I didn't want to threadjack Carol's post about her H wanting the internet at the pizzeria, but I wanted to add my bit about addictions and their effects.
Recently I asked my H to tell me what was the high he got from being with OW, the high that was so exciting and exhilarating that he kept going back to her, even after he recognised that the whole thing could only end in tears and after he was supposedly recommitted to me, and after he knew how badly hurt I was going to be, and after he realised that he didn't love her in the way that he loves me, as a companion, comfort, friend, long term lover, the person he feels right with. I compared his obsession with her to an addiction and pointed out that people who are addicted to chemical substances or gambling often recognise that what they are doing is destructive but they can't stop because they are seeking that high, that buzz.
My H's answer was that I was wrong to see it as seeking a high: in reality it was avoiding a low. When he was with her he felt that he existed, he mattered to someone. When he was apart from her he just felt nothing, so he kept going back to her. This doesn't in any way excuse the A, but it does give a different perspective. Cheri's H said something the same. My H has decided he has a form of bipolar disorder, probably bipolar type II, in which he always feels down/depressed, but had periods of relative high, not the full blown elation or manic depressive illness, because he can be depressed and exhilarated at the same time, and this is the kind of feeling he had with OW: knowing what he was doing was wrong, destructive, ruining his work, family, self-esteem, but still needing that contact with her to escape the worst of his downtimes.
When the outlet of the physical A was closed to him, he kept going with an emotional A, stringing OW along and lying to her about how he and I were interacting, because he couldn't bare to contemplate the hole he would fall into if he didn't have that contact. Then when (after a year) I found out and he really did decide to end it, the hole wasn't nearly as deep as he feared and he survived and was able to get on with our life. So I think a lot of the reason for taking up (or continuing) another addiction after the A is that they are trying to avoid that low, they can't contemplate how bad it is going to be so they look for ways to replace the A. But, as found by my H, their anticipation is much worse than the reality, and if they can face up to that they can break away from the addictions and get beyond it.
This message has been edited by lizmcg on Mar 4, 2006 9:29 PM
I agree for some it can be avoiding a low, especially if you have a disorder like bipolar. They have extreme highs and lows and when they are low it is really bad. My son has a friend who has bipolar so I understand about that.
HOW ADDICTION WORKS:
So you start getting high. The first time cam be because of curiousity or peer pressure. You may enjoy the feeling and continue to use it every now and then. But then you start to crave the feeling to escape reality for some reason. Eventually your body gets used to the drug and you have to do more to get high. This is usually the abuse stage. Then after awhile your body is so used to it you start to feel down when you are not smoking and you are now struggeling to just even get a little buzz. Futher on down the line you cant even get high anymore and you keep smoking just to feel "normal", like you did before you ever started smoking pot. It is now an addiction. And eventually in the final stages of addcition, you get to a point where you are just smoking to make it through the day because without it you cannot function, the low is just too low. Unfortunately this is usually when pot is not enough any longer and you start to seek other highs, such as an A perhaps, or the internet, or even another more powerful drug.
My H got to the final stages and went on to have an A. My C says H has to find something to fill that void too now (the void of the A). Perhaps it will be the internet, his sudden obsession with politics, or maybe he has moved on to harder drugs, I dont really know. But I do know that it doesnt stop for an addict or some one with an addictive personlity ever, like my H. They keep moving on to the next "high" to avoid the inevitable "low". So in a sense an A is like an addiction for many, or any other personality disorder....they either crave the high or are trying to avoid the low...or both.
Oh, Liz...you don't know how I am sitting here, crying, reading your words...they are sooooo true....
You said:
"Cheri's H said something the same. My H has decided he has a form of bipolar disorder, probably bipolar type II, in which he always feels down/depressed, but had periods of relative high, not the full blown elation or manic depressive illness, because he can be depressed and exhilarated at the same time, and this is the kind of feeling he had with OW: knowing what he was doing was wrong, destructive, ruining his work, family, self-esteem, but still needing that contact with her to escape the worst of his downtimes."
My H said he continued contact with OW, because she "made him feel good", particularly after a "bad night" with me...he just needed to know he was loved, that someone cared (like I didn't???)...anyway...
My H's father was bipolar, we both believe...he spent a lot of time in bed, and unavailable to his wife and family....
My H has admitted that he would do really stoopid things in order to "feel alive"...He even told the OW that he "loved her little edge"...meaning, he said, her ability to blow the entire relationship up by speaking the truth and letting him know what a game it was for her...she was dangerous....her "little edge"....
You are SO RIGHT, Liz...it's not anything, but trying to avoid the lows...my H even told me that..,...he'd rather bungee jump, with the risk of killing himself, than to feel as low as he was feeling.
I forgot that discussion my H and I had....thank you for reminding me, Liz...
My H is over to his sister's right now, and I was worried that he might fall into the "needing a lift" cycle....either talk out of school to his sister, or contact the OW...
I think he is into trying NOT to hit the LOWS...not seeking the HIGHS...
