There seems to be a lot of talk again about forgiveness, so I have been giving that topic a great deal of serious thought. Rather than hijack a few threads, I'd like to just share some personal insight with you all...
It used to be that I felt I could forgive anyone of anything. I've endured some ugly situations in life and sort of prided myself on my ability to sincerely forgive pretty much at will. D-day changed all that - suddenly I was faced with re-thinking everything I ever believed about forgiveness and forced to learn (re-learn) what forgiveness really is. In the early months after d-day, I agonized over my inability to automatically forgive my H and everyone who was involved. Oftentimes, I sat dumbfounded as my h would chide me saying "you haven't forgiven me" as though the reason for our marriage still being in the dumper was due to a character flaw in me. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders as I listened to church leaders counsel that I had to learn to forgive to lessen the burden...all the while feeling helpless and guilty because I didn't understand what in the world to do nor did I know how to forgive my h for what he did.
Well, it has taken a lot of listening here, a lot of prayer, a lot of meditation, a lot of reading, and a lot of patience, but I think I finally figured a few things out about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a process. It is not something we declare and it magically happens. Just as love is a process and needs to be nurtured, forgiveness is a process and also needs nurturing. For some, forgiveness is the beginning of healing; for others, it is the reward after a long hard journey. Either way, forgiveness is an ongoing emotion and requires ongoing effort on our part.
I am a Christian woman and abide by the biblical law that says that man (and woman) must forgive...not shouldMUST. But even in the scriptures, there is no mention of when forgiveness is to be granted or that it must be granted within a certain time period. It is simply required within our lifetime. I think only we -as men and women- have come to demand immediate forgiveness from one another, not God. And as a result, it has become sort of cliché in some respects. I feel that God truly understands that perhaps, in some circumstances, reaching that fullness of forgiveness may indeed take us a lifetime to accomplish. Obviously, since we can't ignore that it is ours to do (offering forgiveness), we should/can at least make an attempt from the beginning to initiate the process by planting that tiny seed of compassion in our hearts. As that seed begins to grow and as we become stronger and more capable of healing within, we can nurture that compassion by adding to it knowledge and understanding and tolerance. Eventually, in no particular season, that seed we planted will flourish and well find ourselves cultivating a spirit of true forgiveness.
Please bear with me again as I share from another biblical standpoint. In the scriptures, God has clearly stated that if your spouse is guilty of adultery you may divorce. You don't have to attempt to save the marriage, you don't have to justify leaving or explain anything to anyone - you can end the marriage. Period. He doesn't say you should leave or you have to leave, He just says you CAN...and He will sanction it. This tells me how traumatic and devastating God realizes adultery is to an individual, not just to a marriage and to His eternal plan. BUT...given all that, God never goes on to say we don't have to forgive our spouse. In fact, forgiveness as related to affairs is no different than forgiveness for other offensesmeaning, no matter whether we stay or go, whether or not our WS is sincerely remorseful or woefully unrepentant, forgiveness has to be granted. It is our duty, despite our circumstances.
So why does God make such a big deal about forgiveness? Well, first and foremost, Jesus Christ died for all of us. He carried the weight of all the pain that has ever been borne on this earth. He already paid the price for each of our WS, so if we as BS refuse to forgive, then we are, in essence, refusing to acknowledge Christ's Atonement. But also, Jesus Christ bore our pain as well, and by forgiving, it is our opportunity to give back the pain that was laid on our shoulders and which tore our hearts to shreds. Forgiveness becomes a gift we give to ourselves as well as a gift we give to the one who offended us. It absolves us of the need to carry the burden any longer. It allows us to become more compassionate and more Christ-like, and ultimately, stronger in our resolve as an individual.
Forgiveness is definitely part of the healing, but when it happens and how it happens depends on the individuals involved. Are you required to immediately forgive someone who has sincerely and earnestly asked your forgiveness? NO. It is not very likely that the offenders need to be forgiven will mirror your ability to forgive at that moment. If it does, then rejoice and move forward together. But, if it doesnt, dont despair or offer false forgiveness just offer kindness and take that opportunity to give a little extra care to those seeds of compassion that blossom into real forgiveness.
I dont subscribe to the notion that some people do not want to forgive and therefore enjoy the pain they carry with them. But I do believe that many people do not know how to even begin the process of forgiveness or perhaps resist it because of a fear of being vulnerable again. They lack the understanding that offering forgiveness frees them, empowers them - it actually has little to do with the one they have forgiven.
I also think that too often we incorrectly connect the word FORGET with forgive (which God never mentions either) and give up before we even begin, because we have created an almost unbeatable task for ourselves. We wind up either refusing to forgive in the first place - thereby perpetuating a spirit of further punishing the offender - or sound defeat without even trying because we realize the human mind is just not set up to simply relinquish memories on command. The amazing part about true forgiveness, though, is that through the process of learning to forgive, our hearts become so resilient and our minds become so strong that the memories which once held us hostage simply lose their ability to overpower us, and we eventually stop allowing them into our thoughts. We dont forget what happened, but we also dont cater to the memories. And because we have learned to forgive, we have replaced the anguish with peacefulness and hope.
For those of you who are non-Christian or agnostic, I appreciate your beliefs and hope you can embrace what I have shared in a way that it compliments your own beliefs. I believe that at the core of all spiritual beliefs is the ideal that we are connected as a part of humanity and we ultimately have an obligation to be compassionate and tolerant with each other. And that is the message I have tried to convey here. I hope it helps.
This message has been edited by handlewithcare on Nov 4, 2009 8:22 AM This message has been edited by handlewithcare on Aug 5, 2007 9:17 PM
Jane Thank you so very much for this message. I too, have been grappling with when and how to forgive my WH . I have trusted in my faith in Gods word to lead me and guide me through this storm and I know He is . Your words have also given me encouragement to continue to trust God as He dulls the memories and gives me hope for each new day as I struggle with forgiveness a little at a time.Remembering that a sin is a sin no matter what it is and we are all sinners has been a huge reminder to me.It doesnt excuse what my WH did yet I know I am called to forgive! Thanks and big hugs back atcha, kellie
I'm not religious, but that post made had a huge impact on me and is part of what helped me forgive H. Thank you so much for taking the time to write out your thoughts.
It seems that we must find what it is in each of our specific situations that keeps us from forgiveness. Then we must over come that opsticle or hurdle. It seems then our hearts are open to forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice, but we can only make that choice when our hearts are ready to do so.
Take Care,
Carol~
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Jun 5, 2007 9:24 AM
Thanks jane...I have struggled with the same thing...I am religious...but I am open to everyone's interpertation...I went to one of the couples...retreats...and I took many good tools and things away from it...however I disagreed and have had an emotional hard time with their concept of forgiveness and love...they believe you put the past behind you, you chose to love, and you chose to forgive....BUt I too believe it is a process....and I do have to make the choice..."plant the seed" to work towards forgiveness and love...but I cannot put the past behind me and make these HARD choices w/o time...w/o working hard...and the gradual proceess that I feel true forgiveness is....
I too have had many difficult situations to get past as a child....I learned to forgive and move on...when I was hit by DDAY everrything I thought I knew about forgiveness...everything I thought I knew about myself...went down the toilet...I question myself..."maybe I'm not the christian I thought I was...maybe I'm not the good person I thougut I was...here is a remorseful H...why can't I let it go"...
I have now re-read this and it is very complete and it shows the power of a strong heart and strong mind workign together - I am working in the garden trying to plant some of those "seeds". Thank you - Jerry
i am glad this thread has been bumped up, to be honest i had sort of forgotten it, probably because i didnt 'get' the god stuff.
i am not an agnostic, i would say i am a christian, but i dont go to church and all that stuff, i have been, found it nice and all that, but i dont live a religious life, maybe not even a christian life, but i still call myself a christian.
so tonight going back over what you said the bit that really jumped out to me was
"Forgiveness is a process. It is not something we declare and it magically happens. Just as love is a process and needs to be nurtured, forgiveness is a process and also needs nurturing. For some, forgiveness is the beginning of healing; for others, it is the reward after a long hard journey. Either way, forgiveness is an ongoing emotion and requires ongoing effort on our part. "
i am not sure if it is a process that god made or not, but regardless of whether god gave it to us, (that is the christian god or any other god) as people it is an important process, given to us and understood by us as people.
so jane i commend you for making this post and reminding us that forgiveness is a process. i figure whether one believes in a god or not, we can just learn that forgiveness is a process. that is the most important thing. for me if the idea came from god, then i have to say "god thanks for that, good idea" haha, but beside it being gods thought it is a good idea anyway.
anyway enough raving, thanks for bumping this up, an excellant thread, very thought provoking, apologies if i have offended any people who have god in their lives, maybe my cynasism, comes from not having god in my life.
Jane, re-reading your words makes me realise how beautiful not only words but the human thoughts and emotions behind them can be. Thank you and Pat for reminding us of this powerful piece.
may you be safe and well and find forgiveness bringing contentment and happiness.. sooner rather than later
Forgandforg used to mean forgive and forget. Now it means forgive and forgive....and forgive....and forgive because I just have to keep reminding myself to work on it. Accepted, yes. Committed to reconciliation, yes. Forgive...hasn't happened yet. I understand it mostly, but it'll be a while before I forgive it.
I realized that it is easy to show compassion for someone who has been hurt by someone else. But, to be compassionate to the one who has hurt you - that is true compassion. I strive for that so that out of this horrible mess I can become a better person.
Great post, very helpful, very meaningful. Not big on church or religion but grew up Catholic and my father was an amazing man, I always say he's the most Christian person I know and he didn't go to church, much. Messages about compassion and forgiveness resonate with me.
I agree with all you say, however i struggle with knowing how to forgive and knowing if I've done it. We're still married, we have fun together, go out with friends, enjoy time together, have great sex, talk about our future, etc.
The fact that I still think about what he did to me with the affair and "judge" him on it tells me that I haven't truly forgiven him. Yes?
I have always been one to easily forgive and forget. We are so committed to our marriage now but I can't seem to shake the thoughts that get in the way of my having a peaceful mind again.
I am constantly reminded of his A and I keep relating everything to his behavior in that time of our lives. I torture myself with this stuff. He continues to be sweet and loving through it all. He has no idea how much its on my mind one year later.
Is this forgiveness?
It doesn't feel like it. I truly want to forgive him but how can I honestly say he is completely forgivven if I still think this way? How do I get there. Where's the map? How do I know when I've arrived?
Lisa
> I can't seem to shake the thoughts that get in the way of my having a peaceful mind again.
I believe that the shock of infidelity is a deep trauma, and most people go through a post traumatic kind of recovery process. This has been true for me and a few of the people who've posted on this forum. Time and excercise are important factors in recovery from these things. As you accept them as part of who you are, and as you work to minimize their impact on your thoughts you will find that they diminish in strenth.
Lisa, I am at the same point. It's been 14 mo. I obsess over the FF OW but I sort of ping pong back and forth from her to my H who has learned to just let me lose it and smile hopefully later. Not always very satisfying.
I said last night that he and my FF did not have the same experience as me. He does not realize the daily devastation I experience. It waves over me triggered by SO many things.
That is when I feel angry. When I am dealing w/the fallout in myself. And his calm acceptance of my upsetness sometimes feels frustrating. Am I expressing this right? He really doesn't know what to do.
But when I'm upset and he's fine I feel so angry again. Why am I the one hurting? That's hard for me to forgive.
Then I read the timelines, which are VERY interesting to me. And I think, it hasn't been enough time. I just hope I can survive that long.
Deb
That was beautifully written. Thank you so much. Things are still a little too fresh to say that I have forgiven but it is the goal I have. I agree that it is more for ourselves and has little to do with the WS. Thank you again.
~Rachel
