Two + years. Maybe I'm being hard on myself...but after 2+ years, I am not healing.
I am still an angry, cold person.
Before and after d-days...being 'with' him was all I wanted; now I can't. Once a week we are intimate and he's beginning to complain.
I don't feel a connection to him anymore. I believe that the wall I put up to protect myself, has now solidified and it's going to take a lot of work to knock it down. I did it out of self preservation and I know he wants me to tear it down, but I don't. I'm still so afraid.
After our last argument he offered to look for a job...I actually laughed at him. Look for another job? He said he'd do that last year, did nothing then looked me dead in the eye 2 months after the offer and said he wouldn't do it, didn't care if it bothered me, understood it wasn't what he should do but, oh well. So, why would I ask for it now?!
I'm in IC again; 3 weeks since my last appointment - too long. There are so many things I want/need to work on with my C...who knows where to begin. When you go in, sit down, and cry before you speak, you know you are wound too tight.
There are so many relationship issues in my life right now. My marriage, my parents, my friends and my friends and their spouses. The only relationship that I feel is good and healthy is the one with my kids. I find peace, love and happiness in them.
My H said that he has no where in his life that feels good. Work is bad, marriage is bad...he can't even feel peace with the kids. He won't talk to a C, he won't talk to anyone. I have suggested, but I can't make him do anything.
I know I whine a lot about this...but I don't FEEL progress. My marriage is in the same place, my lack of healing is in the same place...nothing has changed.
Sometimes I just want to walk out the door.
This message has been edited by deedeemommy on Jan 31, 2006 10:46 AM
Re read your own words. All the answers you seek are there. You wrote so accurately all that is true in your life.
Step one in healing is looking at the truth. You ARE doing that. Counseling needs to be on a regular basis so that you can get the poison out. I went once a week for three years. I now go once or twice a year if needed.
In the meantime writing here is the best thing you can do for yourself. You are NOT responsible for your H. He is responsible for his choices, and healings. If he is not happy anywhere just ask him what he plans to do about it. You are doing and that is what needs to be to heal.
Please Denise keep writing pour it all out. I wrote here MANY times a day and that was only about ME !!! I was a total basket case. It really bothers me when people who hurt don't take advantage of the friendships here.. a life boat of people who understand and want to help.
Oh, Denise. My heart hurt for you as I read your post. El has given you alot of sound advice as she has given the same to me. Know that I and many others here love you and care about.
I know that your plate is brimming over with so many issues. Understand that you can only tackle one at a time. Denise, you have to stay in counselling...and it should be more regular than every three weeks at this point.
You have to start to get comfortable in your new, post d-day skin. You have to begin to put the past behind you - but first you have to have a new and improved perspective on the future. It goes back to what everyone says, all of the time - you have to focus on you. That means that your outlook on life will be altered, the way that you interact with your H is altered, the way you interact with your kids is altered, you will have the ability to say 'no' if you need to, you have a new confidence in yourself and in your ability to make decisions for you (and the list could go on). None of these 'alterations' are meant to be negative...they are all meant to empower you.
So maybe your marriage will work out - maybe not. The important element to getting past this is by empowering yourself to make decisions that you can live with - decisions that are about YOU and what you want. The by-product of that is that you will improve your relationship with your H (even if you do end up apart). You will be able to see him as he is. You will be able to respect him. You will stop looking for him to 'prove' something to you. He will never be able to prove enough to you while you feel this way Denise.
I realize the job issue is a biggie - and for valid reasons. But (while you're still in this frame of mind) do you think that switching jobs will make you feel any better? What if a new job means he has to work with other women (maybe women that intimidate you)...then what? That is why you need to focus on you. Build your confidence so that (regardless of the situation) you can overcome your concerns without all roads leading back to the fact that your H had an affair.
If your marriage survives this, then your H has a responsibility to support you through your concerns and keep communicating with you. But I think you have to get your head to a better 'place' before you start relying on your H for support.
I think of you so often Denise...and I (like the others) want to see you get through this. We are all here for you .
Kara
This message has been edited by KJR2 on Jan 31, 2006 4:43 PM This message has been edited by KJR2 on Jan 31, 2006 4:42 PM
I have nothing to add to what has already been said except stop beating yourself up over this. You will heal when you are ready to heal and it can't be rushed as much as you want to get this stage in your life over with.
I am sorry we haven't connected lately to talk. I hope we can soon.......sending you huge hugs from Canada......
Listen to El and listen to me. (Your 2 cyber MOTHERS). and all the rest of the poeple who love you here on Healing Hearts
...keep posting and seek MC on a weekly basis...
Denise healing is so hard and closing your heart is hurting you so much...have you considered doing a Retrouvaille weekend? that may be a help for you...I know that AMI did one and others have done the same ...you may find the answers you are seeking there.
I really want to be able to offer some sage words of advice and encouragement. Unfortunately I can't honestly think of any - I am too wound up in my own crap. Everyone else has expressed good things. So I am just going to say that I feel for you! Keep going to counselling as much as you can.
Hey, Denise. Was thinking about you this morning and hoping that you are okay? Don't let the anger and bitterness eat you alive. It is not fair to you or your darling children. Choose what you want and put it into practic.
I went to IC today and it was good.
I walked out of his office feeling a bit empowered, feeling positive, feeling that I can do this. I wish I could go there every 3 days to get that feeling and keep it going!
El and Pat: my cyber moms. You two ladies have so much wisdom, so much love, so much caring for us here, I wish I could see you in person and just squeeze you for all that you give to us here.
I'm trying to post more El..it's so hard for me to open up in posts, I seem to do better in chat...LOL!
Kara: I DO need to find a way to fit into my new skin. I do need to find a way to move away from the past and find a future. THAT is something I am struggling with. Add that to the list with my C. We are addressing the issue of 'what does Denise want' and that I am consistently worried about what my H wants, what my friends want....how are they feeling about me...always worrying about what other people think. Once I build up some self esteem, utilize some of the tools he and I discussed, maybe I can feel comfortable in making decisions that are for me. Me!
His job is not an issue anymore. I gave that up long ago. I asked for a job change for 2 years and he refused. He no longer has contact with OW and I truly gave it all up this past summer. I understood that it was something that I couldn't control, change or do anything about, he had control over it and made his choice. When he told me that he knew it would hurt me, but he was refusing to consider changing, I knew where I stood.
Hattie, Kim, Jo, Cheri and Dave....((((((((Big hugs))))))
I will try to post more...let it out instead of bottling it up.
Dee - You sound better today...and I'm sure your IC appointment helped! I think you'll find that once you begin to feel more empowered by focusing on your wants and needs...many other things will fall into place (especially with your H).
I know exactly what you are feeling Dee...although I'm managing to slowly move beyond it - the emotions you are feeling are still 'fresh' in my mind. It's not a fun place to be. You are in constant battle with yourself: you want to feel 'better', you have done alot of work to feel 'better' - but you don't feel 'better'. In fact (somedays) you feel worse....you feel hopeless.
But there is hope Dee...and never lose sight of that. You want things to get better - and they will get better...but you have to rediscover yourself first. By going to IC and by opening up to us here....you will get there - you have tons of support !!!
Lots of love
Kara
This message has been edited by KJR2 on Feb 1, 2006 5:48 PM
I did not have time to respond to you yesterday but my heart was breaking when I read your post because I understand your pain and frustration. I am glad that everyone has given you such great advice and that IC made you feel much better today. I have to say that my new C is really getting through to me too. We will get through this Denise, you and I, we really will
I'm thankful the counselor was helpful and you are feeling some better about your situation.
I know sometimes it just seems like nothing changes for the better or else the positive changes are so small as to be almost imperceptable. But the thing is, change will come, and as long as you are making the effort; those changes can be of a positive nature. I know I've shared this with you before, but in my own case it was about the third year before things started to come together in a way that I could "get on" with life. That's not to say anyone else's experience might be as mine has been, but if it helps you any to know...I was still with my wife during year two only because of the kids. Ancient history now, for which I'm thankful.
Remember, whatever direction the future takes, you are literally the only person you can change, because change (especially improvement) seems to only happen from the inside-out as we allow ourselves to move in that direction. One day at a time Denise, one small step at a time will eventually get us where we want to go. In my case the walk became a crawl a few times, but I still got there. So will you...
First of all you say it is so hard for you to open up in posts. I apologize. I never considered that possibility. For me it is too easy!! I just write and never re read! I write exactly what I feel, and since I wear my sleeve on my heart I never realized it could be hard for anyone.
Which brings me to my point. It is different for each of us. You are not responsible for your husband. You can only control you.
Please dear Denise, figure out where and how you can get the best help for YOU. For me it was this board and therapy and reading and writing. My real life friends were of little help. They had no clue. One dear friend held me and went with me where ever I needed to go to make sure I stayed out of trouble. However, her words were not what I needed. This board gave me the healing words. That is why I encourage you to share. We understand.
As for your husband he has NO clue. He could not imagne the destruction he has done to his family. My h who is NOT emotional. Cried when I read him posts from here. He once tried to write here but not being a writer that disaster ended quickly.
Your h has to figure out where he can get the help he needs. Has he read any of the books?
Denise, you have been trying to heal your marraige without too much cooperation. You need to focus on healing YOU. Your husnand has to figure out all that he has to loose and then fight to earn your heart again. Counseling if it is the right counselor is the same as going to a doctor when your life is in jepordy. Would you hesitate???
I am so glad Pat and I are your cyber Mommies! To be put into the same category as Pat is an honor. She is an incredible woman and I adore her. We want the best for our child dear Denise.
Do you read dearpeggy every week???? Which of the books have you read? Sometimes we need to be reminded of just what we have to do to heal.
The point you have reached is normal Denise. Mmmh we say that a lot around here! The reason is cause no one talks about healing in the outside world. No one knows what normal is for Post Traumatic Stress. WE DO.. that is why writing and reading here is so healing. As Mike so powerfully writes it was year three when life started to come back together. That is cause year one is survival. Year two is about realizing you have been through hell and back and year three is the start of acceptance of what is..
Read Dave Subster's post on Open. He is just ahead of you and you can see the life coming back to his body. He is playing with his new toys and learning to laugh and love again. Dearest Denise it takes time.. so much time. However, as I sit here at five plus I realize what it took to heal. It was not just time but HARD work. Let's talk my friend about what you have done and how we can help make it better.
You are on the right track, but now I want you to put Denise first. The love you have has got to be selfish for a time and spent on you first.
El is so very, very right. I have come to terms with the fact that I am in this healing business alone, without my H. Yes, HE is here, but he is not here. I think you know what I am saying...you feel it too, I can tell by your posts. Going to IC is the best thing you can do for yourself right now, and you are doing that. It takes much longer to heal by yourself so dont be so hard on you. I am 19 months past d-day and feel so much of what you are saying. And there is no progress in my marriage but there is progress in my healing because I am learning to take care of me...mentally and physically...meeting my own needs and depending on me, not my WS. Like El said, he doesnt have a clue! Let go of trying to make him get it. He has to get it on his own. And that is something that I have had to do too, and it is very difficult, I know. Without letting go of that it is very hard to concentrate on healing yourself. And even if he doesnt get it, you will get better
Also like El, I adore Pat. Listen to these two incrediable ladies. They know what they're talking about. Hang in there sweetie!
Carol~
EDITED TO ADD: Kara, you are just getting wiser by the minute there lady! I am so impressed with your porgress. You go girl!
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Feb 3, 2006 9:53 AM
I had the ability on Friday to meet with a friend of mine, Christian woman, who knew that there were issues in the marriage but not what they were. We talked for a while, and I shared with her how empty my heart and my soul were. She was wonderful to talk to. She had the ability to see things from the outside, to give me the perspective from a Christian woman, and to just pray with me. I haven't been able to pray with anyone about this in so long, I was crying.
She has agreed to help me to get back on the spiritual path that I am needing. I have put my kids first for so long, that God has gone on the side. My soul is empty, I need Him back. We are going to meet every other week or so, to pray, read, talk, and she is willing to take me on as a challenge.
So, I go to counseling every other week, I meet with her every other week or so, I think I am beginning to get myself back on a path that I may be able to navigate. Or at least, stop that annoying spinning at that fork in the road.
El and Pat~~I don't know if you ladies know how important you are to me. I even shared with my counselor about my cyber mom's. Carol, Kara, Mike and everyone else, thank you for all the love and support from all of you.
Hugs to all!
I am so happy that you have found another source of support for yourself . Looking to your spirituality to feed your hungry soul sounds like it is exactly what you need! This is what it means to focus on you. You need to find yourself again...you have to embrace who you are and what you've been through. As a result, you will learn alot about yourself and you will begin to get comfortable in your new skin. With that will come a sense of inner peace. But you need help with that right now...and having us ...having your IC and having your friend help you to rediscover your spirituality will get you there Dee.
Keep this up...this is a hurdle that you can clear...I know you can !!
Kara
P.S. Me?...Growing?...Unfortunately, feeling content also leads to eating alot of winter-comfort-food...so the growing is also on the outside LOL !! And Len keeps topping up my glass of shiraz - sheesh !! Lunge baby lunge - ugh!!
This message has been edited by KJR2 on Feb 7, 2006 11:55 AM
My C has said the same to me. You put your H and your kids first ALL OF THE TIME. That's OK to do some of the time, but you have to remember to take of you too. He asked me to commit to 5 minutes a day. Yeah, I can spare 5 minutes to spend with Carol and to take care of her inner child. She is worth it
That is wonderful that you were able open up to your friend. I pray that she will be a blessing to you in your recovery.
My wife has such a friend, who has helped her tremendously. Her friend attends my wife's counseling sessions. Since my wife is the WS, this is helpful in many ways.
I am so happy that you have found a positive friend who will help you focus on yourself and your spiritual self...
One of things I have done is buy the little books that make you feel good...at Hallmark Stores or Barnes and Noble...the peter pauper books ie...Believe in Yourself....with little wisdoms..such as,
"Faith is the cornerstone on which all great lives are built."
"The answers will come if you are there to greet them"...
If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time"
these little phrases and lots of others have helped me...
Read The Four Agreements...by Don Miguel Ruiz I then found flash cards with small quotes that are beside my bed to read at night...so many things can help you...You have to find what works for you.
.
!! And Len keeps topping up my glass of shiraz - sheesh