I've been wondering from time to time what it measn when we say our partner gets it or doesn't get it and does it change over time. I think for me it's been about getting the extent to which his actions hurt me and our relationship. It's also about honesty and understanding that maybe it matters even more than love in a relationship. Getting it is also about the BS I think. I think at the begginning I rejected how bad it would hurt and how long it would hurt in much the same way as he did. I've had to get it to, that if it was going to get better it was first going to get much worse. It's easier to see it looking back because the last year has been healing but in small increments and it seems it was most possible for me when the rollercoaster slowed down. M

Well in my humble opinion it is usually not about the BS getting it, but rather the WS. The BS has to accept the fact the marriage will never be the same and must be built from the ground up again. That to me is more along the lines of acceptance than getting it.

The WS needs to get it. They need to get the hurt they caused. They need to get the pain they caused. They need to get the damage they caused to their spouse, children, family, friends etc. They need to accept responsibility and vow to do anything in their power to make it better for the person they hurt. That to me is "getting it". The realization that you not only did something very wrong, but that you are willing to make up for it and spend whatever time is necessary to let your spouse heal and agree to look introspectively inside yourself to make whatever changes are necessary inside you so that it will not happen again. It isn't about being sorry you got caught, it's about being sorry you hurt the ones you love.

Kid

Kid, I couldn't have said it better myself!

I think I know what you're saying Marie. I thought recovery would be easier and take less time than it has. I grossly underestimated it. Now I understand why the counselor smiled when I told him that we'd be "back to normal" after about 6 months to a year.

I get it now. I get that it takes a long time, if not a lifetime to learn to accept this kind of trauma. I also get that no matter how "different" we think or situation is from others, there is much more that we have in common. I think there is more that is the same about various affair recovery situations than there is that is different.

TomJ

I think both a ws and a bs need to get it. They both need to realize healing will take a long time and it will be painful. Both must really want the marriage to work and both must keep the lines of communication open, and be patient! A WS needs to understand the devistation and pain they caused, be remorseful and responsible for their behavior and do whatever needs to be done to heal the marriage. The BS needs to work through the pain and understand that it was not their fault and eventually learn to trust and learn to forgive a WS who has proven that they got it. And what Kim and Tom said

Carol~

For me it's really been both of us needing to get the extent of the trauma. I really think as a BS I thought I could forgive it in two months, surely by the end of a year. Of course it's not been that. I don't think that I saw then that every question would have an answer that would need more forgiveness, and that the forgiveness would take me a very long time. M

I wouldn't expect you to get to a point of forgiveness for several years.......that is about average anyway.

<< I don't think that I saw then that every question would have an answer that would need more forgiveness, and that the forgiveness would take me a very long time. >>

Yes..I think this is true. Each time we must make a chocie to forgive. We forgive what we can...the rest takes time. Forgiveness is continuous, not a one time thing. I have forgiven my H for certain aspects of the A, but not all of them. I thought maybe I hadnt truly forgiven, but I felt as if I did...because I was forgiving some things but not all. This makes so much sense and I am sure total forgiveness will take a lot of time. I also suspect that whether I stay with my H or not, I will still find the need to give total forgiveness eventually...to let it all go.

Take care,
Carol~

I think that is true Carol - regardless of the outcome you have to make peace with the person who betrayed you. My H's first wife had several As and left him for someone eventually - he was devastated and never had an opportunity to really resolve it, not actually until his own A in our marriage. He carried his hurts wih him into our relationship. M

<< He carried his hurts wih him into our relationship.>>

Exactly. I would not want to do that, to carry the hurt and pain into a new relationship. I wouldnt do that to myself or to someone else I might care for.

Carol~