Well, I don't know if this is where I belong. Maybe it is more appropriate for me to post here. I posted a couple of times on the one year board and got some very good replies. But maybe this is where I belong.
Anyway, H had an affair, I guess it is an affair. He was out of the house because of his behavior, his actions, etc. I just couldn't live that way. His behavior was all related to the ow situation- or so I believed at the time and still do. So I asked him to leave. H swares that he didn't become involved w/ her until well after he was out of the house. I don't beleive that, but have no proof either way. But she was calling him a lot. He was spending a lot of time in her presence. and he was sleeping in our sons room- and pretty much stopped being a husband to me.
Well, that was in about Nov. of 2004. He was gone for about 7 months. But never stopped contact w/ me. even when I asked him to- I told him for my own sanity I needed to have no contact w/ him. He said he couldn't do that and found reasons to contact me. I really didn't want to have no contact so I also continued. But it got too hard for me.
Now he's been home for about 7 months. Good, bad, down right ugly at times. But really mostly good. I guess all couples have ups and downs.
She is trying to hang on. I think she still tries to contact him. I know she came to our house about a month ago- H told me (about 2 wks after the fact) he was scared that I'd be angry w/ him- but I told him "I know you cannot control her actions. You can only control your actions. I don't have to worry about what she is doing. I have to worry about what you are doing." So he was releived.
I still think that he wants to have some kind of contact w/ her. Like he gets a thrill to know that this young girl wants him. Ahh, but then again I sometimes think that I read way too much into everything. Like I am making contections in my mind about things that I fear.
Oh, btw, he's 43 and I'm 34. We have two children (g/11 and b/8) we've been together almost 14 yrs, and married for 4 yrs.
Now after all of this, I still don't know what is the right thing to do for me, for him, for the kids. I don't know what is best- so I struggle each and everyday trying to do the best I can within the situation I find myself.
Some days are very good. And some are very bad. But I feel like I am at war inside of myself. Wrestling with my convictions of who I always thougth myself to be, and who I always thought my husband to be.
i just want to say that you can post where ever you want...there is not hard and fast rule concerning posting for the BS...you can post on the Open Forum if you feel comfortable...or on Healing Hearts too.
The fears you are having about your beliefs and what your convictions are...are all things that we all have struggled with...there is no black and white rule concerning infidelity...because there are so many factors that play into the decision to stay or leave.
One of the things I have had to look at is that my H is not a bad person, he is a great father, people like him, but that he made a bad decision that was his to own ...I will take some of the blame for marriage issues but not the A's...but the decision to have an A is the selfish decision of the WS...it has nothing to do with the BS...once you see it is all about the WS...that he was missing something that we couldn't give, didn't know what was wrong..or needed....as they realize the depth of pain they caused...they have the ability to fix the problem by understanding why the A happened and dealing with all the aftermath, hurt and pain. by being open and honest... You can have the relationship back, as a different and stronger bond...first because you are working on the relationship as we never did before. you are rebuilding the intimacy...and you will work to keep relationship strong in the future.
Please go to the Open forum and read AMI's post on INTIMACY...there is so much good there to read and build into your relationship...
None of us wanted this but we have put our lives back together...and we are happy...the pain fades as time passes and we are happy that we stayed..but all the healing takes time...and work by both the FWS and the BS.
