I just found this site and would love some advice from you wise people here. My story: 18 months ago I found a 'suspicious text' from my husband's co-worker. It took a further 8 months of absolute hell for me to realise that he had been having an EA with her for over 2 years and that it had been sexual for a period.

I was devastated. Never in my worst nightmares did I dream that he was capable of doing this to me. Like most WS he continued the lying for a few months and continued to contact her after I asked him not to. To say that he nearly destroyed me is not an exaggeration.

The sitation now is that he hasn't contacted her (outside professional necessity) for over a year but they still work in the same place. I believe it is over. He has been open and has always maintained that he never even considered leaving.

I do not want to get divorced. In fact, it's the last thing I ever wanted, coming from a broken home myself. I wanted my children to grow up in a family. But the truth is that I don't know if I can get over this, as much as I want to. I feel like I never really knew him before and now I do. I know I would never trust him again properly.

Before all this happened we got on well and we still do. We just don't sleep in the same room, touch each other or act like a couple. This is my wish, not his. I don't feel safe around him anymore.

I know this ridiculous situation cannot go on forever but I have no real motivation to get divorced and upset the children either. They are very happy now that we don't argue anymore.

I am scared of making a mistake but I suppose if I'm honest I think affairs are a deal-breaker. I don't think I could spend the rest of my life with someone who I know has been with someone else and who has caused me so much pain.BUt I don't hate him so much that I need him to move out. To be honest I feel dead inside.

Is there anyone out there who has ever recovered from an affair? Is there anyone who is in my position? Anyone who moved on and feels better for it?

I don't know how to handle this. Please help.

Bela

Your post has touched my heart so deeply. Five years ago I was where you were. I was very much in love with my husband ( now married 35 years) and would have staked my CHILDREN"S LIVES that he would NEVER CONSIDER BEING UNFAITHFUL.

Well here I am! I have learned so much. You are in wonderful company here. Please read helpful links on the left. Read dearpeggy.com and write constantly.

If you can go over to Open chat right now I will wait for you for a few minutes so we can talk.

This is an incredible place where you will make friends who will literally feel like Angels.

Love,
El

(((((Bela)))))

I'm so glad that you found us.  It is a long, tough road to recovery and it is so unbelievably comforting to connect with people who have been in your shoes.

I can totally relate to your post...especially where you said <<But the truth is that I don't know if I can get over this, as much as I want to. I feel like I never really knew him before and now I do. I know I would never trust him again properly.>>

I am almost 2 years away from d-day.  From day one, I believed that there was no way that I could get past his affair.  My H was the BS in his first marriage (his wife left him for OM)...and since he knew how painful it was to be cheated on - I could not understand how he could turn around and cheat on me.  After d-day, I had myself convinced that I had been married to a 'stranger'...and now I was seeing the 'real' him - a lying, cheating, piece of sh!t.  Trust?  Absolutely not.

It has taken 2 years, lots of posting on this site, tons of reading about affairs, individual counselling and marriage counselling for me to see things differently.

Our spouses are not strangers to us.  They are men who lost their way.  They are men who have been struggling (perhaps all of their lives) with issues that they have not been able to rise above.  Instead of facing their inner demons, they run away from them - even if it means making choices that give them a temporary high (yet can potentially destroy everything that they love.)  If they are truly remorseful, they will seek help in overcoming their issues and become stronger, more confident people.

Don't worry about trust yet.  You won't trust him...and that's okay.  Once you learn more about affairs and affair recovery, you will redefine 'trust' in a far more realistic way.

Yes Bela...you can recover from this.  It is a long journey and it requires much patience (and a lot of introspection).  I am beginning to respect (instead of resent) all that I have had to go through to get to where I am today.  I still struggle some days....but I am in a much better place.

All the best..and keep posting .

Kara

Bela:

>Has anyone truly survived an affair?

I assume you mean marriages, and yes many have, but there are many different "ways" to survive.

1) A marriage that is legally intact, but emotional non-existant
2) A marriage that is legally intact, and occasionaly emotional worthwhile
3) A marriage that is legally intact, and often emotionally satisifying.
4) A marriage that is legally intact, and usually emotionally satisifying.
5) A marriage this is fully restored.

Most of the people on this site are some place in this spectrum. Some would rate a 4 or 5, others are more like a 1 or 2. We are all survivors at this point, even if survival is marginal.

I pretty sure you're interested to know how often people reach the 4 or 5 level. I think they reach that point very often, and from what I can see a lot depends on the the behavior of both spouses after the affair is revealed.

The wayward spouse must take responsiblity for the behavior that led to the affair. They must find the fundemental character issues in them that allowed them to act in such an unselfish manner. Once they are found, they must act to overcome them. In addition they need to support their betrayed spouse and work to rebuild intimacy with them. It is a process that takes a lot of time, discipline and effort. I have found that it is a major undertaking for a wayward spouse who takes this seriously, but it is something that can be done.

The betrayed spouse must find a way to work through their pain and eventually forgive their spouse. One thing that I have found is that both betrayed and wayward want to find ways to "excuse" the wayward spouse rather than forgive. Excuses are sought to enable the excusing, and some excuses can be quite elaborite. Excusing ultimately leaves the matter unresolved for the betrayed because there simply is no excuse for infidelity, no more than there is for premeditated murder. I've found that the only thing that doesn't leave me angry is forgiveness, meaning disciplining myself to give up my anger over her affair, whenever that anger comes to mind.

When both spouses work together toward reconcilation, and work together through the pain of the affair, supporting each other as necessary, eventually a "level 5" recovery can be obtained. As I said it isn't easy for either one, but neither is true love in the first place.

TomJ

I want to have my marriage stand up and be counted as one of those successful reconciliation.

It is very possible, there is hope

Ami

I am with Ami. I want the same for my marriage.

Thank you all - your messages really touched me. But I am still struggling so much. At the moment all I really want is to have a life free from stress and pain. Before I met my husband I lived with another man for six years who cheated on me, I think on and off for years. I could never find enough proof. I told my husband all of this and I cannot believe that he would choose to do the same thing exactly.

I am so tired and jaded. I have felt alone in my life before but never so alone as now. I am starting to think that relationships only cause pain. The only time I feel real love is with my children.

Enough of that. I need some real advice instead of being stuck in a cesspit of despair. How can he be the person I thought he was? I thought he would never hurt me. He did things I would never have believed. He started pursuing this woman when I was pregnant with our second child. I was so happy - I had the family I had craved for all my life and it all feels like a sham now. I nearly died giving birth to our second child and that wasn't enough to stop him in his tracks. I wonder now what would have been enough for him.

I am so angry about so many things still. He told me that when he was seeing the OW that they had a 'pact' that each would sort out their own lives if they got caught. He got caught - she didn't and she continues to live with her husband as if nothing ever happened. I wanted so many times to expose her but my husband persuaded me not to. Because of her children he said. He thinks that no-one else knows about his affair but in fact, all my friends do and some of my family. I think that not having to face up to it to anyone apart from me means that he hasn't really faced up to what he did. Has anyone else experienced this?

How could I ever trust him again? With my ex I constantly went through his pockets, his email etc. I never wanted to live like that again. Now I am doing exactly that. I hate it but if I had bothered to be a bit more suspicious to begin with, perhaps things would never have progressed as far as they did.

I am filled with so much resentment too. When he was in full swing with his sexual bit, I was still ill from childbirth, at home with two children and trying to meet deadlines that I had for work. I was dead! And he told me he was working and couldn't help me when he was seeing her.

I am sorry that this a rant. This is how I feel inside. I am so tired of being taken for a fool.

I have now admitted to my family that I want to separate and told them why. He doesn't know this yet. This is the furthest step I have ever taken. I just want to have some control over my life and have some respect for myself.

I don't really want to have a relationship ever again. All I want to do is protect my children. It's so hard. They love their dad and not seeing him will kill them so I just feel so stuck. I feel like it's a choice between their happiness and mine. I would gladly give it all over to them but I really don't like the person that I am around him.

It's taken me around 20 years to become a secure individual and that has all been blown out of the water again. Why is just loving someone such a vulnerable place to be?

Bela

Bela, your last post reminded me of my own H's affair. I was only 3 months pregnant and my H began to pursue a "friendship" with a coworker. This so called friendship definitely crossed the boundaries (flirting, sexual banter, cute little code words, winks, etc.). He said that he felt overlooked and along comes this woman who gave him the attention and validation and had no problems letting him know that she was interested in him. Well, the long and short of it is they ended up at her house having sex one day. That was one week after I had just given birth to his daughters. One week. I sat there in the restuarant with my post-pregnancy body listening to my H tell me that he had been with this coworker over lunch that day and he was sick about. I too have been driven to search every single inch of our property whether house, car, computer, cell phone, drawers, whatever. Also, it has been a thorn in my flesh that she goes home every night to her husband and daughter and "enjoys" her life. The day after they had sex my H went to the OW and apologized and even wanted to go to her H and apologize for touching his wife, but she said that she didn't feel like they (my H and her) did anything wrong and that her H didn't need to know. I have had days where I just thought of all the ways that I could have her suffer right alongside of me. But, my H and I have agreed to NC at all. Also, I don't want the vindictivness to eat away at me (even though some of my "revenge" ideas have been creative). A word of advice from one mother of babies to another....your child(ren) needs you. I lost sight of that after my H's confession. I am just now seeing that just fulfilling their physical needs is not enough. And, the nice thing is is that my children love me without thought and without conditions. I can be an emotional lunatic one day and be in great spirits the next day and they still love me. That is something to hold onto.

Bela said: "she goes home every night to her husband and daughter and "enjoys" her life. The day after they had sex my H went to the OW and apologized and even wanted to go to her H and apologize for touching his wife, but she said that she didn't feel like they (my H and her) did anything wrong and that her H didn't need to know. I have had days where I just thought of all the ways that I could have her suffer right alongside of me. But, my H and I have agreed to NC at all. Also, I don't want the vindictivness to eat away at me (even though some of my "revenge" ideas have been creative). A word of advice from one mother of babies to another....your child(ren) needs you. I lost sight of that after my H's confession. I am just now seeing that just fulfilling their physical needs is not enough. And, the nice thing is is that my children love me without thought and without conditions. I can be an emotional lunatic one day and be in great spirits the next day and they still love me. That is something to hold onto."

Bela.....I told the OW's husband what was going on....he had an idea, as he had hired a Private Investigator, altho he had NO idea about MY H...just that there was more than one....He THANKED me for setting his suspicions to rest, as it had been driving him CRAZY for a LONG time...the poor guy just needed some confirmation...

To make a long story short, it didn't make me very popular with my H, nor his OW, nor all her friends...but I felt that HER H needed to know just what kind of wife he was living with, just as I needed to know, but no one told me, what kind of H I was living with...

The OW's H put her on a short leash....

I also told my H....if we ever DO divorce, I will let the OW's H know...so he will know my H is on the prowl again...

I feel that, TRUTH HAS to become EVIDENT...

After that, there was, is, no contact...I have nothing to say to HER, and I don't care WHAT happened/happens to her...she didn't care about ME, I don't care about her. Period.

My H was infuriated about this, as he was still in contact....but, too bad. Because of his repeated affiliation with her, it just confirmed my feelings that HER H, and I needed some kind of clarification of what was going on, as THEY sure weren't going to tell us!!

Revenge? No, I see it as LIGHTING up LIES and forcing people to tell the truth...

This may not work for everyone, but it worked for me.

My H kept in contact WAY over the limits...

But that is HIS problem, now, not MINE...

And the OW had to pay a PRICE...NOT from ME, but from her cheated on HUSBAND and her TWO CHILDREN....there was a confrontation, and ALL suffered. I figured, why should I be the only one to pay the price for THEIR mistakes?

I may seem harsh and mean...and that's what my H said about me to the OW and her cronies...and, of course, they all agreed, altho most of them had been having illicit affairs with men at work, and THEIR wives had either found out, and been devastated, or were still in the dark...and of course, all the OW's cronies were LAUGHING about this...

But, you know what?? THEY were harsh and mean...they tried to destroy me, they tried to annhilate me....

If someone robbed a bank, and YOU KNEW about it, would you not feel obligated to tell?

It's up to each individual...circumstances are different....but, in MY case....they were out to totally devastate me...which, they did...but I got one last lick in....

And I will never regret it...

Just my take on things....Hugs, Cheri

P.S. When a person commits a heinous crime, does not the "Justice" system demand RETRIBUTION? Does not the criminal/s have to PAY for what they did to the victim and the victim's family????

Then, WHY, WHY????....does not the WS get away with it all? It's not fair.

Well, when they all cross over, they have to answer to a Higher Power, so if they don't get paybacks NOW, they WILL...

All I can do is surrender my pain to the Higher Power, now, and ask for Retribution...


All I know is that, by exposing HER and my H's illicit affair....I was not the ONLY one having to pay for their crime...SHE had to pay, too.....that's what she gets for screwing my H, for screwing ME, and for causing such pain and anguish in her H's life and her children's life....SHE (and my H) CHOSE to do this kind of destruction...I DID NOT...

Oh, I'll take a beating on these boards for THIS one...I'm sure...

Hugs, Cheri

Oh, P.S.....my H and I are still together...
still working on it...some days I think it's gonna work, somedays I don't. It's been one and a half years since the first d day, and 8 months since the big one...

AND, I guess what I'm trying to say is:

REVENGE is NOT the goal....SHEDDING LIGHT ON LIES, REVEALING THE TRUTH ....IS THE GOAL...

We need to make it apparent, that, as a society, we do NOT uphold breaking of vows...

Television be as it may....societal mores...whatever....SOMETHING needs to stop this crazy train....and TRUTH seems to be the ONLY ANSWER...

eh?

Hey Cheri, I'm not going to beat on you for that. I'll let the others do it and say that I agree with you both. I have learned that there is a time to say something and a time to keep your mouth shut.

But I agree that something must be done. I personally would like to see some kind of 'awareness bomb' drop on society as a whole.

But I sure haven't figured out how to do it yet.

Teri

Cheri,

As BS, as PEOPLE, we don't always make the best decisions, and sometimes in hindsight, we wish we had made different choices, but each choice results in a different outcome. Considering the pain your WS's actions were causing you and his refusal to come clean, it is no wonder that you felt the need to confront the OW's husband with what you knew. It sounds like he already had strong suspicions, so I doubt you told him something he didn't already believe to be true, just the identity of one of the players. I'm not throwing stones at you. YOU are not the one who had the A. You are the one who was doing everything possible to try to salvage your marriage. We BS grasp at any and every straw in our path to keep from falling into the pit of hopelessness.

Gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Edited by ff for comprehension error. (I wrote it and immediately went to bed--tired!)

Hi Bela,

Sorry you find yourself here in all this pain. I have not beenable to be around here recently that much, but the people here have helped me so much...I know they will help you too..

One of the most important things that I have learned about affairs from the people here is that they often have more to do with the WS running from reality that he/she can't deal with than any true "love" for the OP. Under this assumption, isn't it logical that your H was into it while you were having such a hard time? He was using the A to escape the hard realities of life and commitment and working through problems...it's an escape valve....they get to go out and party with the OP and forget their problems and their failures and feel like they are the great people/lovers/sex symbols that the OPs say they are...Also, I have read that As during and right after pregnancy are really common...the man feels second fiddle to the baby/wife/pregnancy and goes to escape those feelings too...

Not to justify it...It is wrong. I am just trying to tell you that this is often what happens.

I have been one of the lucky ones in that my H has been in counseling and working hard to realize what he did. He now sees it as immature and shameful. He does not want to be that person today. Today he puts the commitment to me and our family ahead of his urge to escape negative feelings...He realizes that the ego-boost of the A was false...

My H and I are almost 2 years out past d-day...We have some real shining moments in our marriage, though they are still twinged with my insecurities,his shame,and both of our sadness...but we are doing better all the time...I actually had a 2 week period in Januray where I really felt like I had completely gotten past it...well, to be honest, the pain got triggered again by impending Valentine's Day (he spent it with her the year they were together)...but still we are working through it and are doing better all the time....

Thank you to you all for responding. I am so glad that I found this place. Hattie - my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine coping with a revelation like that after just having given birth. On the other hand, I have to give your husband some credit for having the decency to tell you. I always think that WS who admit their guilt are somehow better than those who just stop when they get caught (from my own bitter point of view). You are so right that your children need you. I have seen what it has done to my kids when i've been at the end of my tether. Thankfully, I am just angry now, I am no longer completely destroyed by it. It took counselling and the help of a lot of friends for me to get there though.

Cheri - I hear where you are coming from. I also believe that having things out in the open can dispel some of the secrecy of the affair. And I also believe that WS don't really appreciate the seriousness of what they have done until they see how if affects everyone involved.

At the moment I am not sure. Part of me knows that I want to tell the OW's husband purely out of revenge and I am not sure if I want to live with that afterwards. I am pretty sure that her husband would just kick her right out and I would have to live with the fact that I have been part of ruining some children's lives. I too have thought of many creative forms of revenge but I don't think that thinking like that is healthy.

Marie - your words really made me think.I see my husband as quite a weak person. He has always had big plans that never quite worked out and the affair hit its peak at a time when everything was going right for me career-wise, although it was nearly killing me. Part of me thinks that he felt inadequate.

I am a little calmer today and I have made the decision (once more!) to keep on trying. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to me.

Bela

Bela wrote:

<<everything was going right for me career-wise, although it was nearly killing me. Part of me thinks that he felt inadequate>>

Don't doubt it Bela...A lot of the books say that feeling inadequate is one of the prime motivators to have an A...and it certainly was in my Hs case...

He was feeling like a loser in his career at a time when mine was taking off...He used the A to feel like a big man at a time he really didn't believe he was one....

My H now sees his A as all running - running from negative feelings and running to false ego-building...

Bela said: "Cheri - I hear where you are coming from. I also believe that having things out in the open can dispel some of the secrecy of the affair. And I also believe that WS don't really appreciate the seriousness of what they have done until they see how if affects everyone involved."

I SOOOO agree, Bela! At first, I wanted to get revenge...but I bit my tongue, bided my time, held my temper in check (well, somewhat...LOL)...I didn't want to come out of a place of revenge...

What turned the tide for me was when my 27 year old son said: "Mama: wouldn't YOU have wanted to know? - he (the OW's H) needs to know...I would want to know...and YOU would have benefited if YOU had known"...

I did NOT want to hurt their children...but I thought about it...did SHE not hurt HER children already??? She was talking MY H into leaving me, all the while, she was NOT planning on "ruining her happy little family" (what she told my H)....

Well, you know what? She ruined MY happy little family....

HER H needed to know. The whole WORLD needs to know....The SECRETS need to be exposed.

I'm not saying it will work in every situation...after all, there ARE innocent lives involved...children, marriages, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, and entire families and friends...the impact of an A reaches FAR beyond the couple involved.

Where do we draw the line? My question is: did THEY draw a line? No. They didn't CARE what consequences their behavior caused to others...

As a society, global or otherwise....we need to STOP the SECRECY....we need to STOP condoning this kind of behavior....

I'm SURE that my H would have thought twice if society as a whole would have CONDEMNED his behavior...but it doesn't, sadly....it confirmed his behavior at every turn...

You name it...Playboy.....pornography....Cosmo mags and their ilk....People magazine, even! The gossip rags, the tattler rags....television shows, movies, we are surrounded with it.

Until this is all exposed to the light, where does Truth and Faithfulness stand?

We ALL are responsible for this state of affairs in today's world's morals...

Every single one of us...what are we going to do about it?

I, for one, will NOT keep a secret a secret.

When enough people suffer the consequences of horrible behavior, it will stop....eh? Maybe, maybe not....I can only hope.

Hugs, Cheri

<<He thinks that no-one else knows about his affair but in fact, all my friends do and some of my family. I think that not having to face up to it to anyone apart from me means that he hasn't really faced up to what he did. Has anyone else experienced this?>>

Some may agree and some may not, but exposing the affair does force the WS to be accountable for their actions.  Keeping secrets,  like Cheri and others have said only reinforces continued secrecy and lies, not only as individulas but as a society as a whole.  A world based on lies is not morally bound.  Lying begats more lies and secrets.  Secrecy is the keeper of lies.  Where does it end?  It only ends when the secrets are exposed and the lies are confronted, and not just within the boundaries of marriage, but within the family and within society.  I see the truth in that now.

So what I am saying is that I feel you have every right to tell the OW's  H of the A if you choose to. Many will say he has a right to know.  And like Cheri said he may already have suspictions and you would only be comfirming them.  Sure it may make things stickier for your H but keeping his secret is helping him to continue to protect the OW from the consequences of her actions and her accountability in the A. It was her choice to cheat just as it was your H's choice to cheat so they need to deal with the problems they caused within their marriages and lives. 

If you want to be totally honest, you would be keeping the A a secret by witholding the truth, which is the same as lying. If you really believe that exposing the A reinforces your H's accountability then the truth of the A needs to be exposed, and that would include the OW's husband having knowledge of the A.  This is just one reason why he has the right to know. Also, who knows if she has slept with other men prior too or after your H, and he has the right to know if he may have been exposed to STD's or AID's.  Just another reason why he has the right to know.

We have debated "the right to know" and telling the OP's spouse many times on this board.  There are pro's and cons, and both sides have good points.  But if you are of the opinion that the truth is what matters here and that others should be accountable for their actions and should have to deal with the consequences of their actions, then the truth should be told and the secrets and lies exposed to the OP's spouse without a doubt.

I think it is ideal if the WS informs the BS of the A, rather than hearing it from some one else.  Give the OW the opportunity to be honest with her H, as they say "The truth shall set you free".  They will have a much better chance of saving their marriage.  But if she cant do, tell her you will (but you have to mean it and follow through with it if necessary). See what happens!  The choice will be hers.

Take Care,

Carol~

BINGO! Carol!

If I had known, even from someone else, what was going on at an earlier stage...I could have made decisions that would have spared me from the horrendous pain of untruth after untruth....lie after lie...

I learned, long time ago, in counseling, that people who do things, like lie, cheat, etc....DEPEND on their actions being kept secret...even, and especially, by their victims.

If it is exposed, it can't happen like they intend. They either have to stop, or take another path. But, at least the "victim" - and their SUPPORT SYSTEM - are WELL AWARE of what is going on, and can defend, help, support, and keep the "victim" safe from further harm at that point.

When LIGHT is applied, TRUTH comes out.....and the situation has to CHANGE.

Yes, Carol, you are correct...think about the others the OW or the OM have been with, without their spouses knowledge....endangering their lives....even endangering their CHILDREN's lives....some STD's out there are not just a life time affliction, they are deadly.

I, for one, never CHOSE to exchange bodily fluids with the OW, but that is EXACTLY what my H did to me, without my knowledge. See?

Well, enough rambling...I just wanted to say BINGO!

AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE

Hugs, Cheri

Oh, P.S. Bela: you said:"At the moment I am not sure. Part of me knows that I want to tell the OW's husband purely out of revenge and I am not sure if I want to live with that afterwards. I am pretty sure that her husband would just kick her right out and I would have to live with the fact that I have been part of ruining some children's lives. I too have thought of many creative forms of revenge but I don't think that thinking like that is healthy."

Bela, if you want to tell, purely out of revenge, it's the wrong motive...and, then, I agree, you should hold your tongue and bide your time.

But, I disagree with people (BS) having to feel guilty for ruining lives, marriages, and children's lives, for just TELLING THE TRUTH.

YOU DID NOTHING, Dear....

And THEY surely did not CARE whose lives THEY were wrecking, did they?

I realize that the WS's have issues...mine surely did/does....and that they were having weak moments, career problems, self esteem issues...whatever....but.....don't we ALL?

They CHOSE to do what they did...no matter the underlying issue....It's our CHOICES throughout life that make the difference.

They thought nothing of ruining other's lives...

I'm not saying this gives BS's an excuse for counteracting.....I'm not talking revenge, for that is a motive that is not acceptable.

I'm only saying that TRUTH is TRUTH....and, if the WS continues lying and cheating, then ALL PARTIES need to be aware of what is going on....so that they may make decisions based on the TRUTH....some which may be life saving.

Am I making any sense? Maybe...to some...maybe not, to others.

I'm not saying to go out and wreak havoc...I'm saying that, we ALL have a role in this mess....

Are we going to stand for keeping secrets?

It's OUR CHOICE.

Hugs, Cheri

Exactly like Cheri said.  I agree. My thoughts on telling the OW's H had nothing to do with revenge either.  Revenge should not be a motivator to tell the truth.  In fact giving the OW the opportunity to tell her H herself is definately not condusive of revenge.

Take Care,

Carol~