don't know why I expected it would be really, the past week has been pretty crap and each day has become much of the same.
First day back at work after five weeks off, knew it was going to be hard but actually it was not so bad, as expected my friends welcomed me back and were genuine and pleased to see me getting back into it but others, also as expected pretty much ignored me. Two in particular I have a real hard time with because they are both married and involved in affairs, one with a guy in the office. I look at these two 'ladies' and my blood boils over. One is the supposed best friend of the unsuspecting wife. I can't bring myself to speak to either of them in a civil tone so I don't speak at all. They got the message finally and now don't talk to me. I was sat at my desk as smiling friends came over and said how nice it was to see me back and how was I feeling, those that know, - a trusted handful smiling and squeezing my hand only. I looked up and saw those two, laughing at each others jokes and so brazen, watching me, honestly I could have hit them both. No one deserves to be made to feel the way we have all felt and are feeling. There go those triggers again! Even when H is not involved! Yes, I know in time.
Relations with my H and I are strained at best, we are civil with one another, he goes to his therapist, I go to mine, civil but strained. Something has to give, I think it was me. I have been around all the estate agents and got details of all the houses up for sale in the area I like the look of, I have even made some appointments to go visit some. Am I moving out? I don't know? Have I left this relationship already? I don't know. Do I want it to work out with H? I don't know. Does he want it to work out with me? He says so but what's he doing about it? Not a lot that I can see. I hate this feeling my chest is so tight I can hardly draw breath, I want to scream and shout and rant and rave and when I look at him he just looks back at me and says nothing. When I ask him why he says he does not know what to say. Just give him some time.
I go to lunch and meet up with an old work colleague, not seen her in over a year. She asks how I am - she had heard I had been off sick a few months. So I tell her in brief what has been going on this past year, she looks at me and says she understands she went through the same thing, it was years ago, tried to work it out with him because he was so sorry, It was not working but she stayed longer than she should have, finally left, two months after the divorce was final he walked in front of a train. His note left said he could never forgive himself for what he had done to her and their family. What do I say? How the hell do I respond? Her name is Jean too so all I say is 'Oh Jean' and reach for her hand. She says to me, time is a great healer, Jean.
Coming home it's pretty much all I can think about from today.
So I get home and open my e-mail my wonderful friend in Boston has had to rush to her brothers bedside he has collapsed and had to have a quadruple bypass operation, he comes through it ok, then he has fluid on his lung, its drained and he collapses again, they have cut a vein when they drained the lung - his chest is full of his own blood -he goes Code Blue and after long and many attempts - he is resuscitated - now he is comatose, his brain has been oxygen starved, we all have to wait. Time.
I AM SO BLOODY SICK OF WAITING!
Ok, gone on long enough, going to go to bed, put myself out of my own misery for at least 8 hours. I know the alarm will sound at 6am and time will have passed, it just won't have been enough.
Thanks for sticking with me this far.
If you are able, please offer a prayer or thought to whomever your God is, for David.
Jean
(((((Jean)))))
So many things to deal with for one person!
I am very sad for you, for your friend, Jean, for David, for the unsuspecting wives, for my children, for myself...
I hate to see our lives wasting away while we "wait" for things to get better.
There's got to be a better answer than just waiting...
I'll let you know when I discover it. In the meantime, know that you are not alone in your frustrations.
How are you doing today? I am sorry for your bad day...I know how those are...it bites. I am sorry for your friend Jean, I am sorry for David...I want to just send you hugs. ((((Jean))))
When I was feeling blue the other day, your post really made me smile...and now you are feeling down. So, it's my turn to hop the horse and come to your rescue...
"HI-YO SILVER, AWAY"
clomp, clomp, clomp...plop....thud...groan...hmmmmmmm....okay, Jean, maybe I better find another way to deliver this bag of smiles to you!
This message has been edited by handlewithcare on Aug 7, 2007 8:48 PM
I can totally relate to how you feel towards the two 'affair-women' in your office. Since H's affair...I seem to be surrounded by quite a few people who are involved in affairs. It's so bizarre because I didn't know of anyone involved in an affair prior to my d-day. It is almost impossible to be civil to these people. It's as though the world has divided itself (in our minds) into 'affair-people' and 'non-affair-people'. Let them tell their jokes to each other...they will not be laughing one day when they get caught. You will have the distinct pleasure of watching them on their downward spiral as their 'little fantasy world' comes crashing down around them. Karma...I have to believe in karma.
As far as things go with your H...it's incredible how we have thousands of questions every day...and so few answers.
I hope you have a better day Jean ...I will offer a prayer today for David.
Team,
Thank you so very much, I have to report mission accomplished.
Maggie - Yes wasting away is what I feel so much of the time I have been doing, time for action so I enrolled today in nightclasses, get me out the house and thinking about something academic.
Denise - How are you doing? thank you for reaching out to me, you know how much it helps.
Kara - Thank you for understanding how my split mind works, these folks at work are not worth my spit! much less my anger. but it helps to know others feel like I do about them!
Jane - What can I say mission accomplished! I was at work today when I logged on and read your post, I really did laugh out loud! Thank you so very much. May we all long reach out to one another in friendship long after we need the support we all find here in such abundance
thank you,
Jean
