Some might be expecting that time heals all wounds, and that recovery will follow a linear timeline. My own recovery has been anything but linear, more like spiraling concentric circles.
D Day for me was many years ago, when the woman who is now my wife of 29 years had been carrying on an intense 2 year sporadic affair, & then went on to screw 3 more men (including my good "friend") within weeks AFTER D Day. She "apologised", SEEMED truly remorseful afterwards for a bit, & I bought the package, again not looking beyond the pretty wrapper.
Until fairly recently I still had been making discoveries about about all of these ancient betrayals! Finding old letters, journals, audio tapes, driving past her cheating sites daily, etc. Each new discovery or trigger brought a "mini D Day" with it, and the impact of each still hurt like hell. When our house burnt to the ground in 2004, part of me was actually relieved that any tokens from her past cheating burned with it.....
I don't know how we have managed to stay together all this time. I can't say our marriage is totally loveless, but there is an element of unresolved pain, anger, and even distrust on my part (even though I doubt she will ever cheat again). Marriage counseling did more harm than good, with therapists who obviously had no clue about betrayal issues. Until 2004, we still argued about her obvious lack of remorse, shown in such statements as, "I had the right to form a soul connection with whomever I wished." (BARF) Now that I never bring it up, there is "peace" in our relationship, but my deepest feelings for her remain crushed and stultified.
Once the betrayer has apologized & expressed & demonstrated remorse, this may or may not hold true for all time. Betrayers' feelings, as with all of us, can shift over time. Years from now, when you look back over the whole gut-wrenching scenario of what you were put through, you may discover to your chagrin that the betrayer has rewritten history in their mind, and is wistfully recalling their illicit sexual liasions, and is anything but sorry in their heart that they happened.
I am learning to not allow my serenity to depend on this situation over which I have no control (Geez, I'm a slow learner!). But let's face it, when the person you are with justifies their cheating, it just plain old SUCKS!
I would love to read posts from others who stayed in the relationship with unremorseful betrayers long term & find out what works for you!
Well Blue, as you know, I am still working on it. My d-day was 18 months ago, not long term by any means. But it is pure hell living with an unremorseful spouse even this long.
Yep, mine is addicted to pot, which is going to seem to be the real downfall of the marriage. Maybe your wife is/was addicted to A's. It is possible! Just a thought. In which case you would have to look at it like a disease...she couldnt help herself...she's sick.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for,
Carol~
