So, where does it come from you think this occassional wish that your WS will love you and want you again despite all that's happened?
I hear people who haven't gone through this say "If my H/W did that to me I'd kick them out right away" and I say to myself "Hah! No you wouldn't. If you only knew how hard it is to actually do that." But now I think that those people have it right. Absolutely. You shouldn't let a lying, cheating, spouse off too easily. You deserve better.
And I think that now because I believe that no one is thinking straight after d-day. Immediately we blame ourselves. We can't kick them out because, well, it was our fault. We weren't good enough. We weren't attentive. We're fat, old, ugly, boring, bad lovers -- whatever. And yet we're wrong -- the problem is not with us -- its THEM...
And yet...we want them back...desparately. Why? If a conman bilked you out of house and home and took you for a fool would you be running after them to be your friend and financial adviser? No! But we do this with cheating spouses. Why?
The other day I had this flicker of hope -- this feeling that maybe, just maybe my HINO would want me again. He was being nice and friendly and attentive and I felt this rush of gladness. Wow! Maybe he wants me now! Maybe he's come to his senses...and...and...WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE! Here is a guy who has put me through heck and back for more than three years! He's rejected me sexually with no explanation. He slept with another woman. After d-day he continued to see her. He's offered no explanation to me other than "sorry". He's made it perfectly clear that we were better off "not married" and done nothing to make me feel wanted and loved and here I am hoping and wishing and praying....WTF?!
Its about self-esteem I think. Its about my identity being so wrapped up in my relationships with others and how they feel about me and what they think and how I appear in their eyes that I just CAN'T STAND the fact that someone might no longer want to be with me. Its like I need him to love me again to feel like I'm worth it.
But he's a friggin loser -- so why should I care at all how I appear in his eyes?
Sorry to ramble on, its just something I'm trying to work through.
I agree that fairy tales set us up for that "wish". But they aren't poison so much as they are instructive, inspirational, and they represent an ideal outcome. At this point in my life I appreciate them for what they are but don't expect the same ending.
I think for me its less about that and its more about knowing how good it feels. When you know what it feels like to have that rush of love and attraction and passion and admiration -- it's hard not to want it again. And when what was once a source of all that good feeling suddenly cuts it off -- its a heck of a withdrawl process.
Its means ALOT to me to be loved. And I gotta work on that. I gotta work on loving myself and finding sources of love around me. I miss the intimacy that's for sure...
Jane,
The key is loving yourself...if you don't love your self no one else will...
In My IC sessions that is the focus we have been working on... H said I didn't care about me so he didn't care about me when he was having his ONS's and his A...we try to please everyone around us but do we please ourselves...am I happy with me? I have to be happy with me.tell myself I am woth something. so hard to learn to do and believe after 50 years of trying to please everyone and not pleasing anyone...
<<I think for me its less about that and its more about knowing how good it feels. When you know what it feels like to have that rush of love and attraction and passion and admiration -- it's hard not to want it again. And when what was once a source of all that good feeling suddenly cuts it off -- its a heck of a withdrawl process. >>
For me, it's not only about knowing how great it feels to be in a GOOD relationship, but knowing that not only am I not getting that kind of attention from my STBXH, someone else is.
My security is gone - along with a great deal of my self-worth and confidence. I counted on STBXH to take care of certain things and now that I'm responsible for everything, I realize how much I counted on him. When I have a bad day and I'm sad about the death of our marriage, my first instinct is to turn to him. There are some days it hurts so badly the only thing I want to do is hear his voice...
We had a discussion on Thanksgiving evening about my needing to hear from him. I don't need him to say, "I love you and want to repair our marriage." All I need from him is to say, "I'm sorry you're having a bad day." He said his first instinct is to go to me and take care of me when he knows I'm hurting, that he has to fight that urge because we're making the break. He also said that somedays when he's compassionate with me, that he feels like we start from square one (meaning, that I want him back, want to work out our problems, etc.). That actually made me laugh. I said, "You think that just because you show me some kindness and compassion that I've forgotten what horrible things you've done and want to get back with you? Quit flattering yourself! I know that this divorce is the best thing for me - it doesn't make it hurt any less, but I know it's the best thing, for the long range."
After all the horrible things he has said and done to me, I still miss "us" - and the security that I thought went along with that. I feel like I've done something wrong (if I'd only this or that...) because he's turned off that part of his love for me. I feel like I've failed somehow because I couldn't change him and make him love ONLY me. It's more that I didn't get CLOSURE about my feelings for him, like he did for me. He made the choice and I have to live with it.
In my last C session, she said, "You're saying to me, 'I keep putting my hand in the fire and I'm getting burned.' I'm telling you to quit putting your hand in the fire because it does burn and you're telling me, 'I just want it to quit hurting.' We have to work on that." I know the fire is going to burn, but I keep hoping that just this ONE time, it's not going to hurt. Thank goodness I see her on Tuesday. It's been a long week!
Monica
This is your life... are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
I can't answer that for anyone else but I can say that for me it was FEAR- no doubt about it.
I hadn't been alone for years and didn't know how I'd make it on my own. I also didn't really know there were men out there that were any different than my X but I've come to realize there are. Now I see how warped my thinking was back then. I've really been on my own for a very long time since X is military and had a very demanding job and I did nearly everything on my own anyway including support his job to a great extent. Honestly, I have more time on my hands now than I did WITH him and I am now a happier person not dealing with his porn, constant TV and computer usage, his negativeness and on and on :>) WHAT WAS I THINKIN? LOL!
Why do we want them back? Well as I see it, we weren't the ones who wanted 'out' anyway, so why should our feelings suddenly take an about-turn to the point of wanting them GONE immediately? Granted, as time goes on, you slowly realise that they're not that special any more, and you become more blase about the relationship. I know I have. It's like......Whatever.
Also, I really believe that the deceit, long before we know about it, erodes our self-esteem. We know SOMETHING is wrong somewhere, but can't figure it out, so we don't listen to our inner voices too closely. It is gaslighting and it is destructive. When we DO find out, we're already unsteady and confused........and then we are pushed over into the mud.
Most of us aren't married to a conman who came suddenly into our lives and then hoodwinked us. Of course we'd kick somebody out like that. But the people we're married to have legal ties, financial ties, familial ties, a history and intimacy that can span years......It's not so easy to say See Ya. Even if we do get rid of them, there is still a period of time, if ever, where you can't leave them behind anyway. If there are children.......probably never. This isn't some stranger that we can turn our backs on and never give a second thought to.
And remember, people making those comments about "I'd never...." are coming from a place of strength and confidence in their relationships. Their tunes would change if they were to find out in the next ten seconds that life was not what they thought it had been.....
You are completely right. My STBXH can't understand why I'm not friendlier with him. He can't understand why I lash out at him somedays. He can't understand why I'm not ready to "move on".
He gets really mad when I remind him that, although HE let go a long damn time ago, that he had a jump start on me and it's taking me longer to catch up.
I woke up mad at him today... Actually, I woke up in the middle of the night MAD at him.
UGHHHH!
Monica
This is your life... are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
<<I just CAN'T STAND the fact that someone might no longer want to be with me.>>
Boy, do I know how that feels. It's like, "Hey, what's wrong with me? Why don't you like me anymore?"
I can't stand when anyone -- family, friends, co-workers, etc. -- does not like me. It really does bother me. Why? I guess it's what Jane said -- self esteem issues.
I know that my H's ONS had nothing to do with me not providing something for him or lacking something personally. It was about him searching for something, anything to make him happy again and wanting to feel love. He felt too "unlovable" to be close to me, so he sought out a stranger who did not know him or his "history." He could re-invent himself into whatever he wanted.
Jane, have you tried being nicer to him when he is in his "better moods"? I know he is your HINO, but maybe if you start doing things for him like you did before the betrayal, he'll want to continue to be nicer. It's just a theory.
Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not saying for you to throw yourself at him. Don't look needy, just appreciative. Let him know that you get what you give. I told my husband that I'll do practically anything for him (even things I don't particularlly want to do) if he treats me nice. When he takes a nasty tone with me I just repeat the phrase, "I will not listen to you or pay attention to you as long as you treat me in this manner." Sometimes he just blows his stack and stomps off, but guess what, he comes crawing back and treats me right. Then he gets his reward. He's learning.I learned this method by training my dogs. Works for husbands too!
You know the thing with dogs is that you get what you give. Actually often you get more than you give. They love you pretty much unconditionally.
I think in my relationship I've been the "dog" for most of it -- fetching the paper, wagging my tail, begging for attention and loving unconditionally no matter how few backscratches I got.
I'm tired of it Lisa. I'm just trying to figure out why I've been such a faithful dog for so long. Why I haven't turned and bitten yet.
I've actually decided to do quite the opposite -- cut it off -- I'm not being a b*tch (or a female dog for that matter) -- I'm just deciding to do the absolute minimum I need to do to have a peaceful coexistance for as long as I need to.
That's the thing. Make HIM the dog. Continue to cut him off if he is his usual jerk self. But on those occaisions that he does show a softer, gentler, kinder side, respond in kind.
I know your impulse is just to say "screw you, I've done enough," but if you really want something more than your current arrangement, and I get the feeling that you do, I think you have to do this.
Again, I am not saying be a doormat. If he continues to mistreat you, then by all means, continue to cut him off. But if he does humble himself and offer you some kindness, then you too should stifle your inner beeyotch and humble yourself in kind. Don't be the puppy waving its tail. Instead, be the good master who pets the head of the dog that comes and lays by her feet, even though 5 minutes ago he shredded your favorite comforter.
It's so unfair that we, the BS, have to work on our marriages when we were not the ones who ruined it in the first place. But we do have to work alongside our WS.
Maybe in those few moments when he shows some compassion he's reaching out to you. If you continue to reject that, he'll eventually give up and stop, just like the dog who runs and hides from people or turns vicious because it was beaten as a puppy.
I could be wrong. You know your husband better than anyone. Maybe he is just throwing you a bone (more dog metaphors, I know) and has no intentions on making things better. But maybe, just maybe, he does want something more. You'll never know unless you try and frankly, what have you got to lose? What's the worse that could happen? That he didn't care? You've been through that already. The time will pass no matter what. Try spending it differently.
