well, Im not sure whether to post this on the deeper board or on the open board, so I decided to do both, I hope no one minds...

I havent been around lately, my life has truelly been a whirlwind, Im sure many of you can relate... but for those who remember me, heres my update.

my H has really seemed to change alot over the past year, and truelly seems sincere and remorseful, but even though I see that, even an ounce of trust is near impossible for me. Wednesday is our one year mark since the affair. In that year, I have moved, had a baby, been a single mom for 4 months, got back together with H, and have been working to rebuild our marraige, I have went to the resteraunt that the OW works at, I asked for a carry out menu, and just walked around, but she apearently was not there, which looking back is a good thing, because I now know I would not have accomplished anything anyways...

now we are in the process of moving to a different state... (moving from Mo. to Ne.) so he is in Ne. now and I am in Mo. on my way home from Ne. but thats a long story all by its self...

I am really dreading our d-day anniversaries (plural because it was Feb. 2nd which is coming up, but that also happened to be super bowl sunday, which happens to be on the 6th this year...)
Im dreading valentines day, because of all of the many receipts I found after we got back togather for the very lush and extravagant valentines he gave her, flowers, jewelry, chocolate, $300 when I was forced to get on food stamps just to survive as a single mom since he was living with her, and pampering her.

And I know, that this Valentines day will be a hard one, and disapointing, because I know he can never make this up to me...

My babys 1st birthday will be coming up April 7th, and the reminder that I was all alone when she was born, he stopped by for about an hour while I was in labour, but I stayed in my room (I had a home birth) and he sat in the living room on the couch, but left before the baby was born... our 6 year wedding anniversary was April 17th, I was alone for that too, knowing that he was with her... And now, a year later, when Im suppose to be getting stronger... Im hurting that much more, and looking at the upcoming year, it feels like I am just going to have to relive the whole ordeal all over again through each of those days and events... I wish I knew how to deal, how to focus, and just get on with life.

I love my husband, I just wish I could move on now, and I seem to be stuck... now what?

I am glad you wrote on both boards. Recovery takes all the help we can get.

I am 4 1/2 years into recovery. We are together and doing better every day.

For me our one year d day was a huge turning point. That was because I made a decision. My H was extremely remorseful and agreed to do everything I asked and more.

I understand your feelings about money spent. We didn't have it either, and he was very generous with money that he deprived our family of to court ow.

It took a long time for me to deal with that... however one of the conditions was he had to work his a$$ off to improve our family's finances. I tell him that he can never pay back the kids what he stole from them but he sure has been trying.

Have you given him a list of conditions that you need to heal, to make the marraige work? Put them in writing so you both can evaluate them.

For one year I decided that EVERYTHING was a clean start. This was a fresh year and i was going to let go of what happened. Everything for us was brand new.

We celebrated the day by doing everything I LIKED. Not us,ME! We spent the day going window shopping in the city, doing fun stuff for ME! I made a list of all the inexpensive things I wanted to do that would make me feel happy. We did 'em! I actually forgot the meaning of the day, and just had a fun day! Because I was in a good mood so was he and it was a truly nice day. First one in a year!

So Candy, make a list of what you need for the marraige so you can evaluate it unemotionally and since how things have improved. One of the things required for going on with the marraige is being able to see the difference. For me it had to be better. He had to make me feel safer. I was never gong to settle again.

We are soooo much better than I ever thought possihble. Each day I get stronger and he gets better. Sounds like you too are headed in that direction. I wish you well. You story is a painful one, but you can make your future a better one.

Congratulations on your little one!

with love,
El

Hi Candy,
As I read your post I felt your pain, I felt your dread for the upcoming trigger dates but I also felt something else and that was HOPE. It maybe a year since your D-day but healing for you did not begin until your H regained his dignity and came home to right his wrong. I am truly sorry he put you through so much B4 he was able to pull his head out of his arse.

El says that you need to see the differences, going back and comparing then and now. She is so right. This is a way trust can be built slowly building block at a time. Triggers even though painful provide us with an opportunity to compare. Your H has done some truly unthinkable things on very important events. One of the reasons he was able to do that was he was terrified of facing the truth about himself and so he made things worse by running a way and using the OW as a salve to ease he unimaginable guilt. On these very important days you and he should talk about what happened and how you both felt. Recognize that he is there with you now where he belongs willing to face not only your pain but his also.

Again El is so right when she says to make these days about you. Reclaim them from the clutches of infidelity and make them yours and make them happy. This year you may not see the difference but each year the new memories will build themselves up and push the old memories to the side. I honestly don’t believe they can ever be obliterated, but their impact can be considerably lessened to the point where you can find happiness on these days once again.

In my healing journey I have found that the most important thing to do when trying to stay in my marriage was to hold on for dear life to the LOVE. I know how incredibly hard this can be and at times my grasp was so weaken and the tie that bond us so small but I just forced myself to believe in the love I wanted to keep. I also believed strongly to the possibility that HOPE was indeed there and we could make it through this. To help ground me I kept lists of the changes he had made no matter how tiny. I kept anything I read and found inspiring with me at all times. I also kept an old photo of us when we were deeply in love and a brand new photo of us with me to be able to combine the two in my mind. I often looked at these photos touching our faces then and then touching our faces now and asking him why he did this to us and thinking I was glad we were trying, I felt our old love was so worth the effort. You can imagine that my purse was very jammed packed with mementoes to help me cope when ever I needed it.

Today my purse is less bulky; I no longer need the anchors to keep me firmly grounded to my purpose. Today the love comes easy and I do not have to struggle to find its spark. Today putting effort into nurturing our love is something I do to preserve a relationship that is more precious to me then the most valuable diamond, made more precious I think because it was taken away from us for a time. Today those dates still affect me but we face them together and I know longer dread their coming like the plague. As a matter of fact like so many others here Valentines Day is a particularly painful trigger day for me also. Not surprising really that this day would be this way after infidelity. For me Valentines day is when it all began 4 years ago, it is not my D-day but it holds more pain then the day I found out. I look forward to putting more good memories into that day to counter the effect of that one awful one.

You can do this Candy. I can tell you it is well worth the effort when you have a truly remorseful spouse. He can change, I know that is so hard to believe but people can and do turn their lives around; my H is proof of that. As a matter of fact so am I.

Ami