As most of you know, I am one year past d-day 1 and 2 with 3 being in March. I am sitting here sitting in the land of the blues. The lethals plains of flatness have nothing on the volleying I am experiencing between anger/hate and depression. It seems that I only experience those two extremes now. Happiness seems like an emotion I am truly reaching for.
I was hoping that after the anniverary of d-day #1 that feelings would start moving towards him. I have found that it is not happening. We have had many discussions and the topic of him leaving has hit twice in the last week. It isn't as if I think i'd be happier with him gone, I just don't know what to do anymore. Living in this 'existance' of our former marriage and trying to pick up the pieces is just so hard! He is doing what he can to listen, let me vent, give me space....I don't know anymore what he can do to help me.
I guess I'm looking for advice from those that are 2 or 3 years past.
I was struck by the sense of sadness in your message. You commented that your H listens to you and lets you vent, but I was wondering if he has really, really thought about what he did. I am not nearly as far from Dday as you are, but what has made the difference in my healing is that my H has truly owned up to his actions, taken responsibility for his decisions, looked deeper into himself than I have ever seen him do in almost 21 years of marriage. Now he is even more appalled by his A than I was--who would think THAT would be possible! Is your husband just letting you vent, cry, etc., or is he working hard on understanding what he did, why he did it, how much you were wounded by his actions, etc. If he isn't, my guess would be that is one huge reason for your feelings.
I know exactly what you are saying. Although I can't offer you any advice, understand that you are not alone. I'm coming up to the one year mark and I have wondered how and when our relationship will take a turn for 'the better'. It's just not happening. All of my emotional walls (filled with anger and pain) prevent me from reaching out to him (emotionally and physically). And when he reaches out to me I become completely tense and just tell him to back off.
I wonder if I will ever see him as the wonderful man that I once did...right now...it just doesn't seem possible.
I'm right behind ya Kara!!!!! UGH! I hate all this!
Deedee, I am soooooo sorry I had not read this post yet when I saw you in chat earlier...I would have talked to you about it.
Maybe the veterans have some advice for all of us who seem to be in this "stuck" stage...for me personally, I cope by simply moving on with things that interest me and fulfill me in other ways. It is a lonely way to live, but it is a whole lot better than wasting away waiting for my H to think of someone but himself.
This message has been edited by handlewithcare on Aug 7, 2007 8:39 PM
You are embarking on a new journey now. All those "firsts" after dday are hell to deal with. In a way they are worse because its a yr later and you are thinking to yourself you should be further along than you are...afterall its been a whole yr. That's bullhockey. You've heard it before, the first yr or two is just dealing with the shock of it all and its about survival.
Some journeys we have to go through alone, this is one of them. The best thing your H can do is let you know he'll be there waiting for you on the other end.
You are gonna wanna throw in the towel at times. And you are gonna get sick and tired of being sick and tired. That's normal.
Its a rough trip Dee but you CAN do this. Not for your H or for the marriage, but for YOU.
Tex is so right Dee it is our hurt, our journey alone...but we do get stronger...and TIME does make the hurt.. not hurt so much..it is never totally gone..but we can live a happy and productive life.
I think in the first year I lived with one foot out the door ..not sure what I was going to do. I do have to say the my FWS did everything to help me and that was a big plus. We still go to MC and IC to work on ourselves and our marriage. FWS is also better about now reading my mind, senses when I am having a trigger, and very fast to give me a hug .
Dee I can only say that give your self time...it does feel better at a year and a half...2 years out it is even better...I hardly ever think of the OW...I do get angry at H for the A's and ONS's..but it doesn't last long anymore...I still do get triggers but they are not so hurtful anymore.
Dee put your self first...take care of you...make yourself stronger...the thought we are wrong to stay with a WS keeps going thru our minds...we are not wrong...we took marriage vows for better or worse...this is the worse, and it can get better, and does get better but it is a lot of work for you and your H.
I want to go out for dinner with my H and be able to talk to him...Yesterday we were out to lunch and we watched a couple having lunch...they never said a word to each other, didn't look at each other...it was so sad...so I keep working on me and my marriage. My FWS is dong the same thing, and it feels so good...we do talk to each other.
Thanks for the positive responses!
Tex, this is truly a road that I have to travel alone, and boy, it isn't fun. You've been there in chat when I feel that I'm barely keeping my head above water...the road of reconciliation is not an easy one. The road of divorce is not an easy road. It just depends on what road you are traveling on.
Pat, it is so hard to take time for me. With the schedule that I have, it is just so hard to do. I feel guilty already that I don't spend enough time with my kids.
It is hard when my H isn't willing to look inside himself. He owns up to the pain, the hurt and all that has transpired....but he refuses to look further in this. We argued recently about all of this and when it came down to it, I told him that the affair hurt and the lies hurt just as bad. The continued lies for months and months just killed my self esteem. I trust absolutely no one.
I have said that I want to find a way to 'affair proof' my marriage. I don't want it to happen again and I feel that him finding out how/why it happened would be a good way to start those steps to affair proof. His unwilliningness to delve into himself hurts me in the end.
I do have to say, I again have some hope...and i'm going to hang on to it while I can.
thank you everyone....
Denise
This message has been edited by deedeemommy on Feb 14, 2005 1:23 PM
Time for yourself can be as simple a treating yourself to a Dairy Queen sundae on the way home from your classes...or a bubble bath after the boys go to bed....letting H do the dishes while you read boys a story....meeting a good friend for a quick cup of coffee on a Sat morning and letting H have time with the boys and not feeling guilty.
Time for yourself is really putting yourself first...and Dee that is the best advice I can pass on to you...your self-esteem stays balanced...you know who you are...and you keep your identity...you are still wife and mother but you are Denise first...not in a selfish way but a healthy manner. I have been trying to find out who I am because I lost ME in the process of being a mom and wife....my H didn't respect me for me... didn;t consider me to be more than a mother for his children...I fit the guide lines he was looking for. He loved me but didn't know me...didn't know how to relate to me...we related and communicated as parents but the emotional relationship was not fully developed when he started to have his ONS's and when that happened he closed the door because he could justify his actions why he had needed to have outside women. I didn't see what was happening and didn't didn't know how to change...so I accepted the life we had....I felt guilty buying things for me...I had to justify why...now if I want something " I can decide if I want it or not, and not feel guilty...and Dee that is a big deal for me.
I am happy that right now all is better for you.
I remember so clearly when I was at wit's end one day and El told me "Year one is just about survival"
and before people start jumping all over me for giving out time frames, let me continue
D - you have to survive the crisis before you start to heal - you have to get pulled out of the wreckage and have the injuries examined and treated....
So looking at it from Wise 'Ole El's advice -- WHOOOOHOOOOO!!! You survived! OMG - did you ever think you'd make it this far!
So you survived AND you have a spouse who is willing to own up to at least part of it and (I'm assuming) is shouldering some of the responsibility for the children -- this still puts you ahead of the game.
My advice (you were asking for advice weren't you?) is to let go of trying to force him to "get it" about the damage of the lies. If he doesn't get that by now, forcing isn't going to help -- eventually it will dawn on him maybe - but turn the focus to you. Worry about him later.
This year, think about healing. Think about building your self-esteem. Think about playing to your strengths. Think about feeding your heart and feeding your soul. Try to re-connect with friends you may have shut out over this last year or try to get back into a hobby that's gone untouched. Think about what gave you satisfaction 2 years ago and get back into it or sign up for something you've always wanted to try -- something that will help you feel better about you because that's where self-esteem comes from. It's not about how others treat us or if someone we trust is really honest. It's that feeling inside that you are okay and understanding that others can only hurt you from the outside -- YOU own your inside and YOU need to nourish it.
Others can feed your ego, but YOU own your self-esteem.
In time -- sometime -- there will come a point where much of this will seem like a dream - sort of vague and blurry. I get together several times a year with Fig (she used to post here) and although we rarely talk about the A, we often comment on the aftermath and how it seems like we lived someone else's life for awhile - and we're both amazed at how 'removed' those feelings are from what we feel day to day
Notice that nothing I'm writing about is in any way connected to the outcome of your marriage. Please don't make any decisions about your marriage until you consider yourself past the major trauma and able to think calmly. There's time for those decisions - right now you need the time for you. Work on healing yourself.
