I developed an aversion to pictures somewhere around D-day 3+ years ago, and it's never gone away. I avoid looking at family pictures if at all possible. My daughter found some rolls of film, and I got them developed a few weeks ago, but I still haven't opened the envelopes and doubt I ever will--just stuffed them in a drawer.

The only thing that bothers me about this is that pictures of my children's childhoods will probably be important to them when they are older. Because of this I've usually managed to take pictures at their birthdays or other important events, but I'm not as good as I used to be about getting them developed, and I never on my own initiative frame or hang pictures anymore, so since we moved into our current house, no pictures have been put up except that my H put one up of the two of us from when we were dating. I avoid it so automatically now that I forgot it was there until I started writing this.

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this kind of thing.

Beth

I cant look at any photos of the past. Its a reminder to me that the whole basis of my life, all the moments spent together, that meant sooo much to me , were meaningless to my partner. I feel like my past was a giant lie, that our being together didnt mean anything. The scrap book of warm fuzzy memories are gone. So I dont want to see anything from the past to remind me how insignificant I was, or my kids were to my wife.

Maybe someday I will feel different, right now it doesnt matter. The past is over, there is no future, all there is is now.

Pictures of the kids alone -- no problem. Myself as a kid, my school pictures -- love them. My yearbooks -- alot of fun. I love pictures that aren't about my marriage.

We had a picture taken on our second wedding anniversary at a studio. It was a professional sitting and we look amazing in it -- after d-day I had to take it down. Same as a picture we took on our honeymoon -- it was one of those old time dress up things and we were Bonnie&Clyde -- took it down. My wedding album is tucked in a corner of the closet shelf. I just couldn't stand to look at them anymore.

This is very odd, but the first thing I did when I got home after finding out my H had cheated on me was to take down every picture in the house of us together, even if it was a family picture. All they did was remind me of all of the good times we had and made it even harder to believe that he would just though it all away for a piece of _ss! I was furious! I even broke a few of them thowing them up against the wall. But a few months later I put the ones I didn't trash back up.

If these images were that powerful that I had such a recation to them I was hoping H would feel the sameway. Since H's birthday was coming around I decided to go through every picture I have and make him a personal scrap book as a present. There was a page of his beloved motorcycle, a page for each of our 3 children including the baby girl we lost (I had her ultrasounds), a page of us before we got married, a page of our wedding, and a page of our one and only family vacation. And on the back of the book I made a pocket that held many cards the kids and me had given him. When he opened it and looked through it he began to cry. I whispered in his ear "see, look at all you were just willing to give up". Yep, them pictures are mighty powerful stuff!

Take Care,
Carol

When D-Day happened I took our wedding picture and ripped it up, scattering the peices on the front walk way. I later picked up all the peices except his face. I left that one on my walkway and stepped on it grinding it in every time I passed. Everyone who came to visit also got to step on it. Actually it became quite fun for me. It's the only way I got to walk on him. HA!

I picked it up later and will eventually put it in a scrap book to remind me in the future what not to put up with.

Ms. B

I cut out his face in come of our pictures. I didn't realize the impact that would have on my kids. My daughter later told me it really scared her. I'm sorry I did that. Also, I'm sorry I ruined pictures that may have been good memories for the kids even if it hurt for me to look at them.
Margie

I would like to put a different face on this; hopefully it will help all of you in this area of recovery. You see I have come to think of healing as a reclaiming of my life and pictures are a part of that.

Way back on D-day the OW left a message on my H’s cell phone after she had disclosed the affair to me, her words in a heavy Hispanic accent and I quote, “It’s my life too.” These words even today resonate through my brain like a tin can echoing down an empty well. They just hit home as you can imagine, what she called her life was in my opinion MY LIFE. So I endeavored to show her just whose life it was.

I sat down and began to write what came out to later be 17 pages front and back detailing my history/life with my spouse. At the time we had been married 20 years and 17 pages only had me up to about the 5 year mark. I had also planned to put together a collage of photos detailing our life from beginning to end so she could not only read about it but actually see our LIFE progress through the years. I had already selected several photos that I felt would be appropriate to drive my point home.

I never finished this project and I never sent anything of it to the OW. By beginning this endeavor I realized that I didn’t need to convince her it was my life I needed to convince myself it was my life. She had no right to what was mine, past, present or future. What she was able to get she stole and it was such a small portion of the history of my relationship with H. While reading over what I had written along with viewing the photos I had chosen to coincide with the words in a very small way my tortured heart was able to reclaim my past. The idea that my life prior to the A was not a lie took its first roots in my heart that I would later be able to cultivate and grow to the point where I could once again treasure the past with the man I married.

Nothing happens over night all this takes time. I just wanted to plant the seed of possibility that you can all one day reclaim your past and enjoy your family photos.

Ami

DiegoDon: "The past is over, there is no future, all there is is now."

My version: "The past is a lie still haunting me, the future I'm heading toward is one I never wanted, and it takes all I've got to get through each moment of now.

I like your version better, Don, since it's more positive, or at least neutral. Maybe I'll get there someday.

Thank you, everyone, for responding. Knowing that others have struggled similarly helps me feel less odd and helps me better understand why pictures still affect me the way they do.

Ami, what you were describing reminded me of something I read in "Constructing the Sexual Crucible" by David Schnarch. I think an example he used was when one partner remembers a particularly special and intimate moment and tries to relive it by talking about it with their partner only to discover that the partner either doesn't remember it or barely remembers it, so the experience obviously didn't mean the same thing to each of them. The initial reaction is usually to be hurt that it didn't matter to the partner as much as it mattered to you, but he points out that what YOU felt was REAL regardless how the other person perceived the experience, and that it is valid and intimate and special for that reason alone.

I guess I'm stuck, though, because I still have the reaction of, "you poor pitiful thing" or "you clueless idiot" when I see pictures of myself. Even the pictures from childhood and pre-marriage make me sad because I remember the roads I could have taken instead.

Beth

Ami & Beth, that is some deep stuff. You make a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing that with us.

Carol~

Some pictures bother me and other don't. The kids and I have had so much fun together and I have to remember at the time the pictures were taken, I was in love with my life and that is a happy thing to remember. I know in some my H was cheating on me...but I was happy and I think its not my problem, I would love to back to have happy person in the picture.
Several pictures had the OW in them...I never took any pictures down, he asked if he take them down. I had to ask why? "She is a part our life forever now..why care now?" But inside I was happy it bother him to see us together and know what an ass he had been.

I think I like to see myself happy and try to get back their in time!!