This is the first thread for me here. It's been almost two years since my D-Day. It was two years ago last week that he first called her which was also her b-day. I'm still angry over the time that he spent talking to her on the phone when for years he acted irritated if I called him and had no time for me. He is trying very hard now, but I'm afraid he's still in denial and thinks that in a way it was justified because I wouldn't have sex with a drunk who treated me like a dog s*%t. I'm still feeling anger and obsessive about the OW. Will this ever go away so that I can go through a day without thinking about it? Sometimes the pain comes back very acutely, especially at this time of year.
I am a little confused. Perhaps it is because you misunderstand D-day. You say it has been 2 years since D-day, but then you say it was 2 years ago since he first called her. D-day is the anniversary of the day you found out about the Affair. Not the anniversary of the day the A started. I must say though the beginning of the A has always been a tough time for me too.
Please let us know how long it has been since you found out.
This time of year, with or with out an awful date to remember, is hard on a BS. Happy times, contrast the pain we feel inside and magnify it ten fold. It is difficult to get into the spirit when our world is falling apart. But it does get better eventually.
Getting better is something we need to work towards. Time alone does not heal although it can dull the pain and anger some. Understanding and knowledge about first and foremost YOURSELF, Affairs, Your Husband and then coming to an answer for why it happened. If your husband still persists in blaming you, that can hold you back. No matter what the situation, even in the case of abuse, the spouse is never to blame for the poor choice of an affair. There are always other options and infidelity is not one of them.
Talking the affair to death is what has helped my H and I heal as well as several other members here at the Healing Heart. We are 4 years past D-day and I am no longer controlled by the memories of his affair. That my husband totally owned his behavior and my pain are 2 huge reasons we have been able to make it as a couple.
Thanks for you response. My D-Day is Jan 13. I should have said that I was almost 2 years out from D-Day. He first called her Dec 17. It was a brief affair, but very painful nonetheless. It's very hard for me at this time of year. You're very right. My husband is a self employed workaholic. For a while things were really good, but for the last 6 months all he's done is work. 12 hour days, seven days a week. Needless to say, he has no energy for anything else. He avoids talking about the A at all costs so I don't know what he thinks. I do know that he tends to be good at rationalizing and denying things that are unpleasant and he has tried to blame me for the A and I have refused to accept the blame.
I tried to talk to him last night telling him that I need him to be pro-active in this marriage (he tends to leave everything except his work to me). I don't get much response from him so I never know what sinks in and what doesn't. He's working today, but he did ask if I wanted to have lunch. That's not talking, but it's something.
I guess I need to get him to talk, but I don't know how I will accomplish that. I can't force him and when I talk to him he just looks at me with no expression and flat eyes. If you have any hints for me, please post them.
This message has been edited by ps_tx on Dec 23, 2005 10:58 AM
Thanks for writing. I understood what you meant regarding your D-day and the start of the affair. The first few times you go through the time of year when things were happening is a hard trigger. I can tell you that it gets better with each passing year, especially when your spouse is trying hard to help you through them.
Many of our members finally figured out how to explain to their spouses why they need to talk about the affair, how it helps healing, and how fundemental it is to restoring the relationship through the discussion we have here.
I know several self employed people, one who is a very close friend and had an affair with a client. The problem with your husband's work schedule is very common.
I think many workaholics tend to work in with the simultaneous attitudes that no else can do things as well as they can (Do it yourself if you want it done right) AND insecurity (Customers will go to other suppliers if I don't meet there needs). The result is that they have to work all the time to meet everyone needs while doing everything themselves.
I suggest working to make it clear to your husband that you want a perminant change in the number of hours he puts in at work. Most people would agree that cosistently working 100 hour each week is too high. Ask for some balance. Ask for reasonable limits except under special circuimstances. As someone who has worked a lot of hours, I can tell you that I didn't appreciate the importance of being home more. I can also say that it didn't have anything to do with the environment at home. I just enjoyed my work and wanted to do many things. However, I see in hindsight that I needed to establish more balance. While I know that I ignored my wife's requests to be home more, I also think that she somewhat enabled me to do this by making it appear that it was usually OK with her. I can see now that she needed to tell me more, but I can also see that I probably would have fought her attempts to curtail my work time.
As you move the the triggers that this time of year brings to mind, share the pain you are going through with your husband. As I've done this with my wife it has helped to restore the relationship between us. We still have difficult times, even after over five years of recovery, but this process has helped us.
Thanks, Tom. I'm trying to do that, but I'm not sure I'm getting through. He is a very closed down person and won't talk about his A. I will continue to try to explain to him what I need.
I am only 5 months from d-day and won't try to give any advice here. But I will offer empathy. I have a similar situation. H is occupied elsewhere most of the time and is very shut down and won't talk about the A. I just want you to know you're not alone. Others are going through the same things.
My H is also a workaholic. We have a pizzeria and my H works 7 days a week 16 hours a day. He even refuses to go on vacations and only takes major holidays off. He has no time for me or the kids but isnt it funny how they find time for an affair? Makes you wonder how that's possible. That's the part that hurts the most for me, I mean that really, really hurts, that if he found time for her, some bimbo he barely knew, why cant he find time for his family, for his wife and children? Why arent we important enough to make time for? It is so very sad, especially for the children. They dont fully understand why their daddy doesnt do anything with them, is never home, or why he never goes to any school functions. I dont want them to go through life thinking this is ok, that this is the way you treat your wife and kids and do the same to thier own families eventually when they grow up because it's not ok. Family should come first, not something made of brick and mortar, not some cheap tart, and not drugs either.
Take care,
Carol~
EDITED TO ADD: My H also doenst like to talk about anything not just the A. He is an avoider as well. It is extremely frustarting not even being able to have a conversation with him...he's too busy or too tired...but those are just excuses. They just dont want to talk because then they would have to face it and they'd rather just not go there. Kindof takes the fun out of their whole day...poor babies!
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Dec 23, 2005 9:48 PM
I know how you feel, Carol. It's got to worse with the kids, because you're also feeling bad for them. They don't have much of a father. I agree that the "too tired, too busy" is just an excuse to avoid having to confront their own "demons". My husband doesn't want to have to look too closely at himself. I don't have any advice I can only commiserate.
