Hi everyone,

It has been a long time since I have visited these boards. They really helped me through a few nightmarish years.

My ex spouse had an affair in 1999 and strung me along for a year before he decided to divorce me against my wishes.

I have worked hard to do all the right stuff -- take care of myself, strengthen my other relationships, grieve deeply, forgive -- over and over again.

While I have come a long way and am happily remarried, I still have triggers --especially when I see my adult children.

My greatest source of grief is his poor modeling for our sons in terms of his continued defiant lifestyle. He recently moved in with his girlfriend of 4 years (not the OW, Thank goodness), swears a lot, drinks alot, no longer attends church, and abandoned all of his friends except the ones who remained neutral about his affair.

This is a drastic change from who he used to be -- an elder in our church whose favorite topic to teach on was integrity.

Anyway, I am dealing with several issues. One is feeling like he has suffered so few consequences. He has a high paying job, and everyone, including my kids, act like it is "normal" for him to live with his girlfriend and abandon his former values. He is not the man I married so many years ago.

I don't think it would get to me, except for his influence with our kids.

I worry over my sons. They are very bonded with their dad. They already show signs of having adopted many of his attitudes. They are spiritually neutral and think of him as "married" to this girlfriend. I do not believe in cohabitation -- and neither did our culture until the sexual revolution of the late sixties, early seventies -- as to me it is getting all the benefits without the responsibilities of true commitment. I think of him and his girlfriend as "playing house".

It would break my heart if my boys decided to move in with a girlfriend, because of their father's "permission" by his lifestyle.

While I live a life that embraces the values we raised them with, I have less influence over the boys because their father is their biological father, as their mother died when they were very young. I have raised them from ages 5 and 7, and they call me "mom" but I am still the stepmom.

While I am very happy with my new husband and our life together, the reminders of the loss of an intact family are always with us.

Those of you in struggling marriages after an affair, don't get idealistic ideas that if you got rid of your betrayer, the triggers would all disappear.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I welcome any comments.
~Bay villa Babe (formerly known as JeanBAbe

Hi Bay
your story is so similar to mine...I understand the struggles you still have..

**My ex spouse had an affair in 1999 and strung me along for a year before he decided to divorce me against my wishes.**

I confronted EX in 1999 he denied and continued to lie for years...divorced 2003..he left me for OW and now live together


I have worked hard to do all the right stuff -- take care of myself, strengthen my other relationships, grieve deeply, forgive -- over and over again.***

I am still working on me... I know I can love another man and put my trust in another man, but the first sign of something not right I know my mind will start to go on full guard..I can not afford emotionally to be hurt over and over again....and its sad that I have become this way...suspicious mind, jealousy(that a man would have disrespect for me)not sure if that makes much sense to any of you, I can not have things hidden or kept secret from me, especially if it involves another woman, another woman that I am not told of or know of that relationship..need an open honest relationship so I can trust and believe in him, it comes across as jealousy Im sure, but in my eyes it comes across as respecting me and giving me that security to feel safe..I also have a hard time dealing with people who lie, even the smallest lie gets to me

**While I have come a long way and am happily remarried, I still have triggers --especially when I see my adult children.**

I am so happy for you Babe and your new marriage so sorry that triggers are still with you...I still have them also when it comes to my children and sadly in relationships

**My greatest source of grief is his poor modeling for our sons in terms of his continued defiant lifestyle. He recently moved in with his girlfriend of 4 years (not the OW, Thank goodness), swears a lot, drinks alot, no longer attends church, and abandoned all of his friends except the ones who remained neutral about his affair.**

I was divorced in 2003..Sept 2003 I moved out of the marital home and an hour later Ex and OW moved in ..moved in while my sons at that time where 20 and 16..my sons had no idea that dad was bringing home his girlfriend...it was such a awful day for my sons...one called me crying how painful it was.. EX and OW still live together not married my sons have lost all respect for their father and can't wait to move out..my youngest is much better then he was last year, but continues to feel somewhat lost, my other son(22) last year had his girlfriend move into the house with Ex and OW...made me sick, son said well dad can not say anything about me sleeping with girlfriend, cause he is doing the same thing....sigh...my youngest son sleeps at my home most of the time..I live in a 3 bedroom condo have two of my other young adult children living with me, so youngest sleeps on couch..my oldest son 24 who will graduate from grad school this May plans on moving out, possibly my daughter 21 will be moving also...youngest is looking forward to moving in..I have been dealing with all the aftermath of EX's affair...kids were hurting and with alot of anger they came to me with those issues and it was very hard to handle their issues along with mine, while Ex doesn't have a care in the world....due to his affair I had to find a new job to support myself and leave a job I had for 10years a job that I loved dearly, had to find a place to live and trying to keep my family together...kids are doing better they are becoming closer to each other something that was lost while Ex was cheating, kids started to fight with one another and started to take sides ..their father had tried to turn my kids against me ...but a year later it back fired on Ex kids saw what he had done....it hurts me deeply to feel the pain when my two sons came to me and told me that their dad used them..
my family has been very supportive and I have some great wonderful friends who have been there for me till this day...I still struggle emotionally I am so grateful for family and friends who have put up with my venting...I have lost a few friends due to the dwelling, it sure shows who your true friends are I am so very grateful that they put up with my venting..and so sorry it has become so selfish on my part



**It would break my heart if my boys decided to move in with a girlfriend, because of their father's "permission" by his lifestyle.**

well like I said my son who lives with Ex did just that, but I had a talk with him telling him that he is setting a bad example for his youngest brother, I don't care what dad does, but I do care what you and your brother do..and it hurts me ...so gf moved out, they are still together dating, but now we have somewhat of an understanding...its sad when you tried to raise your kids with morals values...and yes I was overprotected..and due to Ex's affair it hurt me to see what was happening with my kids...thank God all is somewhat good now, nothing like the first few years..I can't believe I have survived with all that was going on...but I have survived, maybe not emotionally(mentally) but I am working on that...

I wish you all the best Bay..you must have one very patient understanding husband..you are so fortunate...I am so happy for you and tell your husband I am proud of him for helping you heal..he's one great guy!!!! to stand by you through all issues

many many hugs
Jo


"God grant me the serenity to accept what I can't change, the courage to change what I can,and the wisdom to know the difference"

Reinhold Niebuhr

Jo,

I really appreciated your ability to understand what it is like to go on without the betraying spouse. Your ex sounds as messed up as mine. You had a lot of kids to be concerned about. Wow.

Yes, my current husband is a doll. His wife cheated on him. He totally understands, although I think I have taken longer in my recovery process.

Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts. Helps me not feel so alone. I also hope that people who remain in painful marriages with the spouse don't glorify what it would be like to leave. We have to work through the pain, whether we stay or go.

I continue to have to "let go" of the injustices and the things that hurt. I figure I will be doing that the rest of my life.

~bayvillababe

JeanBabe

Thanks for stopping by to vent. This is certainly the place for it. I'm sorry that you're still going through some "stuff". I guess given that betrayal is a major life trauma, the ripple effects last a long time before they fully dampen out.

>I also hope that people who remain in painful marriages with the spouse don't glorify what it would be like to leave. We have to work through the pain, whether we stay or go.

I've always believed this, and I guess we see some of it in the struggles of those who are recovering as single people, but it is still hard to get a full appreciation of what these struggles are all about. I guess in your situation gives you a unique perspective on that. I'd be interested to hear some of your thoughts on this. Would you mind elaborating?

TomJ

TomJ,

Well, I think I used to have the ideal notion that if I got into a new and happy relationship, the pain of the past would fade away. It helps to not have continuous contact with my former, unfaithful spouse, as he never stopped rationalizing his behavior and was not willing to do the work to heal the pain between us.

Because I was left with the task of unilateral forgiveness of a non-repentant, self-justifying spouse, I still needed to go through a long recovery process. I had to sort out the truth all by myself, undo the rationalizations all by myself, and try to let go of the anger without any apologies from the offender.

My new husband is a kind and wonderful man and far more loving than my ex, but he cannot be a substitute representative for my former spouse.

So, when my sons talk about their father in warm ways, I still have pain. Or, when my sons attended our wedding, my oldest said, "It seems like everyone at the wedding was on YOUR side, but we (his brother and himself) know BOTH sides (referring to my ex)."

What is sad, is they do not know my side in detail, as I have chosen to protect them from the gory and hurtful details. They know the bare-bones facts -- i.e. that their father got romantically involved with another woman -- but their father has told them a very stilted, incomplete, rationalized version of the story. My version, if they fully grasped it, would devastate them and damage their relationship with their father, which for their sakes, I have chosen not to do.

I guess my point is there are always reminders, I still have to deal with a lying former spouse, and cope with his impact on our children. Just because we divorced, does not mean it took all the pain away. I still have to walk through many of the steps toward healing, that those who choose to stay with an unfaithful spouse must do. Not all the same, but some steps are.

I definitely think it would be worse to stay with a spouse who continues to lie and refuses to engage in the marriage. I would not recommend tolerating that.

But, as awful as it was for me to get over the pain of the affair, my greater pain was over losing his love forever. His total rejection and abandonment of me was even more awful for me to get over than the affair. Does that make sense?

I wish he'd stuck around to witness and accept my pain over his actions. I wish he had shown more care about the damage to my soul. I wish he would have been there to hold me while I sobbed, instead of having to grieve 100% alone (other than with God). I sobbed and wailed for hours and hours for two years after he decided to leave. For me, it was the total loss of my beloved husband that tore me to shreds.

I figure it is easy to think the grass is greener in other circumstances. For me to imagine a spouse who was repentant and stayed may not be as much preferable as I think it would have been.

I also assume, that some betrayed spouses are in so much pain, they think they'd be better off without the unfaithful partner. I only wrote to point out that there is pain both ways.

Thanks for asking.

~bayvillababe