I am coming up to d-day (March 8). I have mixed emotions about it. I think I felt more anxiety about the Christmas holidays, than I do about d-day. I don't even know if I feel anything other than...'I made it through the first year'. No celebration...just the comfort in knowing that a small chunk of TIME is behind me.

H and I are...I don't know...okay (I guess). I'm not ripping his head off quite as much as I did. I'm not talking about the A as much as I did (it was non-stop for quite awhile). In fact I feel more 'consistent' in my emotions. I can still explode like a loose cannon...but for the most part my emotions are not as extreme as they were. But those triggers......

I don't even know if I really experienced many triggers before...I was angry ALL of the time. But now (if I am triggered)...I can go from feeling OK...to feeling like someone has lowered a jet-black curtain over me. Last night, we were watching something on TV. I was just relaxing...totally calm. Something on the show triggered me and I felt my eyes go dark. It felt like my face physically changed. Inside I felt this nervous, sick pang of anger, hurt and pain (all at once and in a matter of less than 10 seconds). My heart rate went up and I had to get up and walk around. If it wasn't so cold outside, I would have gone outside for a cigarette to calm me down. Instead, I went to bed and hoped that I would wake up feeling better. Thankfully I felt better this morning...but I still feel the residual effects of last night. The best analogy I can come up with is this...it's like cutting your finger...it hurts quite a bit for the rest of the day...the next day it doesn't hurt nearly as much, but your finger is still tender enough to remind you that you cut it.

Is this how any of you felt? How do you deal with triggers? How do you prevent these triggers from eating you alive?

Kara

Have you tried talking to your H about these triggers when they occur?

I had really bad triggers and panick attacks until about 1.5 years and then they slowly started to fade away.

Deep breaths and the "stop" technique is about all I can recommend.

Your doing great Kara...just hang in there cause I promise you it really does get better. Things really started getting noticably better before year 2, then there was some dday anniversary set backs and I am back to feeling good again.

Hugs
Kid

Wow Kara! I could have written that post myself. In fact, I have wanted to write that post many, many times.

This is a pivotal time I think - the anniversary of d-day. For me (mine was in January), it was a time to examine where I was, where my relationship with my H was and begin to reclaim my life. I had hoped my H and I would be farther along than this by now, but as it turns out, we are light years from healing. So, I took a good hard look at everything and decided I had already spent a year held hostage by sorrow, frustration, pain, and intimidation, and it was time to refocus on the other parts of my life and let my heart and mind breathe a little. It was time to find joy again.

I have so many things I feel I put on hold just to deal with the enormity of the emotions and pain created by my H affair. I want that all back. I want ME back. (Not only that, I want rid of the 30 pounds that I gained as a result of simply not taking care of myself over the last year! LOL )

Surprisingly, Kara, the first anniversary of D-day was not that bad for me. I dreaded it something fierce, but it came and went far more peacefully than I expected. Maybe it was not so bad because I was anticipating worse...sort of like thinking a movie is going to wow you because it got stellar reviews and you get there and say "oh... uh, well...it was a good movie, but it wasn't THAT great". I hope it is that way for you too.

Triggers are hard. I have triggers all around me. Some days I walk through here feeling I have triggers shooting out at me like darts from all corners of the room. Sooooo many times - like you - I can be calm and even feeling happy and in an instant the triggers will come - the change is immediate and overwhelming. When that happens I have a sort of silent mantra that I feed my mind "these are MY things, this is MY life and I am reclaiming MY life". Most of the time that works and I can get through the moment...but sometimes I just simply have to ride out the myriad of emotions caused by the trigger and hope maybe next time it won't be so bad. I am learning though that the triggers have no more power than what I give them. And as I get stronger, the power the triggers have over me weakens. Eventually, I WILL beat them!

You are a wonderful woman, Kara - so full of compassion. I admire your gracefulness and warmth. We are all here for you. And you can bet on March 8th I am going to be right here for you personally!

Kara,
You have been given some excellent ways to deal with the triggers and in time these tried and true methods will have more and more effect till one day you realize you have control.

I wanted to share with you a method that helped me tremendously in my battle with triggers and my overly obsessive brain. I created in my mind an oasis for my trouble soul to find peace.

When I was feeling particularly troubled or a particular issue just would not leave me I would begin my journey to my oasis. I always pictured a dirt path surrounded by beautiful majestic trees. The trees seem to shelter me as I walked along in my troubled mood. In the distance I would soon hear birds calling and the sound of rushing water, soon I would burst from the forest into my beautiful oasis made specially for me. My oasis was filled with a field of dandelions all a calming shade of yellow (dandelions hold a special memory for me from my childhood) At the end of my dandelion field lies a crystal blue lake which is fed from a waterfall raining down off a single mountain on the other side of my lake.

Once in my oasis I would pick a dandelion and think about the issue that was troubling me so much after a while the dandelion would turn to seed allowing me to blow away my troubling issue until the next time I might return to let go of one more thing. I found that often I needed to turn over an issue several times and pick several dandelions B4 I could let it go. I would imagine over time that my field of dandelions dwindled to just a few patches here and there.

I often looked forward to the day when there wouldn’t be any more dandelions. I could then jump into my lake and wash the taint of infidelity from me for ever. I have as of yet not taken that plunge. I very seldom go to my oasis any more as I just don’t have a need. When I do there always seems to be a dandelion waiting to be picked. I think that is because I am changed for ever and I now realize that infidelity is a part of who I am. Right now I am comfortable with that idea.

Ami

Like you mentioned, the first one for me wasn't that bad. I think mine wasn't that severe because of all the hype and anticipation that I had placed on it which made me somewhat prepared. The second anniversary was worse because it sorta took me by surprise and after 2 years I found that I was still dealing with this crap. I soooo wanted it to be over and back to normal again.

The individual triggers do get less and less severe or at least more manageable as time goes by. I'm over 32 months and I triggered last night as I went to bed. Not severe, just a short burst of self pitty -- why did this have to happen blah, blah, blah? Now, I just tell myself to "knock it off because you (I) decided to stay in this marriage so you're gonna have to live with it". At least I don't burst into tears any more with the triggers.

Find whatever methods that help you deal with the triggers. Try different things. It will get better.

Hi,Kara, I can relate so strongly to your post about triggers... I am many years past D Day, but I have to drive past 2 of my wife's cheating sites EVERY DAY (small town...no alternate routes I can take). Even after all these years, I sometimes get a very sick feeling in my stomach or anger welling up inside me as I drive by, knowing well what happened there...

The only thing I have found which SOMETIMES works, at least for me, is to pretend (as in FOOL MYSELF into thinking) that her sexual escapades with 4 other men happened before I met her. I know this sounds lame, but if she had done all her promiscuous running around before we met, I guess I really wouldn't care.... Timing is everything, isn't it?......

Thanks everyone for your supportive responses and for giving me some great advice!

I was a little thrown off by the impact last night's trigger had on me. As I said before...I think I have spent the majority of the past year so unbelievably angry...that I haven't really felt the true impact of a 'trigger'. As H2C said...after the initial feeling of being triggered, I started wallowing in self-pity (Why did this have to happen? Why me? Why us? etc. etc.) H knew that this triggered me (even before I said anything) and started apologizing for everything he has put me through. Which was a good step...but my emotional walls went up, and I couldn't put them down for him to truly comfort me. At least it didn't turn into a battle between us...so I guess that's a good thing.

So...deep breaths...reclaim my life...mentally build myself a calming oasis...tell myself to knock it off and try to pretend that their relationship happened before my time. Okay...I feel armed and ready to combat the next trigger!

Thanks again everyone!

Kara

P.S. Jane...your response made me weep like a small child ...I'm smiling because it was a good thing! Thank you for your kind words and your big squishy hug!!

Triggers are something that I've had to deal with from d-day #1. I have triggers in my house, the place where on d-day #2 my kids were sobbing as H told them he was leaving, I hate my H's car because she rode in it, and most likely drove it when she was in town.
I got hit with a trigger last night when H made one comment and it made a whole pile of garbage hit me last night. We were in bed and I just said good night and went to sleep.
The stop technique is good. Letting the trigger flow and ebb and moving through it also works. There isn't ONE thing that helps me...I use whatever I can to get past it.
Talk about the triggers. When I can talk to my H aobut the trigger (if he'll listen) it makes it less of a trigger the next time. He can then become sensitive to it.
Anniversary of d-day#1 was this past Halloween. I dreaded the holiday but the kids wanted to decorate so I did it...it was a beautiful day so we took them trick or treating...it ended up being a good day. Anniversary of d-dy #2 was hard as it was 2 days after Christmas. I hated the holiday's cried all through them up until New Years. I think if you can tell yourself, it was horrible last year, this year is better....it will be better.

Take care Kara