In two more days, it'll be exactly 6mos since d-day..I "marked" this month thinking that I would have made LOTS of progress w/ healing, but, the Uncertainty of how stable our relationship is going and where it will actually lead to bothers me and can really ruin a day for me when I wake up and that's what starts running through my head. When I ask my H things like, "are you sure you're not communicating w/ her?" He answers stuff like, "I will let you know...whether it's her or anyone else." I'm not gonna cheat anymore, I will let you know. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?! Doesn't he know that makes me feel more insecure than ever! I mean, not even a "What I mean is..." It sends me into a whirlwind of thoughts that he's probably sick of all my insecurity and wanting/yearning to be with him, that he's gonna give up and go ahead and be with the OW and/or look around for someone else. I did "betray" him BEFORE we were married, not to make excuses, but, I was severely depressed, etc..etc..and he totally holds it against me. So, he also says hurtful things implying that I deserve what happened to me because of what I did. Including how he shouldn't have accepted my "excuse" of being depressed, ignored, etc...I keep reminding him that we both were younger, more naive, and didn't realize that we should've went to therapy back then. So, now is now...but, I'm so worried about the future because I'm frustrated that I'm the one feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. I think he is seriously going day by day and is ready to leave me if he has to. Why is he so damn cocky right now and feels as if he's hot s**t! Now he's not like this daily, I mean I've explained about "triggers" and there have been days where he's been fair and answered questions, reassured me etc..but there are also days when he says that he doesnt deserve all this agony and should just leave. To feel this uncertainty on top of all the desparity to keep my relationship is almost unbearable at times. I'm sorry if this post seems redundant! I'm so frazzled!!!

Lori it really does sound like he hasn't truly gotten what he has done. He doesn't understand the depth of the hurt you are feeling, and it sounds like he isn't concerned that much with trying to learn how it makes you feel.

You mention that this is the 6 month mark. I do have to tell you that they say it usually takes about a year just for the BS to get to a point where the affair isn't so raw and life starts to look a bit better and more hopeful. It isn't uncommon for it to take several years however. Recovery isn't on his time table it is on yours. A remorseful spouse understand this!

Have you been to counselling?? If not I highly recommend it for both of you and for each of you individually.

((((((((((((((Lori))))))))))))))

My H started to change about 6 months after d-day, and not for the better, and I too began to walk on eggshells.  And i can tell you from experience it is the pits!  He is the one who did something wrong yet we are the ones kissing their behinds. Seems wrong, I know, and it is.  I think for my H at 6 months past d-day he felt I should be over it because he was tired of the guilt.  The first 6 months he was understanding and seemed remorseful then one day BAM! He announced "I dont know if I can stay in this marriage".  I was completely devestated and so started my desperation and walking on eggshells.  I though my gosh he is abandoning me all over again.  I want to tell you that this is simply a form of manipulation to get you to stop talking about the A because it is too painful for them!  So again, it is all about them!!!!!!  UGH!  It made me so made, but still, I was submissive, didnt talk about the A and just let him do his thing.  Well, I say dont do it!  My H still refuses to talk about the A and the marriage is no further along.  I am 20 months past d-day and have begun to focus on myself.  I blame myself partly because I fell for his manipulation and stopped talking and didnt force any of the issues so nothing got solved.  HE got his peace and quiet and I got nothing! And in the end we both lost.  We are still together but nothing has changed.  And that is not good.  If you cower he will just keep walking around like king $hit...because we are enabling that behavior by not sticking up for ourselves.  I only learned that recently and I hope by sharing what I have learned I can keep some one else from making the same mistake and from continuing the pain.  Because if he really wants to leave, I should have just let him walk out that door...at least it would have been over with.  And had he stayed if I stuck up for myself, then I would have known that he wanted to work things out.  But walking on eggshells causes extreme stress and it gets you nowhere fast!

Sure, they all want us to keep quiet so they dont feel the pain, but they really do need to feel the pain!  A remorseful spouse will eventually realize they need to work through that pain and when they do they will be happy they did, and so will you.  That is when you can finally start healing the marriage.  So I am saying hang in there and stand your ground...stop walking on eggshells if you can.

Take care...........Carol~