H told me that he felt like he was a good person, a better person when he is with me. He said that the boys and I are the most important thing to him. He also said that he was going to fight for us and would never again jeopardize our family.
This gave me flashbacks to our wedding. Just before our wedding reception, H and I had a few moments in room with just us. No one else. He was so overcome with emotion and whispered similar things to me. I felt like for the first time in years, he felt the same way as he did on our wedding day: full of joy, purpose and determination. I was happy. I sent H an email expressing how I felt. After I sent it, my happy feelings left fairly quickly. It seems as though when I express my happy/positive feelings for H, they disappear as quickly as they come.
Does this happen to anyone else? Can anyone explain this?
I think it's called being thrown so far off your foundation that you are afraid to trust again.
After all, you were so wrong to believe it the first time, what makes you think you could be right now?
That's what I call it anyway.
For awhile, my worst times would IMMEDIATELY follow the good times, like some weird protection device to not allow myself to be played for the fool again.
DJ,
Just wanted to let you know that I won't even say anything nice about my XH out loud anymore, every time I even have a nice thought about him, it's gone before it even leaves my head. Not only that but every time, I say something nice about him, he senses it, like a whistle only a dog can hear and immediatly turns into a big Butt head!
Take Care,
NTS
Yeah, what is that about? Immediately after feeling good about the marriage that plunge back into anger, resentment and insecurity. Maybe we feel they don't deserve our love yet?, still on shaky ground emotionally, how long before this passes? Did all of you who are further down the road have this issue. (How many issues are there, this is wearing me out.)
I think you hit the nail on the head. Allowing myself to be vulnerable is so terrifying. Perhaps it is why angry most of the time, instead of sad and crying. Since discovering A on August 12, I've only cried about 3 times. My good feelings are always replaced with regret when I express them to H. Aside from the fear, maybe it is also wishing to test him to see how much crap he is willing to take...to see how much he will fight for me, to see is he is strong enough to carry us because I've already done that once. Can you say passive agressive?
I KNOW THAT EVERYTIME I MENTION MY H OR MY MARRIAGE TO ANYONE, HIS A IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. IT FEELS LIKE A LIE WHEN I TELL PEOPLE THINGS ABOUT HIM OR OUR MARRIAGE. WHEN HE IS AROUND ME, I LOVE HIM AND I AM PROUD OF HIM. WHEN HE IS AWAY AT WORK FOR DAYS OR WEEKS AT A TIME, IT IS LIKE I LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR HIM. ONE REASON, BECAUSE HIS A HAPPENED WHILE HE WAS OUT OF TOWN WORKING AND TWO, HE WILL NEVER QUIT HIS JOB TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE OR OUR FAMILY. THE MONEY AND JOB STATUS MEANS TOO MUCH TO HIM. I KNOW FOR AWHILE, I FELT HAPPY AGAIN BUT LIKE EVERYONE SAYS, AN A WILL TAKE YOU UP AND DOWN A ROLLER COASTER RIDE. GOOD LUCK.
