Forgive me if I rant! I am just so mixed up today.
I have been in and out of the forum over the past week, and I have found everyones postings so very helpful. I can relate to most of the scenarios, and I feel so much for everyone. I have been struggling with the 'forgiving' thing, and have I think made good ground on this front.
H is very remorsful, and has done nothing wrong since d day. (well I don't think so). I do monitor his movements, and I did laugh at I think Carols post, when I could relate to the amazingly little amount of time they need! H used to finish night shift and still be back by 6.30am!
Anyway, we are working on this together, and trying to build these new walls of concrete instead of wood! I can see this happening as time goes by. I just want to ask a question, and I am sorry if this sounds so stupid!!
We are told that it is ok to ask and ask and ask until we are satisfied that we are happy with the answer - yes? and boy have I done that! over the past year time and time again. H has been very patient, and knows that I needed to ask.
So - I am finding this difficult to write
I am struggling with me. Let me go back a bit. I was infected with an STD, and went to an anonymous clinic to be sorted! I was worried about going the GP route as this would show on records, and affect insurance etc. I was also humiliated.
This clinic was agony, and I felt the scum of the earth sitting with people who seemed to be there every week. I never want to go through that every again. Believe me I could not have hit any lower low.
So my question - they said I was clear. Fine but they are processing so many tests etc, and i feel so tired all the time, do you think they could have missed something?? or am I just feeling down? Is this all in my head?
I wish there was somewhere I could go and be tested as many times as I want. I want to know every time I need to that I am still clear and I cant. Does this make sense to anyone or am I completely off the rails?
I told h how I felt today, and he looked like I took a stick to his middle. I want this hurt to end, and feel that I must be dwelling on things now. I should be grateful that I have a H who is trying to rebuild my respect for him etc.
I think I am in this dip of the roller coaster now, but hey when you are at the bottom = the only way is up!
I can definately understand your needing to reconfirm that you were cured of the STD, even though you've already come back negative, I don't blame you.
I did not get tested for STD's because my H did and was negative.
But I can understand the humiliation of going to the Dr. and having to tell them H had an affair. I told both my cardiologist and my GP, because I needed anti-depressants, it was very hard to do. But both were very supportive and made no judgements.
If you feel the need to be retested, go to your GP and be retested. In all honesty, your doctor should have your full medical history anyway.
Do what you need to do to help yourself in your healing.
It could be some other health issue other than an STD. It might be worth seeing your regular physician for a full check up, but also sharing the symptoms you are experiencing with them.
I've read that the stress of affair related trauma can seriously affect a person's health. I personally had immunity issues during the first year or so, as well as accelerated (in my opinion) loss of eye sight that is normally due to aging. It's worth a regular examination by your doctor.
I agree...you gotta swallow the pill on this one and go see your GP. Who knows what it could be, even depression can make you feel like that. But your GP has no idea you have laready been tested and you can ask to be tested again if it makes you feel better.
"This clinic was agony, and I felt the scum of the earth sitting with people who seemed to be there every week. I never want to go through that every again. Believe me I could not have hit any lower low."
Okay -- here's mine, are you ready? I also went to a clinic, for the same reason. The problem is I have very, very, very - barely registers low blood pressure. Add this to my physical state after dday -- I had moved out, I wasn't eating right, not sleeping, drinking maybe a bit too much (okay forget the maybe part....) probably hadn't had breakfast - and they could not find a vein. They worked and worked and worked in whole TEAMS. They even started in on the veins on the back of my hand. I looked like a pin cushion -- no luck. SO... they decide they need to send me to ANOTHER clinic across town. They send me with paperwork.
The thing is, for public clinics, there is no check box on the paperwork for "Good Chirstian girl who conducts herself honorably, but who's H had an affair with a slut and who now is afraid she's caught something" The choices were things like "Drug Addict" and "Multiple Sexual Partners (10+) in last month" (I swear I am not making this up) and they checked the "Multiple Sexual Partners (10+) in last month" box.
I'm crying on the way over. My arms and hands are full of holes, some are tricking blood and there are major bruises forming under the skin on the insides of my elbows.
I'm wearing a blue cotton jumper over a pale yellow cap-sleeved mock turtleneck -- there's no way to hide my arms. They were the kind of thing you'd stare at on someone else before you quickly looked away....
I go into the waiting room (about 2/3 full) and walk up to the counter and hand her my paperwork and said something like "the nurse at XXX sent me over here and said you'd be expecting me" and she takes my form, spins a quarter turn in her chair and says "OKAY! WHO WANTS THIS ONE? - MULTIPLE SEXUAL PARTNERS IN LAST MONTH."
Everyone looks up -- the staff behind the counter, the people in the waiting room -- everyone looks up, the movement of so many heads in moving all in unison is just one of those memories that stick.... I really just wanted to die - right there.
So I'm with you... the humiliation was quite something.
Clinics... they serve a purpose I suppose, but I've had my share...
I can totally relate to what you are saying about them not dealing, or able to deal with people who are innocent victims. These clinics are just full of people who think this is just a meeting place to discuss their STD's and how they got them, probably to bragg too ie 17-25 yr olds must think they have notched a feather in their caps by even getting someone to sleep with them.
Yes, I sat there being stared at, somehow I had the wrong 'look' dressed in my suit (not joggers and a base ball cap!)
I heard the nurses whispering round the corner discussing my case! (ie did you know that she has only EVER slept with one person!!) They didn't know how to deal with me.
I as sure as I am here, know there is a gap in the market for clinics to deal anonamously with innocent victims on a compassionate basis. I have never been raped, but feel that my experiences there must be as close as the feelings people must experience when they have to be examined. I still wish I could turn my body inside out and scrub it clean.
Susan I am so sorry that you had this terrible experience, I get so many triggers related to this, probably as much as the A. I know I am feeling bad just now, but H tried to kiss me last night, and I was just so disgusted, it brought so many pictures into my head.
I didn't think I was depressed, I thought I had been doing really well, but!! I feel like someone is feeding me really heavy food because the spring in my step has gone, and I am not enjoying the long walks that I take with my beloved dogs so much. (not me at all)
Tom, I know what you mean about eye sight going etc. I have noticed that I have aged more in the last 12months than in the previous 12 years! Hopefully this will slow down now!! I am going to concentrate on looking after me again. I'll give it a month, and if I still feel the same physically, I will make an appointment to see the GP.
Well Im off to walk the dogs and go to work.
Thanks for listening everyone.
I think it would be very unlikely that you have an STD, however it is not surprising that you feel this way. You had a very traumatic experience. The fact that our spouses had affairs often open the floodgates of fear i.e. if that can happen, anything can happen and we are no longer safe.
It is not surprising that you feel ill after all you have been through and you are probably are depressed to some extent (all of us have been). I think meds are a good idea for the type of depression that stops you functioning or where you are suicidal however, I am bit wary of taking meds for 'reactive depression' i.e. where the depression is a natural reaction to something that has happened. We have depression for a reason - it tells us that something has to change. You might more relief by seeing a counsellor or talking things over with a friend.
I am sorry that you still feel so bad but at least your husband seems sympathetic.
Susan,
What you describe in the clinic is truly shocking and is a clear breach of patient confidentiality. In your position I would write a letter of complaint, even if it happened a long time ago. There are some medical professionals who truly have no people skills and they need this brought to their attention.
You should go to your GP as others have suggested and get tested. You could have something as simple as anemia..low iron; that shows itself in lethargy. You doctor needs to have your entire history. I didn't have the clinic experience...I sat in my OB/Gyn's office and cried on the table telling her what happened and what I needed to be tested for. She, normally a very cold woman, patted my leg, told me that it was okay and then asked about it all. It was humiliating and good all at the same time. I came back negative thankfully but I was carrying a heavy load until I finally went to her.
I too have noticed that in the 3 years since this all began that I now truly look my age. I always looked so much younger but this takes a toll on you not only emotionally but physically. Even my hairdresser said that he could see the stress in my hair [he's my brothers friend] ..so it shows everywhere.
Denise is right, the stress shows everywhere. My C says I have PTSD. My periods suddenly stopped and I cant sleep. I have severe panic attacks...sweating, rapid heart beat, feeling faint, headaches, stomach aches, and strain in my neck. My Chiroprator and my Acupincturist noticed the added stress in my neck and muscles and it has caused me so much physical pain. Recently I have begun to let some of the stress go and I see a remarkable difference in how much better I feel. Still dont have my periods back and my Gyno thinks they're gone for good, although I have taken 3 tests for menopause and all came back negative and I am only 41 (my mom was 54 when she started menopause)! Go figure. But it is so true that the stress of our situations causes many physical as well as psychological symptoms. It is better to get checked out by your GP and see if he can offer you some diagnosis or insight and offer you some relief of these symptoms.
I need to change my doctor as we moved house four months ago, so I have decided that this will be my opportunity to make an appointment!
Dee - I think you may have touched on something with the anemia topic, and i will follow this up with this appointment.
Thinking more rationally today, if H is wanting to sleep with me, and he has been tested clear, then as he assures me he would be showing signs if I was still infected. (he wasn't very suttle, but said it was all in my head)! very true in the cold light of day. However that does not negate a very real need at some points to have reassurance, and thanks to Carol for pointing out these internet sites.
Miles, if you read this, I have been reading your posts too (some more easily than others! ha ha ha)
but do see that you have very real lessons to share.
I do not hold to any religion, but believe much of the text to show common sense, and basic values which I do hold dear. Some say I am a religious person, but I just try to be a good person who does not treat others as I would not want to be treated myself.
I have been thinking about this PTSD, and where it fits into the healing process. Over the past year I have been dealing with shock/anger/grief etc. I mentally made no future committment to H although we stayed together. It was actually the one little bit of control I think I felt that I had left, ie. It was my choice whether I wanted this relationship to continue. I can now see that as time has passed, and I have been dealing with the raw pain, I have 'found' myself in this position of accepting that I want to continue the marriage as H has been trying very hard and appears to be full of remorse. However this is where I think PTSD comes in (are you confused yet?). In your examples of PTSD rreferences are made to soldiers horrific sights/death etc. I most certainly see myself as experiencing a traumatic death - even murder!!
My H killed my views on human nature, he almost killed my faith in the human race, and he killed our marriage. These are all very strong words, but the way I feel. I now have to realign my views on all sorts of things which means I must wise up and be realistic. I have also by staying together continued the marriage, but I see this as a new marriage (old one died).
By accepting to continue, I am staying with someone who is capeable of killing things. If I put my trust back into this person, and take a risk that as he says people can make mistakes, recover from them and still be good people, it is my stress that is actually increasing (what if it goes wrong again). What meaning would my values have??? I do not know where my mind would end up?? Rather worrying for me. H says I try to analyse too much! maybe he is right.
Hi, I have been where you are.. perhaps am still just in the same sort of place as you. My way of looking at it is that you have to try to accept that this is the person who did this and even that it can happen again. Awful as that sounds. I went right to that place in order to test to see if I still wanted to to see if the marriage would work still. At that awful place I found a feeling that said I could live on with my wife knowing it could happen again. Also knowing that if it did that that would likely be the end of our relationship (ie a clear indication that it still was not working ok). And having visited that extreme and awful place and accepted the worst possible future scenario I find I can accept that day to day is ok to proceed. And I just watch and note how things are going. And see the pain recede a bit by bit as time goes by.
Is this happiness,.... not sure. Is it contentment.. not yet. Is it ok for now.. YES.
May you find some peace and happiness,
Jerry
You say: By accepting to continue, I am staying with someone who is capeable of killing things. If I put my trust back into this person, and take a risk that as he says people can make mistakes, recover from them and still be good people, it is my stress that is actually increasing (what if it goes wrong again). What meaning would my values have??? I do not know where my mind would end up?? Rather worrying for me. H says I try to analyse too much! maybe he is right.
Wow. 6 weeks after D-Day, I, too. have thought like you, and here's what I've resolved: I only need to trust my own instincts. If H does this to me again, I know what I need to do. For my own sanity and future. My H has been very supportive in answering all my wild and crazy questions, that sometimes I hated myself for asking because I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the painful answer. But somehow I've survived after hearing awful, awful things. When I first started asking the questions, my H would say I think too much! He'd say, the A is over! Why do you need to bring it back up again?!? I really didn't have a good answer to that one, but I just needed to sort out the details. I've since learned that when people experience a trauma, they need to relive it over and over to make some sense of it. I needed to pick apart this past winter - where he was when he said he went golfing? When did it start? Why did it start? How did it start? Didn't you ever think about me? What about the kids? Ugh. So much hurtful stuff. I could never have imagined before. I was completely in the dark...no clue anything was going on. And it was with a friend and coworker of mine. I was duped.
You are NOT analyzing too much! You NEED to think - and read - and get support. Me, too.
The More you ask questions the more you are able to let the A go...this worked for me...I asked and asked it is the nature of what happened to us... I need to know because any secret between the OP and WS is for me one secret too many, so I asked and ask until I am sure that I have the same answer for the question I have asked 101 different ways...it is called no trust because of all the lies...but then I am able to process the information..and let it go.
Worry about the future...YES...but as a dear friend pointed out we don't know what the future will bring...I was making my self sick with the what if's...now I just work on NOW...listening to the Tolle tapes of the book NOW...helped me focus on today...I can not control the future...so I am happy today......like the song...No worries, be happy....
take care,
Pat
edited for spelling and missing words>
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Apr 23, 2006 1:00 PM This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Apr 23, 2006 12:38 PM
I like your thought processes, and will go away and contemplate..... Even before the A I have always analysed everything it's just the way I am!! I like to look at a situation from all angles.
JJ, I am sorry you have joined this club, yes I made my H promise to read 'after the affair', and I think this has helped his understanding of my need to ask many, many and repeated questions. He is not an academic, but says this book was in his terms user friendly!
I don't now feel the need to keep explaining why I have to ask the same or a similar question.
I didn't need to explain why I was asking the questions...I printed out the Joseph Letter found in Helpful Links left side of this page...Letter on the top of the page...I think my H must have read the letter many , many times...but it reinforced my need to know...
I also over analyzed everything...but it caused me to stress...and affected my physical health...so now I just deal with today...Now..
I can relate with everyone here. Before the A, I was told I was anemic. I had to take 2-3 iron pills a day along with a glass of OJ. Then suddenly my energy came back. About a month later, I found out about the A. I went to my GP and was tested for everything. Everything came back negative, but I need to go back (they said every 6 months for a while). With the whole A thing happening, I swear that it felt like it came back. I am feeling tired and even dizzy (again) at times. I know I'm not amemic again because they tested my blood. I think that this kind of trauma really takes a toll on one's body.
For those of you that had a horrible clinic experience, I am so sorry. My stomach turns with yours at the thought of having to go through that
experience.
(((((hugs)))))
Jetta
I also over analyze BIG time! Sometimes we try to make sense out of something that makes absolutely no sense. It will drive you crazy, as I am a good example of that, lol.
low blood pressure. Add this to my physical state after dday -- I had moved out, I wasn't eating right, not sleeping, drinking maybe a bit too much (okay forget the maybe part....) probably hadn't had breakfast - and they could not find a vein. They worked and worked and worked in whole TEAMS. They even started in on the veins on the back of my hand. I looked like a pin cushion -- no luck. SO... they decide they need to send me to ANOTHER clinic across town. They send me with paperwork. 
...like the song...No worries, be happy....