In reading "the monogamy myth" it talks about part of the healing proces has to include accpetance. NOt that its ok but this is what happened, I can't change it so now I decide to move on to the futute...but how do I know when I've really accepted it?

How do you accept it? I want to heal so bad...I want to overcome this but I'm having a hard time figuring out how???

Yes, I know this has happened, I know nothing I say or do will change that but it still makes me angry and I still have flashbacks and feelings of complete devestation...I don't understand, no matter how many times I think about getting over it I get frusterated like I'm not doing something right ///

does any of this make sense??

Jk

JK
I think Peggy said it takes two years on average. You'll know acceptance when you reach it, but unlike Peggy, I didn't find as suddenly as she describes in her book. For me I first stopped thinking about the affair constantly, then later I wasn't angry when I thought about some of details of the affair. Later I became less angry with my wife most of the time. It was more of a progression, and it took a lot of time. I had to process the trauma I had been dealt.

Acceptance of an affair is like acceptance of any other major tragedy in life. For example, I think it would take a long time to accept a physical disability, but eventually I hope I would and learn to overcome it. In fact, people who have previously dealt with major tragedy in life before dealing with affair recovery have reported that their experience helped them accept the affair more quickly.

TomJ

Hi JK,

I think all of us wanted to heal as quickly as possible.

After d-day, we don't feel 'normal' any more.  Everything that we believed to be true about our marriage...was not as it seemed.  We were lied to...we were cheated on...we were told we weren't good/attentive/affectionate enough....the list goes on.  And this happened to us by the person that we chose to share the rest of our life with...our spouse.

So...we second guess everything.  After all...we would never have married someone capable of cheating - right?  We second guess everything about our spouse....we second guess ourselves....we wonder whether this was the person we should have married in the first place...we wonder what we could have done differently...another list that could go on and on.

Then we wonder how we could have been so blind.  Why didn't we pick up on the signs that they were cheating?  So many things now begin to make sense:  his odd behaviour...the emotional distance he put between himself and his family....his unexplainable bouts of anger...yep - another list.  Now pieces of the puzzle begin to make sense...and you get angry with yourself because you can't believe that you didn't put two and two together at the time.

Then you wonder how you can even begin to look ahead.

How do you re-plan your future with a cheating spouse?

How do you recapture your hopes and dreams and wishes for your future?

How do you go back to feeling 'normal' again ... but still realize that 'normal' after d-day is not the same as 'normal' before d-day?

How do you forgive?

How do you mourn the loss of your marriage as you knew it?  And then how do you embrace the re-building of this new marriage?

How do you trust?

JK - you're probably wondering, 'What is her point?'  My point is...this is a process.  Every step in this process is one in which you have to wrap your head around and learn to accept something, that you didn't ever imagine you'd have to face.  You will change in this process.  Not who you are....but how you are.  It will change how you interact in your relationship with your spouse and with others...it will change how you enforce your boundaries...it will change how you 'see' things (in a far more realistic way)..and so on.

And as you wade through the process, you will slowly begin to see that you have begun to accept.  And you take that bit of acceptance...you nurture it....and you continue on to your next hurdle...and the process continues.

I used to believe that much of the acceptance comes as a result of having a remorseful spouse who continues to prove himself to you.  While that may be partly true - I see it differently now.  Whether your spouse stays with you or not...you must learn to accept what has happened.  As a result, much of the acceptance comes from within you.  It comes from allowing yourself to hurt ... it comes from allowing yourself to be angry....it comes from allowing yourself to heal....it comes from allowing yourself to accept the changes that this affair will make to you and your life.

Acceptance is something that will happen with you JK.  But you are not 'there' yet.  Keep doing what you are doing...because you are well on your way...but be patient.  You owe yourself the time that it is going to take to get to where you want to be.

Lots of love,

Kara

Kara,

How wonderfully written. You explained is so well. 6 months ago did you ever think you would be able to write this?

(((HUGS))
Ami

 

Thanks Ami !

No, six months ago I was still far too confused to have been able to write this.

I actually went back to my first (LOOOONG) post that I wrote on Healing back in November 2004.  I was exactly the same as JK and many of the other new people who show up here.  I wanted to be 'myself' again.

But I'm liking the 'improved' me !  My eyes have been opened wide to the realities of human nature.  And I find myself handling people and situations in a far more constructive way than I have in the past.

I vowed right from the get-go that I was going to get through this ...and come out a more mature? realistic? person.  I think it's happening...

Kara

Sorry for the threadjack JK!