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X marks the pot December 5 2004 at 5:37 PM		WildRice (Login WRRW)

I put this on Open too. Today I asked the X if he was planning on having our son anywhere around his affair partner during the holidays, because we won't tollerate it. He said, "You're still obsessed with it. Anyway, you can't dictate that. He (the boy) can make that call himself." I felt that old icky anger welling up again. His over-used term 'obsessed' to me means boundaries from his behavior and history of poor judgement, especially when it comes to his kids. His attempts at labeling it a pathological problem I have are to no avail. I'm not budging. Call it obsession or call it firm boundaries. Our son has established his own boundaries as well. He talks to me about these strong feelings but he has not told his father directly--until this evening. He wants nothing to do with her, and his interactions with his father are limited in a couple major ways. We both know that the X and the ow have few to no boundaries in this situation. It's very tricky to know how to handle all of this....and what to let go of. Anyway, my son got home here and immediately told me about this conversation his dad had with him. He said, "She (your mom) doesn't have the right to dictate who I can or can not introduce you to. Do you ever want to meet her(ow)?" Our son said, "No." The X said, "Never?" The boy said, "No. Not ever." This is a first. "You can't dictate that"---But I have full custody. He's an alcoholic and informed me long ago that the ow is a major pot head. I think that I probably can dictate that at least for the time being. Now he's heard it directly from our son too. But he's sneaky and mushy. She's like bold green ooze. Can't they just party down at her house with her kids and leave us out of the swamplands? I'm so glad I got custody.

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(Login PrincessofQuiteALot)
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Re: X marks the pot

December 5 2004, 7:52 PM

<<"You can't dictate that"---But I have full custody.>>

You sure can! Do you have anything in the papers to that effect? I have a friend at work who used to have a drinking problem - his ex had it in there that there was NO alcohol to be consumed in the presence of his daughter - or 12 hours prior. (I'm not sure how she intended to put that last part into effect, short of giving him a breathalyzer when he showed up to get the child). She had full custody.

When STBXH went through the visitation amendments w/his ex, she put in there that he MUST take her to all church, school, sporting, etc. activities during his visits (which sometimes meant cutting a trip short, etc. but he had to because that's what the papers said).

Having said all that, it's really difficult to prosecute someone for not doing what the papers say - and most times, the courts don't want to mess with it.

GOOD for your son for telling your ex HIS wishes... sort of takes YOU out of it, which is good. That way, you can't be the controlling ex, it was up to your son and that was HIS decision.

EDITED to add: An alcoholic AND a pothead. What a joyous pair they must be. Good grief.

Monica

This is your life... are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

This message has been edited by PrincessofQuiteALot on Dec 5, 2004 7:54 PM

WildRice
(Login WRRW)

x	December 5 2004, 8:33 PM

I pushed for the divorce decree to specify something to that effect. It says that neither party can be 'impaired' while taking care of the minor child. He drinks anyway, and we can not control the man, but it sure sealed the deal on custody. Also, the courts don't care about the affair partner, however, if the affair partner has substance abuse issues it sure can factor in. I told the attorneys and the mediator what the X repeatedly told me after d-day, "OW is a major pot head."

Worked for me. I got custody in a heartbeat.

Good lord, she's a registered nurse too. My son mentioned that to a therapist and he said he was obligated to report it. Funny how the the little rendezvous in the super 8 motel sprouted all over the place like a field of radioactive daisies.

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