Ever since I walked out of the hot tub that night when H went to light up, it looked as if he'd gotten the message. The last two times we went in the hot tub he was smoke free, until last night..............
He started to light up and I said do you really need to do that? He stopped and said what's the big deal? I thought since he asked, here goes! I said I worry about you...what it does to your body. He said I work out and take vitamins...Im fine! I said that if I didnt care Id just continue to let you do whatever you like but I do care and I cant let you keep doing this. I went into the same old song and dance about how he is addicted and smokes on average 5 times a day. He says it's only 3 times a day and I smoke so that I can get my job done. I said, so you rationalize it in your own mind, and he said yes, and laughed. I said just because it's only 3 and not 5 doesnt mean you're not addicted. If I drank 3 drinks a day to cope with life, then I would also be addicted. I said most people who smoke, smoke maybe once a week or once a month, I said you smoke every day. He couldnt argue with that but said he has no plans to change that. So I said you want to know if youre addicted or not, can you go 2 weeks without smoking and he said easily....I said then do it (he didnt answer)! I said what about 6 weeks, and he said he's done that before so he knows he can. I said when? He said when So and So used to hang around. I said that was over 6 years ago, things have changed. He said nothing has changed. I said back then you smoked a lot less and he said so. Yes, you liked to smoke back then but you werent addicted (no answer from him).
Then I decided to shoot the other angle, again!. I said what if you ever get busted? He said it's only for personal use, I dont sell so what are they going to do? I said if you have more than such and such an amount they call it "intent to sell" and they can take away our business, house, cars, bank accounts, and possibly our children. He said no they cant, I said yes they can, you know the law and so do I....you're in denial. You dont think you'll ever get busted. He said he takes every precaution not to get busted. I said the only precaution you need to take is to stop doing it. He said he sees nothing wrong with smoking. I said that is your opinion but it is illegal, are you willing to risk everything WE have and our children, so YOU can smoke? (no answer from him). I said what if one of the people you "share" your stuff with gets pissed off at you, then what? I said all it takes is one pissed off person and you lose it all! I said did you ever think about that? (no answer). I said apparently you really havent thought this through then have you? He got out of the hot tub, and started yelling at me "Im not a criminal, I work hard, if I want to smoke I can smoke" then he walked in the house. I stayed in the hot tub until the timer turned it off. He came out and helped me put the lid back on and then didnt speak to me for the rest of the night, and left this morning in a grumpy mood.
I cant keep my mouth shut anymore about this. This is the third talk we have had since last summers BIG talk. Apparently he knows what he is doing is wrong and I my talking about it is a threat to his addiction. Normally he remains calm and silent when I say something. This time he flipped out. Something must be getting through....I hope! If I say nothing or do nothing then I am enabling. I dont want to enable. And if it made him think a little, feel a little guilty, or even made him uncomfortable then good! I am not going to make it easy for him anymore.
Good job Carol. One other thought I had while you were listing the consequences was that I've read reports and seen on TV news programs that the DEA is known to pressure someone who they've arrested into telling on others, especially their source. If your husband is a "source" then he IS distributing to others. My understanding is that it is a crime is for distributing, not just for selling. The person turning him in doesn't have to be mad at him, they could simply be arrested and pressured themselves. In the end it won't matter how careful he is, one way or another he will get caught.
Also, a lot of people I know wouldn't buy pizza at a place they knew was involved in drug distribution and use. They just would go somewhere else that practiced better business and values. If word gets out that the business is like that, or there are subtle changes that cause people to believe that it is like that, then it won't matter if he's arrested. Public opinion will take all those things away instead.
Atta girl Carol! My hat's off to you. An old friend long ago told me a little bit of wisdom, "when you're sure you are right, then get on with it." You ARE right Carol, so why not let your H know and feel who you are? At some point he will have to deal with reality again, and your constructive confrontation certainly seems to be in order. I'm proud of you...
If you get another chance to discuss this with him, you might point out recent results that show that marijuana is much worse for your lungs than tobacco. The study showed that pot smokers get emphysema much younger than tobacco smokers. I passed this info on to a colleague who works on lung damage and he said it's well known that marijuana is much harder on the lungs: same and other carcinogens in the smoke, bigger nastier particles, low quality control so lots of impurities etc etc. So many dope smokers say it's healthier than tobacco but it isn't. I don't want to scare you about your H's health, but maybe he will take notice of something which could affect HIM as well as you. Just get him to read up on emphysema and imagine what it is like to be unable to get a decent breath into your lungs, so you can hardly walk, or stand for very long, or talk. Maybe scare tactics/grim reaper approach will have some impact, because he's doing it to himself.
Awesome job Carol! I would like to add this though. In retrospect, marijuana was almost like another OW with my H. I think (and this is only from my personal experience) that pot is really only mentally addictive. When it is used recreationally then it is easy to quit. You can always find other ways to have fun. But when you use it to cope with life because dealing with it sober seems too much, you are almost afraid of quitting. That was the difference between my H and I. I just used to "have a good time" it was nothing for me quit. My H though, well he thinks he cant cope without it. And in all honesty I dont think he could either. Pot doesnt really change his reality at all, it just makes it go away. He doesnt have to think about it. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really knew who my H was. I would never have given my H the ultimatum, unless it was with the intent that I wanted him to leave, because that would have been the outcome. Living with someone who has an addiction is hard Carol. At some point I had to decide whether I could live with it or not. I couldnt so I left. The fact that my H had an affair was something that I could have dealt with. But his inability to handle his pot and lead a normal life - that was where I drew the line. I know a lot of people who deal with it though. Its just in their nature, they have the patience.
I would also like to say Carol, that I had similar conversations with my H. I dont know how similar our Hs really besides this one thing, but my would never quit for me. Youre doing the right thing. If you have any questions just let me know or email me if you want. I think of you often.
That was such a beautiful piece of calm, restrained truth-telling in a difficult situation that I've ever heard. Tremendous. If you can continue to calmly confront him with the truth, you'll be doing yourself, him and your marriage and family a big favor. No yelling, no anger, just plain old truth, spoken with love.
Thanks for the encouragement. I really appreciate it. And can you tell me how to find a good PI?
Peanut,
Thanks for the response. I dont think my H will give up the pot for me either. That is why I am working towards the ultimatum if that's what it ends up taking. But with the business he has a lot to lose...WE have a lot to lose. And I am not going to let everything go to "pot", literally! I will get out before that happens if I can help it.
My C said that he would like for me to gently nudge my H into counseling. He says that he doesnt care how or why H comes, just as long as he gets here. He said to me "The old saying is true. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink. But I sure as hell can make him thristy!" He has a point, that's for sure
I don't really know. I got lucky. I would interview a couple, ask their rates, and ask them how they handle their stakeouts -- and whether there are some things they definitely would not do. You don't want someone shady, who's willing to fudge or break the laws. You want someone professional, by the book. The more professional, the higher the price probably.
You're welcome to call the PI I worked with in Texas, and he may be able to recommend someone in your state: Claude L. Bookout, P. O. Box 500201 Austin Texas 78750 (877) 657-4559 (512) 396-4436 (Fax)
www.investigateworldwide.com (This is 2-year-old info, so I don't know if these numbers are still good)
I had a very good experience with him, and he was very personable, and careful. For example, during the stakeout, he refused to give me the room number where they were in. He didn't want me going off halfcocked and doing something I'd regret the rest of my life. I was a bit frustrated with that approach at first, but afterward saw the wisdom in it.
Wow Jim, thanks for all the info and advice! I will check out the site. Maybe they will have a listing for someone in my area.
Take care....Carol~
EDITED TO ADD:
I just checked out the site and I wrote them an email. If they do not respond to the email, they also have a toll free number I can call. Thanks again Jim
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Apr 12, 2006 11:24 AM
Glad to help. Just be prepared for a gut punch. I knew my wife was cheating, had been telling myself that for years, and yet the awful reality of having the PI call me after watching her head into his hotel room and stay the night was truly the most heart-wrenching experience of my life. Reality came crashing in that night. I know you know that you know, but I'm afraid that if what you believe to be true is confirmed, it will be pretty hard to take.
I just want to give you a HUGE fairy hug and tell you how very proud I am of you because you are showing so much awareness, personal growth, strength, and resolve in your writing lately. Your recent posts have been logical, thoughtful, indepth, as well as compassionate--which they always were--in a way they weren't even six months ago.
I believe whatever happens in the future, you WILL survive and be happy because you will ensure you do by taking full responsibility for your own life.
Huge happy fairy hugs,
fairyfriend
edited for typos
This message has been edited by fairyfriend on Apr 12, 2006 1:40 PM
All I can say is Wow FF, and thank you. I look up to you so much and that compliment means a lot to me. You have always shown wisdom and compassion to others as well, and you always offer wonderful advice and loving fairy hugs to all
Take care....Carol~
EDITED TO ADD:
Thank you for the warning and for your concern Jim. I am prepared.
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Apr 12, 2006 5:24 PM
