((((((((Jean))))))))))
Im so sorry Jean. You, your family and especially your dad will be in my prayers...all his pain and suffering will be gone and your dad will soon find such peace
take care Jean
again Im so sorry
Jo
My prayers are with you tonight. I hope that you will find your peace and be able to rejoice in a life well-lived. He will live in your heart as long as you remember him and share his wisdom and meaning in your own life.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! We just went through this with my wife's father less than two months ago. It is a very stressful and exhausting experience.
God bless you and your family in this difficult time.
Scott
This message has been edited by Scott61 on Dec 18, 2004 7:01 AM
Jean, my son's friend (10 years old) lost his grandfather a couple months ago. I watched him and his older brother while their parents were making all the arrangements.
He was VERY upset. What I told him, I want you to hear: You will miss him, yes, but remember all that he gave you. As long as you have your memories, he will be with you.
I feel pretty bold just posting to ask for hugs, but gosh, thank you -- I needed them.
your posts mean a whole lot to me. Except for you all, I'm going through this pretty much alone right now, except when I'm able to drive the hour to my parents' place.
Knowing what you need, asking for it is not bold... under those circumstances you deserve all the support we can offer you. Thank you for letting us know how we can support you.
I do not know how to deal with grief ... a big hang up from my childhood,... I just freeze, shut down and fight the feelings until they are deeply burried and feel I can "look up" again.
Although our beloved would no longer be with us their presence is for ever felt in our heart where they will reside. Celebrate your father's life, dear Jean, not his physical death for your father's memory will be with you - always.
You and your family are in our prayers. I went through this 4 years ago with my mother. She too had cancer. I know how hard it is to only be able to sit, and watch, and wait. I know the feelings of not wanting to lose your parent yet praying that God will take them soon. It is exhasting both physicaliy and emotionally. I understand only to well. I'm so glad you came to us for support. We are in the true sense of the word a family.
Your dad is dying of cancer. His life has been minimized to being in a hospital bed probably on lots of drugs. That is no quality of life for anybody. He is going to a far better place, where pain is no more!
I found out this morning that that my mom and two other family members were going to pick out the casket and make related arrangements today. They did this while I took my two children to a Christmas party where Santa showed up.
It was a hell of a day.
My mom wants me to help with the obituary. Then, she says, she wants to start writing hers, and she wants my help with that too (as I'm a writer of sorts).
Altho, Kid, guess what. Dad gets to die at home. We've got hospice services, but two of my sisters and a sister-in-law are all excellent RN's and are taking care of him round the clock. He's in the same bedroom that he's shared with my mom for 53 of their 54 years, with family all around him. As far as I know he is still with us, but I know the call can come at any time. He is unable to swallow now, and really hasn't even had any water to speak of for the past few days -- except what is given with the morphine in a eye dropper, so....we all know we can only live a few days without water.
The hardest thing is the convergence of his impending death and Christmas--particularly with the ages of my children -- 9 and 5. But at least they know that whatever we go through, we go through together....
Thank you all for your compassion and support. It means a whole lot to me. My pastor and my church knows he's dying (I've mentioned the situation several times), but I have not heard a peep from them.
Hugs Jean. Your Dad is so lucky to have his final days the way he wants to. Remember the life he lived, and not just the moment he dies. He is going to a good place.
I hope the words flow when you pen your tribute to your Dad.
On a different note - did you know that you can now have your loved ones ashes turned into diamonds?
there's a snow storm going on today. Many road are not plowed, and 12-14 more inches are expected where my parents live (hmmmm, I won't be using that expression for much longer...."where my parents live").
I was thinking of going to see him "one last time" again, but I guess I won't. He is not responsive any more, even tho my family still talks to him, caresses him, and prays over him. Somehow, it seems, my dad is waiting for something to be finished before he leaves, but we can't figure out what it is. Every time I call (2-3 times a day), I have someone tell him that I call, and to give him a kiss for me. IT was just 2 days ago when I saw him last.
I've just been staring at the PC and reading websites about the signs of dying, what to do now, what to do after death, et cetera, and I've read myself into a trance....
My sister says to bundle up my kids and take them sled-riding for an hour. Hmmmm. Everything seems like such a huge task right now.
He's gone. About 6 p.m. EST. I just got the call 5 minutes ago, and guess what -- you people are the first people I'm telling.
It's just me here with my son and daughter. They say it's bitter cold (0 F temp) and too much snow to drive an hour there -- they say my mom would be worried sick about me if I were to drive there tonight. So I'm staying here at home.
I'm wondering how long they'll have the body at the house -- if it will be gone by the time I get there tomorrow.
They told me he looked very peaceful when he finally went, thank God.
Have not been on as of late, Hugs to you and your children and your family. May the days to come fill you with peace and happy memories of a father that loved you very much.
I am sorry for your loss. It is a very difficult time for you. The waiting is terrible. But, you must also be feeling a degree of relief that it is over.
Last night I was riding on a wave of relief--I don't think I even cried. Of course this morning, I didn't even want to get out of bed.... I know the grief will ebb and flow. I've been grieving ever since October 2003, really, but just more intensely since October of this year, when he really started to do badly. So I feel like half of my grieving is over...but it's probably not.
Last night both my children climbed into my bed and we read one of the big Richard Scarry books -- my dad used to read those books to me when I was little....and when he would doze off in the middle of a book, I'd pull on his chest hair to wake him up. (Isn't that awfu? The stuff he put up with....). So we read the books and they both slept in my bed last night. But I had indigestion and didn't sleep well.
well, I do still have to clear the table and do the dishes from last night, so...I'll see if I can get that done.
We've lost two distant, although well-loved, family members in the last month. One was my dad's cousin who, to me, was more like an aunt. And the other was this woman's brother-in-law who also, to me, was more like an uncle. I called him uncle actually and grew up with his kids. If you do the relationships that means my dad's cousin has lost her husband and her sister within weeks of each other. And just 18 mos ago she lost her son who committed suicide after years of depression.
This woman, who is dear to me, said of grieving that she has no more tears left. She can't cry anymore. She has gone through the worst things she could imagine -- losing her son, her husband and now her sister. She lost another dear sister a couple of years back. Actually I think in the past five years she's lost 5 people who were closest to her. She's not an old woman -- only 62 -- but she's going through losses people much older generally experience.
She is just numb from the experience. She's had enough of hospitals and funeral homes and condolences and sadness. And she's just trying to figure out how to look forward now...
Jean, I can't imagine this. I have a very ill mother who is increasingly weak year over year. I love her to distraction and I can't imagine the hole that would be left in my life without her. Same with my dad -- he's my best friend in so many ways and truly my "kindred spirit". I feel the loss of these family members who were close to me and yet, not that close. I can't imagine how I'd feel w/o my parents.
All I can say Jean, is keep talking. Help us help you through this. I can't relate to your experience in this matter but maybe we can distract you, keep you up, help you stay strong -- whatever.
Oh,Jean, what horrible news. I wish I could be with you in person to console you. I still mourn for my father, seven years after his death. May God comfort you.
I'm so sorry for the lost of your father. I don't even want to think about that happening to my own wonderful parents. I hope your Christmas will begin to get better and the pain your family and you have been dealing with willl let up soon.
jean, vale to you father, may he travel with the peace and love he has had with you in life.
i am sure he will watch over you and the children for the rest of your days, he will always be with you.
keep those memories, pulling chest hair, i had to laugh, i used to do that to my dad's leg hairs. he once told me men had hair to stop ant crawling up them haha
so remember those things, in his life they were treasures, with his passing they are now precious.
biggest hugs to you mate, take your time, take it easy on yourself, will be a tough few days to get through, if the dishes dont get done, hey there is take away, but then dishes can be a soul healing thing to do, like washing clothes. would you like me to send a load of washing over!
take care and god's speed to your dad, he is out of pain now
kath
Jane, thanks for your heartfelt post -- and thank you to all of you who posted your support for me and my family.
The funeral services were moving. He service included full military honors, with the Navy hymn sung, the 21 gun salute, taps, and the flag presented to my mother. But now the real grief will be confronted....
I just want my dad back.
But we can't have everything we want. Not in this life. We all know that here, now don't we?
it sounds like the service for your father was very special and in reading your words i got a picture of a very dignified and respectful goodbye for your father.
i also saw a celebration of his life, he must have been a very respected man.
not sure what else to say hon, but i am sure the special service reflected what a special person he was.
And also thanks to Kath, Lynndie, and, of course, the others above.
Today was quiet. My two opened their gifts, had breakfast and played, and then they got ready to go to their father's in the afternoon.
So I got to spend the rest of the day alone.
Words cannot adequately express my grief.
It was good that the children left.
Tomorrow I'll spend with family and then Monday my dad's body will be buried -- they couldn't do it after the funeral because of the horrific weather.
I don't think think I'll write more about this here -- I'm not sure of any good to come of it.
I'm sorry to see what's happening on the boards here. I don't understand any of it. But it anyone finds another good board, particularly one for the divorced, divorced because of betrayal, or divorced with children, please let me know.
Jean
This message has been edited by Jean150 on Dec 25, 2004 7:31 PM
don't think think I'll write more about this here -- I'm not sure of any good to come of it.
(((Jean)))
This is a healing board....we are here to comfort and lend an ear..when you needed comfort we were here and that is what this site is all about healing! healing broken sad hearts....also to hear the joy of somones day!
hopefully all this, what is happening on this board , will soon pass
Jean, please keep posting on how you feel, we are here for you
again Jean, Im so sorry for the loss of your dear father
Jo
use the time without the kids to have some space for yourself, cry,punch small pillows, scream, kick something (not an animal or anything that will hurt you), go back to bed, hug your pillow, vent.
you have a bit of time to do this now.
stay with the boards, forget what is happening, dont even try to understand it, i certainly dont. but regardless of what is happening here, you have friends here and it is a good place for you to be right now. even just to vent.
hugs to you and keep talking to us, even if it is just me.
Jean, I haven't been on here much anymore but I just came across the news of your dad. I wish I could be there with you to sit and reflect, to cry and laugh, to sit in silence and just hold on to you.
My son died on Dec 16, 11 years ago. I can surely relate to your pain. Don't let go of the boards. We are all here for you. It will give you a way to reach out and it gives us a way to reach back.
I too, don't understand what is happening here. It is sad. It's like a big family. We have come to depend on eachother for lots of things. I'm sure it must be just as hard for those on the inside. I am grateful that Tom has kept it going this far.
Jean, your dad is now at peace but it will be hard for you for a long time. Don't let go of us. We are here for you.
We buried his body yesterday--the weather was too bad to do it last week.
But I have to share what happened to me very early in the morning, before the sunrise, two days ago.
I've been in the habit lately of sleeping with a heating pad on low, or recently turned off, down by my feet. Well, it seemed to me that the thermostat on the thing wasn't working so well anymore, but I didn't think too much of it.
Well.
early that morning my dad's voice woke me up. He was calling my name over and over, like he used to when I lived at home and he would call up the steps to wake me up. It was so vivid that when I sat up in bed, I was disoriented for a moment because it wasn't the bedroom that I grew up in, where I would have normally hear him call me. I immediately had the urge to check the heating pad, which was down in the covers. Well, I couldn't touch it because it was so hot, so I picked it up by its cord, and as I lifted it up, it looked liked silly putty! It was melting, and I flung it from the bed. Then I ran to put it in a towel because I was afraid it would burn my floor. And I unplugged it. I examined it later that day -- the insulation had melted away, and the wires were about to come right through the plastic.
Seems to me my dad didn't want me joining him up in heaven just yet.
(I'm not going to sleep with heating pads anymore, but I am keeping this one as a souvenir.)
I am sorry that you lost your son. I don't know if you've wrote about that before here...it's hard for me to remember everyone's stories. I can't imagine losing a child--that's not the natural order of things. At least in my case, I know that my dad lead a full life -- a wife of 54 years, 8 children, 22 grandchildren, 3 great-grandchildren, and friends who thought highly of him. And even so, it's still hard--losing a child is ... beyond my comprehension.
Jean, that is so cool what happened with the heating pad. That will be a good thing to focus on.
As Jane pointed out, I am not the only one here who has lost a child. But something that I learned from this A mess, is that pain is pain. Whether losing a child or a parent or a relationship, it hurts like hell. And thank God, as much as we hate to hear it, time does heal. But for this very day and for lots more to come, time is not on your side yet. So for that, we are here. For eachother. I'm not sure why but it sure helps to lighten the load when we go through it with others who understand.
So, know that we're here and reach out when you need to. This reminds me of when I first came to this board. So many of you were there for me. And boy I was on here all the time. You all helped me save what little sanity I had left.
Jean, feel free to email me. I'm sure you've had a lot of those offers but take us up on it.
I haven't been around for a while. I am so sorry for the loss of your father.
He has already come to you in a special way. I am sure over the next few weeks, there will be "dad" stories. Strange things that will be connected to him, ways you will know he is still there for you.
