From about September to December, I was incredibly indifferent towards H and our marriage. Basically, I just wanted to get through the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) in one piece. I know that you can not place time limits on healing...but I didn't want to stay indifferent either. So I set a goal for myself that in the new year I would try not to be so cold to H...that by reaching out a little bit...maybe I wouldn't be so indifferent any more.

After the holidays, I started to talk to H about his A again. We have discussed the details at great length in the past...but it was mostly to gather facts. Over the last few months though, if I mentioned his A...it was usually to throw it in his face and remind him of what an a$$ he was. This time I just wanted to talk about it...and try to understand (and maybe believe) his story. I think (and hope) that I have been given truthful answers to my questions and that he is no longer holding back any other lies.

But I am so afraid to reach out to him.

He wants to repair our marriage so badly...and I haven't really given him an opportunity to prove his committment to me. I have been completely shut down from him...physically and emotionally. So...if anything is going to start repairing itself...I have to start reaching out to him.

But I have so many questions...

How do I begin to reach out to him?

Will he stop working on some of his character 'flaws' (discovered through IC - some of which lead him to the A), once he feels that our marriage is on the right track?

How do I make him understand that I can only reach out to him (at least initially) in the smallest of baby steps? (I'm fairly certain he will instantly go overboard with me...and I'm not ready for that right now.)

Will I be able to put the A on the back-burner and not constantly worry that he is still not being truthful with me?

I just don't want too much...too fast. H tends to think in 'absolute' terms...everything is ALWAYS and NEVER. I would not be surprised if the fact that I have to take baby steps, makes him complain that I 'will NEVER get past this'. If I had a penny for the number of times I've heard him say that so far...I'd be rich! And it doesn't seem to matter how often I remind him that this is my process of healing and it takes a lot of time and patience...he will still say it...and it makes me furious! It is those blanket statements that concern me that he still doesn't completely 'GET' what he did to me. It is also one (of the many) reasons that I have had not been able to reach out to him.

Maybe I'm not ready to reach out to him at all...but something has got to give here...I can't keep living like this. I know it's only been 10 months...but something has to start to move forward...or else this relationship is dead...and it's time to move on.

I'm just venting...and too tired to re-read this...so if it doesn't make sense...I apologize!

Kara

Always remember my perspective.

As a general notion, I'd say it's probably pretty difficult for your H to read your mind. If you've built up enough trust to be open about your (mixed) feelings, now's probably the time to share them carefully.

Here you are at the central truth of an affair: the marriage ended on d-day. Sometimes one person or the other forgets that. (I am the one who forgot it in my marriage, and tried to press onward and put the past in the past WAY before I'd dealt with the hurt and the anger that followed it.)

It seems as if your H is the one who wants to avoid that central truth, even as you deal with the things that we all dealt with in dating and first building a new relationship: building openness and trust.

Everyone here understands that you must do those things to be comfortable, but it sounds as if either you or he or both of you are uncomfortable facing the fact that it needs to happen as you're ready.

This might be a make-or-break point for you. He may need enough encouragement from you to keep trying hard; only he knows what that encouragement looks like. You may need to "fake it" for a while until you build some new pleasant memories and your feelings for him start to recover.

Good luck, Kara.

Chris.

KARA WROTE: "This time I just wanted to talk about it...and try to understand (and maybe believe) his story. I think (and hope) that I have been given truthful answers to my questions and that he is no longer holding back any other lies.

But I am so afraid to reach out to him.

He wants to repair our marriage so badly...and I haven't really given him an opportunity to prove his committment to me. I have been completely shut down from him...physically and emotionally. So...if anything is going to start repairing itself...I have to start reaching out to him.

But I have so many questions...

How do I begin to reach out to him?"

Congratulations Kara, you've already made your first baby step, even if you don't realize it. By talking about the a and not throwing it in his face you opened the door and reached out to him. Also by realizing that you need to reach out to him shows that you are ready to take more baby steps. I think this is a step in the right direction

You are obviously still afraid to invest in the realtionship because your are still afraid of getting hurt, and you are still not ready to trust him further. Tell him that he will have to accept that you need to take things slower than he would like or he will scare you off. Take the time you need, if he really wants htings to work out he will undertsand this.

Take Care,
Carol~

Thanks Chris and Carol...great advice as always!

Chris...in the last few months, I have come to recognize that my marriage ended. It's funny because I often wondered...why not give another man an opportunity to build a relationship with me? My H and another man would be on equal ground....with H I had a history and children but another man has not hurt me before. (There is no other man BTW.)

However...when I think rationally about the whole sordid situation...I know that with or without my H, I need to heal. There can not be another relationship (again, with H or with someone else) until I have healed from this. My definition of healing is not just dealing with the heart-break it's also...accepting my new (and more realistic) outlook on relationships, re-defining what love means to me, re-defining the type of relationship that I want to be a part of, re-examining and improving on how I communicate with my partner and ensuring that I am prepared to work hard (every day) at building a stronger relationship. I am still healing...but my goal is to have clearer (and far more realistic) thoughts on love and relationships as they apply to me.

I have been hesitant to try MC for this very reason...my previous marriage is dead...all of the 'he did this', 'she said that' crap is absolutely insignificant! Once I have individually healed from this (and hopefully H has also) THEN I will attempt MC to ensure that our new and improved outlooks can prevent us from falling into our previous bad habits. Ami recommends Retrouvaille...and that really interests me. It would be one more way to reinforce all that we have worked on personally...and help us to apply these things to 'us'.

I don't know if this is the 'right' way to do things...but so far this has been the most effective route for me. I have challenged myself and asked myself some pretty tough questions. When I begin to reach out to him...I will be doing so because I will KNOW that this is what I want to do (it won't be out of familiarity or fear of being alone - it will be because I have chosen to invest the time into building a new relationship with him). And I will also realize that we might not be able to make it work (it won't be about the A anymore...just about our ability to function as a couple)...but it won't stop me from trying.

You know...I consider myself to be somewhat articulate...but being able to express all that runs through my head (without writing a novel) is damn near impossible !!

Kara

I got to the same place you are, eventually. All the "he said, she said" stuff just didn't interest me after marinating in it for years.

It is a positive development for you, no matter what happens after that.

Chris.

Kara,
It is hard to trust after what we have been thru..keep taking baby steps.. do what works for you...We took walks together, went to the movies, just spent time together...I measure the actions of my FWH, it has been a big turnaround in our relationship...the first year I took a" take care of me attitude", I wanted something I bought it for me...I watched and listened to H....I also realized that I needed to communicate with H....re establish the emotional intimacy that was lacking in our relationship...we began to work on the re-building the we in our relationship...
The IC and MC we both do keep us on track with our relationship...I am working on the present, am not looking back at past and really not worrying about the future...let me live today, deal with today only..(I have gotten 3 phone calls from H today telling me he loves me, and worried because I have a bad cold.)...his actions are the positives for me....it is the little things...not big things that mean a lot...show that he is committed to me today...
Kara reaching out is done in small steps as you are comfortable....but do reach out, ask for a hug, when you are struggling....honestly it helps so much

take care,

pat