Simple enough.
Sorry folks if this is a long ramble just the thoughts of a sad and lonely lady who has arrived at a point in her life she never wanted to reach. Having climbed through immeasurable pain, I had hoped to be at a point of happiness and worthwhile fulfilment looking forward and moving forward with my family and my H. Instead I am looking over the edge of a chasm that is so deep and black it threatens to overwhelm. I feel as if I am being drawn down into that pit and I am in danger of drowning in my own fear and misery. I feel a fraud. I even feel a fraud posting on deeper healing, because I am not healing, neither shallow nor deeper; I don’t think I am healing at all.
Here it is then. Here I am at this juncture in my life. Letting go. Having to let go. Forced to, because I can't hold on alone. He does not want to hold on; work it out; were not worth the effort. His family it seems are not worth the effort. I am not worth the effort. Why can’t I understand that; its simple enough.
He says he wants to be away, has reached the age in his life where he wants to live alone, be by himself. Oh how good of him to let me know. Pity he could not have told me this all those years ago. No one explained that my contract was only for 16 years. I thought I had signed on for life, my mistake, should have read the small print. It seems he was able to start a new arrangement to ease the ending of the old. If that new arrangement did not work out it did not matter because it had served its purpose. The old was terminated, and after all it was simply not worth that much anyhow.
Only no one explained the terms of the termination to me. I had a contract for life I thought so I looked at my contract, read the print it said ‘for better or worse’. Well, I reasoned, I have had some of the worse there could possibly be, I want no more of that, so I can apply myself to my contract and work on the better. Only it seems once again I misunderstood. I only get to have the ‘better’ bit if he chooses to honour the contract. Oh come on Jean, get real, before I signed on the dotted line I should have understood I was signing on only to give away my youth, and only for as long as he wanted to work it. How could you not understand the rules he says? They really are simple enough.
So he gets to walk away. Why? Because he wants to. He gets the choice, stay or go. I get none but to let him go. Even though I don’t want to. He gets his peace and his time and space. I get the kid’s tears and questions, sleepless nights, illness and school runs, troubled sleep, work and empty arms. He kisses the kids, pats the dog, and looks through me. His partner of all these years, the one he has disrespected, hurt and now treats with open hostility. Am I the mirror to his soul? He looks at me and he sees the damage he has done reflected back? A broken family, a broken woman, a very broken man? His selfishness has brought us here; it is simply his selfishness that keeps us here still.
He says he is going; he torments us all with the idea and the words, but no actions. Son is bitter he has not gone. Daughter is sick he is still here. I am torn in three. I know I have to move, take the action, bring it down. He won’t take the step he tortures us with. Why? He wants to go, but he won’t move. He wants to run, but he won’t fight. Not for himself and certainly not for us. What do I want? Good question. I want to stop screaming. I want some peace. I want to feel safe and secure and warm in the arms of someone who loves and respects me. I want someone to hold me who wants to hold me as much as I want to be held. Simple enough.
After all he has done to us. All his poor choices. All the lies and the pain he inflicted we gave him back goodness and hope and love. His father died and we stood tall, side by his side holding him up, helping him stand firm and tall. He repays us with rejection and he runs away. Why do I still not understand? It really is simple enough.
I say to him remember to tell anyone who asks you why, remember to tell them the truth. He says and what is the truth? I say it’s simple enough, you had an affair, your wife and family still love you, stood by you, wanted to forgive you, work it through with you, but you are leaving anyway. That’s it really. It’s simple enough.
There is nothing about this that is simply and that is why we don't understand Jean.
I feel your pain coming through in your words, the intense anger you feel. The fact is you thought you had all these hopes and dreams together and now somebody has ripped them from you without your knowledge or consent.
In fact your feelings mirror my own when my H chose to leave me. I felt rejected, like I was less of a person. What kind of man chooses to leave his family to be by himself. I thought for a long time that I must be really pathetic for him to choose being alone over being with me.
I was angry. Hell I was pissed. I trusted him, how could he do this to me. I too married for better or worse and I went through hell with him for many years because of some previous problems he had, but I stood by his side through it all. In the end I got dismissed, like some piece of garbage he no longer wanted to deal with!
So i do know how you feel Jean. I wish I was there to hug you....but this is the best I can do (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))).
What you do need to know is that you can get through this and you can start a life on your own without him in it and you will eventually be happy. Perhaps some day you can even find a man that deserves you, that will make you happy.
God I know right now how much it hurts. Remember that he is the one that is losing. He is the one that has problems and he will be the one that will eventually be alone. I do believe in Karma and the theory that what goes around comes around......and believe me our H's have their day coming!!!!
YOU have to turn your focus onto you and the kids. I don't mean avoid the pain, cause its their in your face every day. But gradually by doing little things each day that give you pleasure you will begin to find a bit of yourself. For me I found that self had been hidden for many years. In fact, I think in alot of ways I became what my H wanted me to be. I relied upon him for everything, trusted him 100% and he was my life. NOW we are apart and "our" life must shift to making a new life for "you".
It is a great big leap i know but I also know that you have found the strength to come this far, and if you dig just a tiny bit deeper you will find the strength to go farther. I promise you it is there inside you.
Start writing in a journal each day or as often as you need. Yell, scream, vent, post here....do whatever you feel you must in the days and months to come. I found the journal extremely helpful to go back to on bad days to see that I am progressing. It is almost a type of graduation when you realize you stopped writing and looking in your journal. That is when you truly know how far you have come.
Nobody said the road of life would be smooth and without bumps and God apparently doesn't give us more than he thinks we can handle (although at times i had my doubts). Be strong for yourself and kids....and know that we are a safe and caring place for you to come.
Oh Jean, I'm so sorry for your pain. I can't add anything to Kid's post because I haven't been in your position. I can just say I'm sorry. I agree with her that you need to treat yourself well. Love yourself and your children. He is the real loser here. He had love right there, and he is choosing to abandon it. You still have your children, and they still have you. Maybe for right now you can help each other make it through, one day at a time. You know folks here will give you whatever support we all can.
(((((((((((((Jean)))))))))))))))
I am so sorry for all of the pain you are going through. Nothing is ever simple, especially the aftermath of infidelity. I am sad to say that it has claimed yet another victim. I have no idea why he continues to torture you and the children in this way. But we are all here for you Jean.
however i am confused. you are saying he wants to leave, BUT then you say it is because you and the children are not worth his effort. he is not saying that, YOU ARE. there is a difference in what it feels like and what he is saying. dont put extra crap on yourself and the kids at this time but feeling and sayng you arent worth his effort!!!
they are different things hon, he cant make the effort to maintain a marriage and a united family. THAT is very different to you guys not being worth the effort hon!!!
you said your son is upset he hasnt gone and daughter is sick he hasnt left, sounds like they are both unhappy about him being there, the way he is at the moment. they know, like you, that at this time none of you can make him do what you want. therefore he has to go, my heart breaks for you saying this, nearly in tears here for you, cause i know how hard you have fought and are fighting for a different outcome. but it sounds like it really isnt going to happen hon.
besides if he came in the door tongiht and said "oh i thought i might stay - i love you all too much" i dont think you guys would believe him anyway, you would forever wonder "why?, how did he turn all that other crap off so quickly?"
so maybe it is time for him to find himself and find himself alone. rather than leaving you and the children, let him go find whatever it is he thinks he wants., HE IS NO BLOODY GOOD TO YOU AT THE MOMENT HON!
somehow he needs to make that move, it is tough not feeling like you want to force him to do that, then you get the baddy, but in the mean time yo have to live in limbo with his crap.
maybe you could ask him what his plans are, tell him if he cant make any for himself then you and the kids are going to have to make some. not sure if you are in a postition to move etc, but maybe just let him know that you guys need to plan, then he might get his act together.
hon i am so sad this is happening for you.
i want to smack him, i see your smiling face and that of your gorgeous kids, HE KNOWS NOTHING
hugs now before i get angry, not at you hon, but at him
love
kath
Jane & Kid, I know the pain too ....I was also thrown away like garbage ....and in my case, he chose the cheating OW (also married) over the faithful wife who tried to forgive the unforgiveable. Oh I remember the pain and the anger.
But it does go away ...and actually now - three years later - I am grateful that he forced me into that decision - the decision to give up on our marriage. I know in my heart - that I would have felt that pain and anger for the rest of my life had I stayed.
He actually gave me a chance to live again - to find someone who deserves me - to find someone faithful. Sometimes I think about sending the ex a thank you card ...maybe some day I will.
I'm in a wonderful relationship now - and I know that I will never blindfully trust again - but I have learned to trust ...and love again....
Hang in there ....from one bag of discarded trash to another ....you will find happiness again !
I am now over 2 years past dday and coming up on 2 years to when he left. Its nice to know that there is a pot of gold at the end of this hellish rainbow
but I also know that you have found the strength to come this far, and if you dig just a tiny bit deeper you will find the strength to go farther. I promise you it is there inside you.
