I don't know if it is coming from my anger,IC, from books I have read, or the way my mind thinks (takes me awhile sometimes), or even just the passage of time, but I am gaining strength. I feel it, and it feels good. I see that my H cannot offer me all of the things that I need to heal (caring communication, affection, reassurance, and commitment). Whether he can or he won't doesnt make a difference anymore. In fact, he has offered me very little in the way of healing. I see more and more the power to heal must come from within oneself. I realize that healing the marriage takes both of us and he is not willing. But my personal healing from this betrayal is up to me, and me alone. I now know that healing is possible with or without him. I think I have known this for a long time but I could not accept it and so wanted him to care enough to do something. And instead of enabling the way he treats me I must learn to let it go and take care of myself, which I think I am truly begining to do. It is more about me and less about him now. And that is a good thing. For so long I have focused on him and his needs, which have gone unappreciated, unreciprocated. Now it is time for me and what I want for me. And what I want for "me" is different than what I want for "us" as a couple.

Carol~

(((((Carol))))))

. > >

With your spirit, determination, you are a true winner in this survival- healing ride we are on.

pat

Carol,

I truly believe this takes a long time to realize. We do know this is true deep down inside but somehow want this to come from the WS more than ourselves. I know this too and am waiting for the healing to come from him. I now realize like you this is not happening, how long do we wait or do we. My marriage is very important to me as you and I do not give up that easily but I am wearing very thin and also need to realize that I need to come first yet this is not a comfort zone for my H. I usually cater to everyone elses need except my own and I have been slowing, in small steps thinking about me. Which by the way he has done throughout. Today a co-worker came in a was glowing because over the weekend she became engaged. The proposal was romantic and her financee truly went out of his way to show her he cared. He chose a place that she loved and lost 27hrs of sleep to get there. We she explained to proposal I had all I could do not to cry. I was so happy for her and at the same time wondered why I didn't seem to be important enough to my H that he cannot even sacrifice his television to talk with me. H knows that I have been upset this week but has avoided my attempts to converse. This will not go away but it will build up inside and I am getting angry with him. I guess I must come to the realization as you that the healing needs to come from me only but if that is the case then why is he here and what needs is he fullfilling exept his own. My H also owns a pizzeria and I find him consumed once again. I did not want this for him but he did now he can bury himself in his work and ignore the issues at home because by the time he gets home the day is over and so is he. I do not want to go through life this way. If we do not break through this somehow I am not sure were I will be. I give you lots credit and strength as you know we all need it. Hugs, Hugs

((((((((Fran))))))))))

If there is anyone who can understand what you are saying it is me. It seems that the pizzeria business attracts the same type of men. Men who are workaholics, who avoid dealing with life outside their work(which is their world) and have huge intimacy issues. I will say one thing in their defense and only one thing...without their dedication to the business and determination to succeed, the business would have surely failed in the begining. But once the business is established and things are going well, you would think they would realize it is now time to focus a little on my wife & kids. Aftreall, that is what he promied me, right? But that's not what happens. They are so used to dealing with the business and have distanced themselves from us so much, they have no idea how to associate with the family. They feel insecure in the real world with the family so they focus even more energy on the business and push us even further away. The pizzeria gives them all they need. Adoring and loyal customers, a sense of pride and accomplishment. The pizzeria becomes who they are. It is a part of them and they are lost without it. Sad as it maybe, this is their truth, and I see it everyday in his eyes...and in his actions. Not so much in his words because he hardly talks to me. They do not know how to function outside of the world of the pizzeria. At this point, family, especially the wife, seems more of an unwelcomed distraction and nuissance than a companion and lover. In other words, they no longer see us as their partner. They feel isolated. But this is of their own doing...their choice. And they are the only ones who have the power to change that. Try as we may, all we do is irritate them, not change them, and we become disappointed. They have to want to change, and if your H is anything like mine (and he seems to be)they have no desire to change because it has worked for them for so long they see no need to change, even to spite the pain they have caused us.

Many things you said describe my H. When he comes home from work he is spent. He does not have the time, desire, or strength to put any effort into "us" or me. After 16 months of his avoidance of the issues and refusal to see we have a problem, I have feel I have no other option but to go it alone in healing. Not healing the marriage, but healing myself. Finding the strength and the self-esteem to do that has not been easy without him since he offers me no comfort, support or understanding, just like your H. But what we need to understand and realize is that there are three things that are healing from infidelity...the marriage, which it is up to both of you to do your part, the WS's personal healing, and the BS's personal healing. I understand that the ideal situation is for the marriage to heal as we each do our own personal healing. It is much easier to heal on a personal level if you feel the love and commitment from your spouse, but if they're not there for you, you still need to heal. You still need to take care of yourself and get on with your life. That is where it all hit me. You keep hearing everyone say that but what does it mean? You must explore what it means to you, inside of you, and for you only. This is not something that anyone else can tell you...it comes from YOU! Listen to your heart...listen to your gut. Listen to what your body & mind are telling you. I had to get very angry before I truly heard what my body & mind were telling me...actually shouting at me would be more precise. The anger came from not being able to accept "this is my life". I have been struggling with staying or going for so long because I felt I only had those two choices. My mind said it was as simple as black or white. What I didnt realize was that there are shades of grey between the black & white. I do not need to leave my H or my marriage to continue with my life. This is one of my shades of grey. My H is a part of my life and I love him, and I am not willing to give up everything because he slept with OW. Like you, I want my marriage to work. But it is not only up to me, he has to want it too. My H seems to have accepted the fact that he is stuck with me and he is content to live with the way things are right now. But Im not! I am going on with my life.

Take Care,
Carol~