hi cherish,
I have been impressed with your enthusiasm and ability to reclaim your life. it really is an amazing accomplishment and a wonderful gift to give yourself.

as I recall we were in similar situations and timelines where the ws married ow although in my case she was pregnant. life is pretty good now but lately some unfinished business has popped up again.

my question is do you believe, I mean really believe that you had a lucky escape? did you have an epiphany moment or did something actually occur to make you believe that things worked out for the best for you.

my head tells me I had a lucky escape, but my heart still thinks I got the short end of the stick. he got off scot free and to be honest, a part of me still wants my day in court, to twist his arm and make him say uncle lol. I know it will never happen and really thought I had moved on from this. apparently not!

think I'm looking for something concrete from the outside world to help me believe that in the end, things did work out for the best. maybe it's a matter of taking that final leap of faith in myself.

I too would be curious about the answer to this.

Ex left me for OW as far as I know they are not married, but living together
For me..Ex did me a favor, anyone who can have an affair for such a long time with the bosses daughter...who is 18years younger then EX..its not someone I want to be married to, I use to see the closesness between EX and OW since she was 15-16years old..and thought only as a brother figure..hahahaha was I dead wrong...he even hid her senior high school pic from me..he was fantasizing over a high school girl...eeek
you add his porn addiction..and forget it...I am glad I am away from that kind of man...OW and EX deserve each other
I wish I would of not been in denial for so long of a time, I wish I wasn't blinded by love
The only short end of the stick I got was...OW is living in my home..she is reaping the benefits of her affair..she had no home before she had nothing and now she has everything so she thinks!
like I said as far as I know they are not married..WHY???
we have been divorced since 2003!
Another thing that I wonder about..is how can OW move right into my home an hour after I moved out????? Knowing that two of my sons are going to be there, and they knowing all about her..I can not imagine doing such a thing...Like I said they deserve each other!

Honestly, can I say that things worked out for the best? Can I say that I am happier now? No. But the way I look at it is - what choice did I have but to move on?

I am happy for many things, I am happy he continued the affair and made the decsion to leave easier, I am happy that we had no children to see the pain, I am happy that I severed all relationships and don't have to be reminded of him, I am happy that I had my own career and finances and did not have to give up my home....so you see, I am happy and grateful that the situation was not worse ....but I will never be happy the way things worked out nor will I ever think this was all for the best.

The best would have been to communicate and try to work things out, and then decide together if it wasn't what we wanted...an affair is "never" for the best.

And although we have all moved on, there's still residue ....I will never trust again the way I did, I still panic at times (in my new relationship), I still don't laugh at affair stories, and I still know the hurt that he caused many people (including my parents). And yes, I still fantasize about him "living up to what he did" someday. Like one of you mentioned - my ex didn't pay any price...he moved away where no one knew what he did, the OW adored him, and he married her. No quilt, no remorse, no humiliation, no judgement.

But my point is that this is the hand I've been dealt. I can either rip up my cards, quit, and sulk my life away in a corner .....or try to see if I win with a hand of 19 versus 21.

I've always felt that at some point you need to leave your past behind you, decided what you want to take with you, and forge your own path and life. We can all sit and blame our parents, our teachers, our ex's ....but what does that get us? Your life is yours - you can chose to live it to the potential or let it rot away. But it's kind of like cheating on a diet - who are you really hurting?

My ex didn't make me. He wasn't even part of me until my late 20's. So I refuse to let him or his selfishness claim me.

But yes, some day I do hope that justice is served

No I don't think the way things turned out is for the best, but they could have been a lot worse.

Hope this helps....

Cherish

Cherish I agree with you in many ways.

I guess you truly know you have let go and moved on when you stop talking about ex and stop trying to demean or insult him.....I believe its called indifference, not love and not hate. Nothing he says or does will bother you even if he tries to push your buttons.

So many posters have such bitter feelings about their ex's. Its refreshing to see you move on and do so well. I really am of the opinion that name calling and putting them down aren't going to get us anywhere in the end besides bitter instead of better. I too had no choice although most times I am indifferent the occasional bitter comment still does slip out so I know I have more work to do on me.

I have been working alot on myself since this happened and will continue to do so. Well I would never say I am glad this happened I do believe things are meant to happen for a reason. Only God knows what that reason is, but in time he will reveal it.

In the meantime I pray for those of us who are single that we may find a man with a heart of gold who will respect and love us the way we deserve to be loved!

Kid

thank you all for the insightful responses, think I'm going to sleep on it.

Kid - and there's another thing I am grateful for - he can't push my buttons - I haven't talked to him since we left court 3 years ago. I count my blessings that I've never had to see or talk to him since (ran to another town with the OW and his tail between his legs). It's strange to think that I was once married to this man and now I don't even know what his life is about ....but in my fantasy world his new life sucks

I don't call him names anymore...I usually just make fun of him when I refer to him - loser Or as my friends and family like to call him - POC (piece of crap)

But I do have to admit that I still have a lot of anger - anger at the lies and deception - anger I would have at anyone who intentionally conned me for their own purposes.

It was odd - I was finally sorting out old photos and I thought I had thrown all of the "us" photos out - but of course there were still some sticking the other photos (sucking the ink out of them - lol) and I stared at them for a while. I had very little feeling - it was actually more of a feeling of how odd life is sometimes....here I sat staring at the photo of a man I didn't even know anymore....of a life that seemed like it was never mine? Odd and a bit sad ....but then I threw them in the fireplace where they belonged ...and moved on to happier photos.

Again, I won't ever be happy that I had to go through what I did - but things do happen for a reason - and if he was/is a cheater I'm glad he did it then - versus 20 years and 2 kids later ...maybe someone up there knew he was a cheater and rushed him along ....wish he would have rushed him before I married the loser...but if you think about all of the affairs out there
....I'm sure he's a very busy man

Cherish

I agree with the sentiments expressed here. I don't think it happened for the best either and thank you for saying that. well meaning people often say that but don't realise the sharp edge of these words. yes, it's great to look for a silver lining but it most certainly didn't bring out the best in either of us.

I have mostly convinced myself too that it happened for a reason which will someday be revealed. sort of like when you don't get a job/promotion you really wanted but then low and behold, a better, more suitable one comes along, one you may not have even considered before -and it ends up being a perfect match! that's my take on it anyway but I don't walk around expecting it.

know that wanting a level playing field (more like levelled flat!) has to do with residual anger about his intentional deception and gain at my expense. have read that much of this anger is really aimed at oneself for having been duped, not seeing the signs earlier on, etc and think this makes a lot of sense, at least in my case.

have noticed those who took it really hard have high personal standards and assumed their spouses did too. it's a rude shock when such huge discrepancies come out in the cold light of day but guess you learn to discern better with experience. I now understand why my parents didn't warm up to some of my more wilder friends from school!

anyway I did lose a number of good years with him but I'm also glad that it happened sooner rather than later.

I wish you all well and hope things continue to get better and better!

I also think that part of the process is trying desperately to figure out why this happened? Should I have seen the signs? Should I have known I was being duped? In my case no. I even look at friends and family that knew him his entire life and still wonder who this person became? Heck if they didn't REALLY know him, how would I have?

I think in my case - the only two he duped was his OW (now wife) and himself. Hopefully one day they will wonder who the heck they thought they were fooling?

But I don't waste my time trying to figure out why anymore.....

Cherish

I'm doing 100% better since last week. these boards are great for gaining perspective and just letting it all out. after every storm, there's sunlight!

it's been nearly three years now, don't have major meltdowns anymore and really thought I was past this. have two friends from work; one got engaged on valentine's day (can you say rock of gilbralter), the other just had a baby and guess it triggered me. we had a small do for them and while driving home afterwards, the floodgates of niagra falls opened up and out it came.

I've long ago stopped trying to make sense of it but like an unfinished book, a part of me wants to know how it'll end and if I'll be ok. when something of this magnitude shatters your judgement and beliefs, you know it can get worse and are hesitant at times to just believe. you have only to watch the evening news to know how hard some people get smacked by life and I truly am thankful. as much as I wanted children, I'm so glad they were spared this heartache, especially knowing this is how he deals with problems. you see, we'd never had a real crisis before this.

think what I'm searching for is a way to feel satisfied about our past, to find peace with it. in my mind, in order to achieve this, I have to make peace with him. we parted in an amiable way but a whole lot of unfinished business was left behind, at least for me. on the way out, he stuck his foot in the door to keep it slightly open. last saw him a year ago and he still had a photo of me in his wallet. he maintained that he really hadn't wanted all this to happen, it was just a fling gone haywire, but there's a baby now so what else could he do but marry her? (I know, I know...)

I have fond memories of previous bf's and am glad to have known them -it was time well spent. this is what I'm seeking with ex if it's possible or even a reasonable expectation. right now, I think it is. life is too short to be haunted by the past or feel hard done by and perhaps it's just a matter of more time. when/if I find an answer, I'll be sure to shout it from the rooftops!

this whole recovery process has been like a rebirth on fast forward. after dday, I longed for my parents unconditional love and support. then I hit the angry adolescent stage and wasn't pleasant to be around lol. next came the young adult stage where I went out into the world again, tried different things, got a new job and now I'm entering the next stage -the same place I was at when I met ex. kind of spooky and exciting at the same time!

happy sunday.

LAPIN WROTE:
"I have fond memories of previous bf's and am glad to have known them -it was time well spent. this is what I'm seeking with ex if it's possible or even a reasonable expectation. right now, I think it is."

I am still fighting for my marraige 8 months after d-day. Sometimes I wonder why. When I read this I knew immediately. It's not just because I am still in love with H, it's because I don't want all of those years to be "wasted" time. If we can't make it work then I just wasted 15 years of my life(19 years together) with this man, went through HELL and for what? All that time has to have meant something...there has to be more to it than that!

I can also look back on ex boyfirends, even one I spent 7 years with and say that it wasn't time wasted. It all helped me to be who am I. Even if all of the experiences were not wonderful, they at least had meaning. When I got married I knew H was "the one" and I was ready for him...I was prepared to stay with this man and grow old with him, have children and build a life together. The problem was that life happened along the way. I did not change my outlook. I was in in for the long haul, for better or worse. Too bad he wasn't. There is nothing I can do about that. He built the wall around himself and I cannot tear it down without his help. But that doesn't mean that I have given up. Just have to alter the plans and have another try at it. Hopefully one day I will break through the wall. But I am realistic and I know that if I cannot break through within a reasonable amount of time, and not from lack of effort, I will eventually stop trying. At least I know I did my best and I tried, unlike him. Somehow I will just know when that time is up, I will feel it in my heart. If it comes to that I think I will have peace and I will know that it is time to move on. That time has not come yet.

Take Care,
Carol~

think you articulated much of what I'm grappling with or am looking for to bring peace. the effort, sacrifices, memories and time(!) invested all seem like such a waste. I've combed through the ashes looking for something positive and can't find anything substantial to justify it besides life's hard lessons. it goes beyond self pity and 'not getting my own way' but being unable to fully reconcile the past as I knew it with the past as it was ie, the reality I didn't know.

I fully understand how this aspect can, at least in part, be motivation for hanging in there. I know it was for me at the time because how could I have really wanted someone back who was sneaky enough to carry on a secret double life, pretending, and to see me believe it too?

we didn't have children and on one hand, I'm grateful to have spared them but on the other, it leaves a pained vacuum of nothingness. one thing I did learn is to make sure you're getting a good part of what you want now in a relationship and not to wait for some magical time in the future as it may never come. good things do not always come to those who wait!

guess I'm frustrated and needed to let off some steam here so pardon my rant. years ago, I made a conscious decison to live a life w/o regrets as best I could and it backfired. my best wasn't good enough, obviously, and maybe I'm still mad at myself for being so incredibly gullible and yes, stupid. have read that a big part of recovery is forgiving yourself for your part in this. for some reason the heart is much slower at acceptance than the head!

I'm an old hand at this now and want to be free of these lingering thoughts and to not let it fester into bitterness so I looked up my counselor and found out she retired over a year ago! she was nice and a good sounding board but not that effective. don't want to start with someone new as I think it's just a glitch. aarrggh! thank heavens for these boards.

Lapin, I think at a certain point you have to stop searching to find the positives from your past, and start making the positives in your today and future? Chances are you will never find the answers that you're looking for.....

Last Christmas I had a one week relapse - I found out that my ex was marrying the OW on New Years Eve. I wasn't mourning him because I really don't care about him - I was mourning the realities and unfairness of life - how could they destroy so many lives (she was also married) and everything works out for them? How could our friends and family attend their cermemony just four years after they attended ours (and yes they had a full church ceremony)?

Then I realized - although I was angry at life - I was mostly upset because my life was not where I wanted it to be. I was dating someone who irritated the hell out of me (but nice to have someone around) and I wasn't happy. New Year's Day I started over - and broke off the relationship.

Instead of searching for postives in your past - decide what you can do to "create" new postives in your future. The energy and time you're wasting trying to find answers and the "whys", could be spent more effectively. I used to play it in my head a hundred times a day ...and one day I realized I won't ever find the answers I want.

P.S. two weeks after New Years I called a gentleman that I met on a girls weekend (he pursued me for months but I was dating Mr.irritating. A week later I flew to see him and the most wonderful and romantic week of my life (haha even better than my honeymoon). We've been flying back and forth for over a year now - and he is wonderful. Not sure where it will lead - one of us would have to make some huge decisions, but regardless it showed me that I am capable of loving and trusting again, and that sometimes you have to make hard decisions to be happy ....

He renewed my belief in Fate (that we met) and Faith in love again.

Cherish

Wow Cherish...I am so happy for you. I do not want to be a bitter old lady if my marriage does not work out either. I want to trust again in love and in life, but I know I will never trust as much or in the same way. I am much wiser now and you realize you have to be realistic.

Best wishes,
Carol~

Carol I agree. I will never be the same person I was. I will never trust like I did. I will never be "too secure" in my relationships. I will never be so blind. But even with this "baggage" I know that I can be happy again. And I also had to fess up that there were some big issues in my marriage - issues we tried to push under the rug....problem with that is one day you trip over all the crap under your rug and fall flat on your face

Again, I don't know where this will go (he's actually here this weekend interviewing), but regardless of what happens - I know I will be ok. I can survive anything now. And just to be loved is so nice again - to not be compared to someone else ....nto to have somone compare you so they can justify their affair. I feel right now like my name - Cherished.

Cherish

(((((((((((Cherish)))))))))

Your post my me cry, but happy tears! You went through the most painful lesson in life and came out on top! You did good girl!

Take Care,
Carol~

that's a happy story cherish and I wish you well! I agree entirely with your observations from your last post, especially about the crud building up that you don't see until you trip over it lol.

it wasn't bad crud but looking back, I sensed something was off -even in the early years- yet I could never put my finger on it, just little things. I sometimes used to look at him sleeping and wonder, but never explored it any further. I wasn't very deep back then but was probably a lot more fun though! some people really know themselves and recognise subtle signs whereas I have to be hit on the head lol and think that was a huge listening lesson for me. it's weird how your mind/body always 'knows' and it tries to tell you, albeit in ways you can't always comprehend.

I re-read this thread and am happy to report that I'm a million miles away from my initial post. think it was a relapse of sorts. bits of unfinished business will probably continue to pop up from time to time. the saga now has a far away feeling, as if it happened in another lifetime. he's mostly become just someone I used to know.
viva la indifference!

it's interesting how you can progress ever so slowly for ages -even regress- but can quickly be catapulted forward.

it's funny that after years of feeling special, what lingers is being secretly compared to someone else and uncertainty. I would like to meet someone new too and hope that cupid aims much better this time! enough time has passed and aside from the obvious benefits, think it would also help seal the past.