
When a guy who doesn't "think married" runs into a woman who appears to him to be at least a little interested, I think your experiences have a higher probability to happen.
You make very valid points. I don't really think that I was coming across as available - I really wasn't trying to send that message... but, like with my STBX, any attention from the opposite sex is GOOD attention, to some.
With the guy yesterday, he and I have never had personal conversations before - that was the thing that shocked me with all of his revelations. He had a big health scare over the summer, that was about as personal as we got - but he discussed it openly with everyone in the office. I tried to help him with quitting smoking and recommended what had helped my STBXH. He used to date a friend of my Mom's, so I never looked at him in "that" way. Eww! I told him about 100 times that the things he was saying to me were 100% inappropriate and that he wasn't being fair to his wife. It's not even an option to argue with a drunk so I'm sure that was all lost on him. I don't have ANY interest in him at all. I guess I should have been a little more assertive in letting him know.
I firmly believe that there are men and women who cannot have friends of the opposite sex. I can - and do - maintain several friendships with men... but I work very hard not to let the lines blur. One of my biggest cheerleaders over the course of my separation has been my neighbor, a divorced man. We have pretty plainly established boundaries and our conversations never spill over into inappropriate. He's simply BTDT and knows the emotional hell that I'm going through.
I don't want to embarrass the guy from work, but I will let him know that I'm not the least bit interested... maybe when he's sober, it will get through to him.
Thanks for the input, Chris, I am really learning that men and women ARE that different.
This is your life... are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
I was thinking about my actions towards the guy from work - and if I really HAD put out some weird vibe... So, I called a co-worker and told her the story. She was as shocked as I was. I said, "Do you think that I interact with him inappropriately?" She said, "Mon, you don't act any differently with him than you do anyone else. I can't believe he said all that to you. I mean, he jokes around with all of us and tells us all off-color jokes, it never made me feel creepy... but it will now!"
She promised to come to my desk whenever he's in the building (he's in an out, he doesn't work IN the office). She thinks I should talk to his union rep and let him know that if anything happens AT work, it will be followed up on. I am not going to say anything about it - hopefully he has forgotten what he said in his drunken stupor. If he says anything while we're at work, I'll go to my supervisor and let her go to the union rep.
I don't want to make a huge stink out of this, I just want it to go away. Yuck. I feel like I have done something wrong and that I need to scrub myself with Comet Cleanser!
Monica
This is your life... are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
If you wanted this all to just go away, escalating it by bringing in another coworker might not have been the right way. I also think the union thing is an unnecessary escalation too.
Remember, it was YOUR choice to go to the bar to meet him. It would not be hard to imagine he got the wrong idea from that, especially if his judgement was impaired by drink.
Chris - you're right about going to the pub... I suppose if he had something ELSE in mind, it might have looked like I was interested by me going. I didn't have any reason to think it was anything more than 2 work friends having a beer on a Saturday afternoon, no different than the (female) friend I told about the incident and I having a beer after work. When I left the house, I didn't know his wife wouldn't be up there! Had he EVER - even one time - gave me the feeling that he was interested in me, I wouldn't have gone, period. He never did, so I went.
I hadn't planned to say anything to his union rep unless he doesn't respect my boundaries.
I didn't ask for this, no matter how differently men and women see things. There is no way that I could have predicted the way that hour would go.
Monica
This is your life... are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
I have to say...I can (somewhat) relate to your story.
A couple of months before I found out about H's affair, a female friend of mine needed some part-time help at a gym that she owns. (I'm a stay at home mom...and because of H's lack of interest in me and our marriage at the time...the part-time job was a good diversion for me.) Anyway, I could not believe the kind of lives some people lead! In that gym alone...there must have been at least 7 men and maybe 4 women (that I knew of) who were either in the midst of an affair or who were known to have had affairs in the past. In fact one of the men (who repulses me to no end) has had numerous affairs with women at the gym...his wife is a member there as well...and sometimes you'll actually see him making obscene gestures to his potential 'lover(s)' while his wife's back is turned! A couple of these men had made suggestive comments to me...and as a result I refuse to acknowlege their presence when I see them. Luckily they got the hint (although they now they think I'm a snobby bi@#h)...as if I give a sh#*!
Having been in the company of a couple of pathalogical cheaters...I was almost thankful that my husband did not fall into that category. Although he had an A...he was not one of these drooling predators looking for his next vulnerable victim. It's quite an eye-opener...especially when you've never been exposed to this type of behaviour.
There's this guy I work with that I have known for maybe 15 years. Good guy. Smart. Married with three kids. We share an unusual bond in that we both had kids within a week of each other but his child, unfortunately, only lived for a few weeks. And he shared with me once how seeing pics of my child reminds him of his and how painful his loss was.
Well, this guy is VERY friendly with the ladies. He calls women "darling" and "sweetheart" and "sexy" and its a game for him. He phones me for something and says "Sweetheart....can you do this for me?" And most of the time I felt safe to play along.
Well my attitude towards this playfulness changed after d-day. I saw it in a different light. I wondered how his wife would feel about his speaking to other women this way. How would she feel about his other tendency to hug women? Wouldn't his intimate manner with virtual strangers diminish and cheapen his manner with her? If he calls every woman who does some work for him at the office "darling", where does that put her?
We were at a conference together earlier this year out of town and one night they arranged a social evening for the attendees. There were about 200 - 300 of us and we had a bar for the evening. There was dancing and drinking -- an all around good time. Well this guy and his best bud from the office (also a married man) spent most of the night chatting up the very pretty, very young bartender. They took turns dancing with her. Each pinch hit for the other in flirting with her. After the evening ended at about 2AM, they even included her in a "breakfast" thing they did at an all night Denny's with the gang.
And again I wondered, even if it was innocent (yeah right), how would his wife feel? And how might it change into something alot less innocent if this young bartender was willing and able to spend an evening in a fancy, shmancy hotel room with one of these guys?
When you play with fire, you're gonna get burnt. So you gotta be careful about these things. After watching this incident unfold I started distancing myself from this guy. We still work together but I try very hard to keep the sexual banter at bay. I don't want to become the topic of idle gossip nor do I want to encourage or contribute to this kind of behaviour in a married man.
I was on a cruise with my wife. We were in Jamaca at Jimmy Buffet's Margarittaville. We were on the dance floor. This woman leans over to me while we were dancing and says "see the blonde at the corner of the bar, she wants you". I couldn't believe what I had heard. I thought she must have said something else. I must have heard it wrong. A few minutes later she repeated what she had said, "my friend, the blonde at the corner of the bar wants you". OMG-----I heard it right the first time. I told her that I was like the most married guy in the room.
She says, "look at her, she wants you". I said, "I'm married!!!"
She says, "that don't matter, she still wants you".
My point is, there are people of both genders who hit on others.
Damn I will be in Jamaica soon on a cruise and I am blonde but I assure you I won't be hitting on married men!
MONICA there is a huge sign on your forehead............change it to read something different like LOOKING FOR SINGLE (DOUBLE UNDERLINE THAT) MAN WITH MONEY!!
<<MONICA there is a huge sign on your forehead............change it to read something different like LOOKING FOR SINGLE (DOUBLE UNDERLINE THAT) MAN WITH MONEY!!
>>
Thanks, Kid... LOL! I think now, it says, "If I talk to you - like I would talk to any other person in the world - that means I want to hook up with you. I'm newly separated and probably desperate, so say whatever you like to me!!" (Of course, with all that to say, the type must be really small thus making it hard to read..)
I know there are pigs of both genders - it amazes me that vows mean SO little to so many.
This is your life... are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
"In fact one of the men (who repulses me to no end) has had numerous affairs with women at the gym.."
Interesting. I had some married guy trying to pick me up at the gym too. He always tells me how great he thinks I look when he sees me and it gets on my nerves, especially because I keep thinking about his poor wife. One day he told me that he wished his wife looked the way I did and you know what I told him?
I told him that if he paid as much attention to his wife as he did to me, his wife would probably be happy to get in shape for him. I also told him that HE could do things to help his wife get in shape like walking with her or whatever. He told me he liked to run and I told him he could do both. Women love a man who will work out with them even if it's just a fun walk. He still talks to me on occasion but hasn't mentioned his wife since LOL!
