I know, I'm back whining again... Geez, you people must be sick of me by now. Sorry, I just need to vent, and don't know where else to go...
My wife and I took a trip to San Francisco last weekend, and we generally had a great time. However, an odd thing happened during the massage I received at the spa we visited. Other than a few brief touches of my back, the female therapist never touched me with her hands? She mostly used the sides of her arms to massage my back, pushing me to the table more than rubbing. She spent a lot of time driving her knuckles into my hands to "massage" them, and when it came time to massage my feet she covered them with a towel before she touched them.
At first it was no big deal. I was having a good trip with my wife, and I just chalked it up to the therapist having a different technique, or just a bad day. But as time has passed, it has really been bugging me. Did I gross her out? Why wouldn't she touch me? I'm a clean person... Heck, I had already had two showers that day, as well as soaking in a hot tub. I don't stink, I don't have any weird rashes, or bumps, or anything. I brush and floss my teeth twice a day. Heck, I even think I have fairly attractive feet for a guy. Granted, I'm not Mr. Studly, I weigh a bit too much, I've got my share of body hair, and I'm half bald. But how many middle aged men are really that different?
Of course, my wife had a male massage therapist and came away gleeming about how "wonderful" her massage was...
So, I'm trying to just blow it off, but lately it seems my wife doesn't seem too enthused to kiss me either (especially anything involving a tongue and always seems to have an excuse when I try to hug her (things to do, I'm crushing her, etc. . She'll spend 5 minutes trying to avoid a 30 second hug.
I guess I'm getting a complex, and it's really starting to depress me. I tried to talk to my wife about it yesterday, but she responded with "You're so negative... Name one positive thing you've said all night". Yep. OK. Big help there. Knowing that my mother has had a history of mental illness, she couldn't resist telling me "You are just like your mother". Maybe I AM just nuts, who knows...
Then my wife has this gift certificate she received for a massage. Before our trip, I said something to the effect of "That sounds nice", in a jealous whining tone, I'm sure (we've always got massages as a couple). She said, if I wanted, that she could see if she could upgrade it to a couples massage. Again, I said "that sounds nice, if you feel like it". So, it's been a few weeks now and she asked me again if I wanted her to upgrade it. It just dawned on me that if she really wanted me along she would have upgraded it on her own. I don't want to whine my way into invading her good times. I'll just stay home where no one has to touch me or look at me...
I hear grocery stores will deliver food to your door now. I could just leave money on the front porch, and they could leave my food so they don't have to look at me. I'll become the legendary ugly old guy that lives on the mountain. Kids will sneak up here on dark late nights hoping to catch a glimpse of the ugly mountain man.
> swallow your pride and go with her.
> She can't read your mind.
It's not pride, I was never actually invited. I was jealous of her getting a massage, and kind of whined about it. She asked me multiple times if I wanted her to upgrade the gift certificate. "Do you want to go?....", Yes. "Do you want to go?....", YES. "Do you REALLY want to go?...". I guess not...
Besides, it was a gift to her, not to me or us. It was wrong of me to be jealous anyway. I'm just a spoiled little brat, wanting what the other kids have. And now, I'm not so sure I want it anyway.
> IMHO, you need that massage. It will reassure you
> that you ARE touchable.
To be honest, I'm a little nervous about getting another massage. This last one wasn't "bad", but it left me feeling insecure (more than usual). I don't know that I'm up for a repeat performance just yet.
If it weren't so funny, it would be enough to make a grown man cry.
Bart,
> Since when did those "HaHa"'s become 's?
Hmm... A few months ago I think. I'm trying to blend in. If I smile a lot, maybe they won't notice my stinch and hideous appearance...
Let me tell you about a massage that I had on a cruise last year. My therapist was a rather petite female barely tall enough to get leverage on me on the table. I don't think she ever used her fingers for anything on me except to place the hot stones on me. She used her elbows and forearms probably 90% of the time. I also found it unusual but it felt soooooo good. My wife was getting a massage at the same time as I in another room. When done we went back to our estate room and thought we would take a short nap until we needed to get dressed for a formal dinner. Needless to say, we slept through the entire night, like 11 hours, missed the dinner, and the dancing that we had both been looking forward to.
Point is, just because the massage therapist didn't touch you with fingers has nothing to do with how you look etc. Its their professional ways.
Anthony - Does anyone have a wet towel I can use? Snap out of it hun! You are what you resinate. Bad self esteam will drown you. If you are confident of yourself others will see you as confident. Don't let these thoughts linger in your mind any more. Grab ahold of them and throw them away! Any negative thoughts that you have about yourself stop and look at them. If you look hard enough you will find a positive about it.
Example:
Bald: Bald is Beautiful, My grammy said bald is a sign of inteligence, that there is so much brain power going on it scorches the root hair!
I have a few signs of age you know, like just a few grey hair (ha) and some wrinkles. Heck I wear them with pride because I EARNED EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM.
If you feel like she doesn't want you to go to the spa. Don't dwell on it. Let her go. And you go do something you want to do, something that would make you feel good. You have to make you happy.
Next time you get a massage, if the person does that again, say something. Assert yourself, say something like " your doing a great job there but could you please (insert what you want done)"
The towel thing on the feet I've seen before, it's a safety precaution because they have no way of knowing if someone has athletes foot or anything like that.
Try some of these things and if they don't make you feel better I'll send you the wet towel and you can snap me with it. OK?
> She used her elbows and forearms probably 90%
> of the time. I also found it unusual but it felt
> soooooo good.
I'll admit, the arms and elbows on my back felt OK at first, but it quickly got old. I wanted a massage, not to be put through a clothes wringer. I have a rolling pin here at home. I never did see the purpose of the knuckles in the palm of my hand, and she seemed to focus on that forever.
Another odd thing is that she had me turn face up partway through the massage, but never massaged anywhere on my front? No arms, no legs, no hands, feet, neck, or shoulders. Instead, she squeezed her fingers between me and the table to push on my back more! It was actually rather uncomfortable.
Of course, I'm too timid to speak up and say anything if I'm not liking something, and I was already so relaxed from the rest of the spa treatments. So, I just laid there and let her do her thing. I have no one to blame but myself.
> we slept through the entire night
Yep, that's usually the result of our massages as well. A quick "nap" turns into sleeping all day.
A massage therapist is profession just like a doctor, lawyer, etc.
They use various techniques. Using their arms instead of their fingers could be because the poor girls fingers were sore from something. Considering they do that for 8 hours a day I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe she had a blister and through the towel was easier.....there are a million reasons and none of them have a single thing to do with YOU.
No massage therapist cares about how the patient looks. Maybe how they smell but if you put on deodrant that day your probably safe LOL
Saying she wouldn't touch you because your ugly is like saying the gynecologist wouldn't deliver the baby cause he didn't like what he saw not likely !
Anthony, sorry, that was a bad choice of words. I use that term on myself a lot - swallow my pride. My H and I have to really dig to get our feelings out sometimes and I think of it as 'swallowing my pride' at times.
Are you saying that you actually told her that you wanted to go and she kept asking the question as if you were giving her the wrong answer?
Well, she's done this before and you have been able to just accept that it is just the way she is. Maybe after having such a great weekend, the real world is just hard to come back to. I felt the same way after our 3 week trip last summer.
You have every right to feel hurt and I have to commend you for coming here to get it out. You've come a long way Anthony and I continue to learn a lot from you.
Oh that reminds me. We had the strangest winter. Lots of rain without the snow. The whole deck has this green slime on it. I have never seen this before. I guess I'll be buying a lot of bleach this spring!
Anthony, the massage you recieved was technique. I kind of resemble a mountain gorilla and giving me a good massage is very difficult for some women if they are trying to get to deep tissue. Anytime I have a new massage therapist they always start with their hands and go to elbows.
The towel technique she used on you is also used on someone who has sensitive feet and tenses up with direct hand to foot contact.
You may in fact be ugly as sin and your wife may be repulsed by you, but you can't tell that from your SF massage. The two are not related. Don't overthink this too much.
Will
This message has been edited by willingtolearn on Dec 14, 2004 7:16 PM
hi, i dont get massage often, they are pretty expensive and a luxury really.
however there are different types of massage, one time i had one and there was no hand touching, just forearms on my body and elbows etc. it was weird so i asked why it felt differnt. they said it was an 'hawaian" massage where they dont use the hands just the forearms to massage with etc.
so maybe you are getting a different type of massage?
or maybe we are both ugly?
i liked it - it was different and strong, not a relaxing type massage but a pounding type one which was different but nice
A lot of your post is depression-speak, a language with which I am familiar.
You wrote: "I guess I'm getting a complex, and it's really starting to depress me."
This is a common misperception when depressed - the reality is that you are depressed and it is starting to give you a complex. Depression distorts the ability to respond in a new-brain, rather than an old-brain mode.
Man, do I know from self-doubt. Its brutal. I'll berate my daughter for being so hard on herself and self-critical while in the next breath I'm beating myself up about my love handles and my big butt or my skin or whatever....you name it.
And being the victim of an affair is no help either. Naturally with sex and attraction and looks being so intertwined in all our minds, we'll unconciously even link the affair with some personal failing in each of us.
All I can say is this Anthony -- take care of yourself for a little bit. Wife getting a message? Good for her. Why don't YOU now arrange a little treat for yourself. If you like massages, okay, book yourself an appointment. Or maybe you'd prefer to do something else -- a facial, a beer with friends, a poetry reading -- whatever strikes your fancy.
All I'm saying is that if we have to wrap up all our happiness and sense of self in what other people do or say or want to do with us, then we aren't really building a solid foundation for the future.
And as for the freaky massage -- hey, maybe she's just a bad masseuse! Why is it you that's the problem?
I typed in a big "Thank You" reply yesterday, but it never showed up? I wonder what happened to it?
Kid,
> the gynecologist wouldn't deliver the baby cause
> he didn't like what he saw
Funny you should mention that... Back when my wife was giving birth to our daughter, she was in labor for quite some time. We went through a few different shift changes at the hospital. One of the doctors that came on call was a "HUGE" man. This guy had to be 6'-10" tall, and built like a tank. He could have held "ME" in his arms like a baby. Anyway, I remember thinking at the time "THIS guy is gonna deliver MY baby"? My wife and I were both kind of startled as this giant of a man came in, had a little look-see between her legs, and went on his way. He never came back again, but he was someone we'll never forget... A humerous part of an amazing experience.
Teri,
> after having such a great weekend, the real world is
> just hard to come back to.
Yep, it's real hard to come back to real life after a wonderful weekend getaway...
> We had the strangest winter. Lots of rain
> without the snow.
We had a huge rainstorm last week. Discovered a small leak in the roof our NEW house near the woodstove chimney. Darn. Had to climb up there and try redoing the shingles and waterproofing around the chimney. Haven't had a leak since, but we haven't really had a big downpour like that either. Time will tell...
Then a few days ago we had a power outage for about 7 hours. Thankfully we had the woodstove to provide heat, or it would have been a very cold evening.
Rose,
> It's all in the way you carry yourself.
There's a bit more of myself to carry these days...
Kath,
> i dont get massage often, they are pretty expensive
> and a luxury really.
We really don't either. We had our first massage about 4 years ago, and maybe 3 or 4 since then. Usually just for special occasions, Valentines, anniversary, etc.
> maybe you are getting a different type of massage?
Yeah, I know I overreacted. Realistically I know it was just her technique, but it's all to easy to let my emotions get the best of me...
SWN,
> Does this make sense to you?
Huh?
Jane,
> Why is it you that's the problem?
Old habits? I'm used to being blamed for everything...
Anyway, thank you everyone for the emotional boost. It felt good just to type out my feelings and let it go. Having a little positive feedback from all you wonderful folks is even better.
I'm so pretty. I'm so pretty, and witty, and wise...
>>My wife and I were both kind of startled as this giant of a man came in, had a little look-see between her legs, and went on his way. He never came back again ... <<
THAT GUY? Was he wearing blue scrubs and a mask? I'll bet you anything it's the same guy who stopped in at the birth of my youngest and did the exact same thing!
Sorry, I just need to vent, and don't know where else to go...
but if you put on deodrant that day your probably safe LOL