I am having a difficult time dealing with the anger that is left over from discovering the e-mails. The one thing that strikes me the most is that HE WASN'T ALWAYS FUN TO BE WITH. He wasn't always understanding, breezy, sexy, fun or romantic. In fact, much of the time, he wasn't. Probably because he had expended all his efforts with these other women, and he needed some REST.
I had my opportunities to screw around on him, but I DIDN'T. Now I wonder why I didn't. Did it even mean ANYTHING AT ALL TO HIM THAT I WAS FAITHFUL? I feel like an idiot. What was I being faithful to? A relationship with Don Juan? Instead of sitting home all those nights by myself wondering why I was in a relationship with the terminally absent husband, I could have been out finding someone who actually cared about me.
There were times I told him that maybe we should see other people because I FELT LIKE I WAS HAVING THIS RELATIONSHIP BY MYSELF. Then he would come back and court me and be with me until I felt that I may have been wrong, and would give him another chance . . . TO SCREW ME OVER. WHAT DID HE KEEP ME HANGING AROUND FOR? Was he just comparison shopping?
Or was it that he just had to be sure about the OW before he left me so HE wouldn't be alone?
I actually hate him right now, and I want him to suffer like I did. I want him to know how it feels to think about me lying naked in bed with some other man telling him how much I've missed him and how I can't wait to see him again.
Sorry to rant so much lately. Monday was a crappy day.
