I know that is very important that we both get therapy. I keep reading the post about how important it is. But what do you do when that is not an option. In the type of job my H has we do not get insurance and we can't afford the therapy on our own. The week I found out about his A, we both decided we would need MC so we applied for insurance but have not been accpeted, at least not yet. So what do yo do? I don't know who I could talk to as far as family and friends go, all I have are the boards...
Will we fail in repairing our marriage w/o MC.
I feel I may go crazy with the pain and insecurities but I have no other options other than to post, read, and write...will that be enough?
Certainly MC is helpful in recovery, but that is only if you get the right one. Unfortunately there are a lot of bad therapists out there with antiquated ideas on how to help a couple heal after infidelity. Until you can afford to search for a good therapist, there are other options.
If you have a religious faith, clergy is always an option.
There are also two marriage encounter programs that are listed in the helpful links that will help tremendously. My H and I attended Retrouvaille, there website is
www.retrouvaille.org Compared to the help you receive and the cost of therapist their cost is relatively low.
Go to the
www.DearPeggy.com website and see about a Ban support group in your area. If there is not one, you might want to think about starting one of your own. That is what I did. The group I started met monthly for 2 years and I still keep in occasional touch with the woman of my group.
In addition to what Ami said, there are lots of good books out there to read that will also help. I know they helped me in the first few months after d-day, before I found the boards. I read "Not Just Friends", "The Monogomy Myth", and "After The Affiar". I still have a couple of them lying around...tried to get my H to read them but he wouldnt. If you want them I would gladly mail them to you free of charge. Let me know.
ME - Is Marriage Encounter. It is a marriage enrichment program that lasts for a weekend. A couple is sequestered in a motel with no distractions (kids, jobs, etc.) for a weekend (Friday evening through Sunday morning) to be taught ways to improve emotional intimacy in their marriage. It is sponsored by various religious groups, but is essentially non-religious in nature. The cost is based solely on what you can afford. When we attended, at the end of the weekend we were given an empty envelop and a figure on the cost of the weekend, then sent to our room to give our contribution. We were told to put in no more than we could afford. We were also told that if we could afford more it would go to cover the costs of those who could not afford the whole amount.
My wife and I have used clergy for some counseling. There are those clergy who do nothing but full time counseling, while there are others who lead a church and do counseling on the side. We used both kinds. The ones who do full time counseling and depend on it for their livelihood will usually work out something based of what you can afford.
My wife & I have discussed the affair with a total of eight counselors. Of those, three were full time pastors, two were pastors as full time counselors, and two were non-clergy. Our worst experiences were with the non-clergy, both of whom did individual counseling with my wife. The couples’ counseling that we did was only with clergy, mostly with one who was a full time pastor. He did a good job, but I had one or two problems with him. My wife's best experiences with individual counseling have been with two pastors who are full time counselors. Some of the counseling we received was given without charge.
Most of the books mentioned should be available through your public library. Many libraries will order a book if they don't have it.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Feb 8, 2006 12:19 PM
My H and I applied through our county health department...we have a co-payment to make, which nakes it a bit difficult, but...My H never went to IC or MC....and I went a few times, until they changed their program and the C I was seeing got "canned"...didn't want to have to go through all that again, so didn't go again...maybe I will if they get their program stabilized...?
Anyway...maybe YOUR county health department might be something to look into?
I am 19 months past the first D-day and 6 months past the second. Very early on I went for 2 sessions of IC and then months later my H and I went to the same person together. It didn't really help - he was still in contact with OW and told her he was going to lie to the counsellor, which he did. Even so I felt she was more supportive of him than me. Then after D-day #2 I went to someone else, a psychologist, and he went on his own before I went a second time. This lady was more helpful but in the end I didn't go back a third time - I wasn't getting enough from it to make it worth the money. No doubt I will come to the point again where I need someone to talk to and I'll try again to find someone who actually helps me. But if I don't I think we can get this relationship going wihtout it. So if you can't get to IC or MC (many WS husbands don't want to go to MC and it is a waste of time making them), do what the others have said: read what you can. You can download The Monogamy Myth from the internet. Talk to your H and listen to his answers to your questions. Think, write, use the boards, mull things over, get angry and sad. Remember you are on a rollercoaster and there's always and up to follow the downs.
