Does anyone else have a difficult time reading about affairs? We have accumulated a number of books that have been suggested on this forum and I will pick one up from time to time to read a chapter here and there, but I can never read for very long before I begin feeling very disturbed. I thought initially that it was the shock of learning about H's affairs that kept me from reading the books - my feelings were too raw - but now it has been 9 months since Dday, and I'm as disturbed as ever. I even have a hard time reading the links here as well as many of the posts. I'm just trying to figure out why I am struggling so while it seems that many members here have read book after book and have gained so much from reading them. I am not saying that I have not been enlightened by what I read, I just can't seem to keep from getting horribly triggered, which is the opposite of what I'm hoping to achieve, which is healing.
Thanks,
Margie

(((Margie))).  Have you been able to TALK (mouth open and words coming out) with somebody in real life about your H and your situation and what you are dealing with?

I think that a lot of us, and I was/am one of them, feel great shame and embarassment about what our partners did.  I felt great shame and embarassment in being such an idiot for choosing this man as my H.  So all the fears and sadness get held inside and just spiral endlessly with no outlet.  I couldn't tell my parents for I felt that they would tell me what to do, and I was so lost that I needed to figure it out myself.  Talking to the cause of the problem (my H) also seemed pointless - he was dealing with his own demons.

Unfortunately, I do think I'm damaged goods now.    Learn from my mistakes, don't end up like me - broken and incapable of softness, terrified to love except for stolen moments when you catch a glimpse of the wonderful person you used to be............please don't do this to yourself.

In a way, I see your not reading as being like my not talking.  It's a way to avoid it, but it just stays embedded in your soul.  It doesn't go away, so you may as well just take it head-on.

Hugs

FR

Thank you for your loving response, FR.

I have actually talked to quite a few people. My sisters, father and step-mother have been wonderfully supportive. Sometimes they say things I don't want to hear, but their love for me is so strong that it is completely bearable. I also am seeing a Counselor and Chaplain nearly every week who are wonderfully intuitive and insightful.

Then, I also have you all...

I think maybe the books tend to be so general and impersonal...Sometimes they are very harsh, hitting me like a bullet, without the hugs, empathy or loving kindness that I feel from talking to others.

The truth scares me...the truth of what H did, the truth of why he may have done what he did (including my part in our failing marriage), the truth that he may very well continue to do what he did, and the scarier truth...that he could actually change and no longer be that man.

Like you, I don't feel like I am coming out of this experience a "better person". I am angry that H appears to be improving himself, while I am a complete mess.

How do I come out on top? That is the one thing I told my kids when at the beginning it looked like H was going to choose the OW and I thought I had no choice but to divorce him. The kids and I talked about how our lives could/would be great. We were going to come out from this ordeal better than ever. Now the kids are angry with me for this downward spiral I have taken.

Today I was proud of myself for controlling bad thoughts...what has my life come to? I was such a positive and confident person before all of this... In the past my proud accomplishments included hiking the highest peak in Germany, descending a 45 degree angle snow/ice field using an ice ax, rescuing a teenage girl who got tangled in a rope while rapelling down a 300 foot wall...now I'm proud I can control stupid thoughts...

This has been the biggest disappointment of my life because I'm too frickin' scared to face a trigger which pops up when someone mentions Los Angeles, or I see a commercial for a certain hotel, or I read something in a book...

Sorry to carry on so...just feeling discouraged...

Margie

Oh Margie!

I thought, "oh, she's 9 months past Dday," but then I read on and saw H's affairs--plural. I'm almost 4 months past Dday, but it was only one A. I know how ragged I've felt dealing with only one A. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling dealing with plural A. Please don't let the bad decisions your H made, the pain he caused you, undermine your feelings about your identity and your accomplishments. Remember that you are a strong person. You've already proven that to yourself. Remember to pat yourself on the back for what you've already done. You are NOT your husband. You are not responsible for his behavior. You are only responsible for your own. (I know, I know--easy for me to write. But I do understand the pain of feeling yourself undermined and lost, overwhelmed by the intensity of emotions the knowledge of an A brings. I've been there. We all have, as you well know.) I'm sending you a bushel basket of hugs, a rope and pilon (boy I hope I have that terminology correct because I know basically Jack Squat about climbing! ) to hang on with. Hug your kids and tell them you need all the love and support they can give you now. Don't let your H and his A beat you down. You can survive and smile another day. OK it may take awhile, but you are strong and you can be happy again. Maybe you just need more time . . .

Margie wrote:
<<like you, I don't feel like I am coming out of this experience a "better person". I am angry that H appears to be improving himself, while I am a complete mess.>>

Margie, please go easy on yourself...You have been through a TRAUMA! My H's counselor has phrased it like that for him - "Your wife has been through a trauma"..and that is the truth...Do not expect too much from yourself...you have been through a terrible event in your life...I usually hold myself to high standards, but I realize that I am lucky to be getting up and functioning every day...

I'm glad that your H is improving himself and I'm sure you are too, but please don't compare your recovery to his....you are in two way different places...

Hang in there!