I am having a case of the nerves. My stomach feels like it is tied in knots and I'm quisey feeling. I feel like crying, yelling, throwing something, cleaning the entire house from top to bottom, moving out, kicking him out, filing, running away, or just staying in bed for the rest of my life.

And this is just because of my 'gut' feeling. There have been red flags waving in the wind. I have spoken to some girl friends about this and spoke to H.

The red flags are:

(1) H has had a female friend that he works with over to our house (drinking beer in the basement when I got home from work). She's not really my friend although I have nothing against her, and have known her most of my life...but her and I just never where close or in the same circle of friends. I noticed H was not wearing his wedding band, I mentioned it, he said he didn't want to wear it (he was wearing his other ring). She left at 9pm, he left right afterward and wouldn't answer his phone. He came home at about 1130 pm and said he went to a local bar, he has witnesses who I could seek out and ask...but I shouldn't have to check up on my H.

(2) I found out he has created an account on an adult web site that is for the prupouse of finding local willing sexual partners. That was about one month ago that he created his account, He had an excuse, says he was just looking (porn) and the site was a scam to get people to send money. I know that's a lie. I proved to him it was a lie. Now I just found out that he changed his email account password. I also talked to him about that and how it made me feel, etc.

Now one of my GFs, who I have know mostly all my life and I trust like a sister, says that H has always professed his love for me, knows how much of a mess he created, etc. Says that she has NEVER seen or heard of him going beyond the 'talk' men talk. The 'heard' of him is the part that really gets me, becasue I realise that he wouldn't do something that my friend would report back to me, she knows A LOT of people, and you know how people like to talk gossip- 'sepcially if its juicy. Something would get back to me eventually.

My other GF (SIL), knows what H's childhood was like and says that it may be the fact that when he begins to get too close to someone (me) that he will push me away as a way to protect himself. And considering what we have just been thru it is understandable that we are leery of getting too close to one another at this point. That's what she does, and she did state that this is something she does, and it may or may not be what he does.

Another GF, who I have really only just met and who doesn't not know me or H. Says that the RED FLAGS are waving in the wind. To trust my gut.

H...he is a clam. He will not say much, never has been a talkative type of person. Well, he says A LOT of things without really saying anything at all. However on this subject he is a clam.

When he eneded it w/ the xow, and we begain the journey back together, it all was roses. Well, mostly roses. Now 11 months later, I am at a loss. again.

Do I trust my gut or is my gut kind of 'shell shocked' into wanting to believe the best but preparing for the worst?

Thoughts?

I might be shell shocked too, but I would trust my gut.

My H has a BIG problem with porn, but I have never found him with an account for any type of "match making" site. That would be huge for me.

Him having a female co-worker over alone, drinking, w/o his wedding ring on(he should never prefer another ring to his wedding ring) and then leaves right after she does, would be another huge issue for me.

We are 6 months past d-day, so everything is still a little sore for me, but I think you have a lot of red flags there and since he strayed once, I don't think I would be able to trust hm at this point w/o checking it all out.

Sorry you are having to deal with this or if I sound too harsh.

Lisa

I feel so stupid sometimes. I know in my head that you are right, but in my heart I feel...like I want to make and accept his excuses.

Don't feel stupid. Of course you want to accept and trust his excuses because you don't want to feel like you are being deceived again. But please trust your gut.

Lisa

Thanks Ami. You really didn't come on too, too strong. Just a good kick in the rear. Something we all need from time to time.

I can understand that I WANT to beleive him, in him. I do love him so much. And he is really a good man, father and husband. It just seems like things have gotten so difficult. So....I don't know....murky? I guess. So unclear. It seems I have always been able to see our future together, now I can't see it anymore.

"It is really hard to get to the point where you won’t let them convince you to keep denying the truth."

I feel like I will never get to this point in my heart. My head KNOWS, but my heart...well, it wants to BELIEVE...I want to beleive agian.

I sometimes wish I could just stop caring, so then I'd stop hurting.

Well, I tried to talk to him last night. He is unwilling to even address this, or any other issue, that I have.

His own words "It's not that I don't care. I don't f'ing care." Yeah, he's like that.

I am tired of all this bull. I'm tired and I am not going to keep setting myself up for this crap from him. I thought to myself this am "Why should I keep trying if he is unwilling, unable, to even talk to me."

My head is hurting from beating it against a brick wall.

So that's it. I'm done. (again)

I wasnt going to respond because I thought Ami had said it all to well. But...

I felt stupid too. A lot, all the time. And the banging my head on a brick wall yup did that too. Heck, I left my H a year ago and I still think that I made some no-so-smart choices. The emotional mess an A creates is hard to sift through, and it may take awhile. One day at a time.

What really got me worried here is the comment your H made. That he doesnt "f'ing care" The way I read it, it sounds like he said it with the intent to hurt you. Please be careful, even emotional abuse is abuse. Take care.

Peanut

We help ourselves when we help others

Danie

Nothing to say but just to send you big (((((Hugs)))).

Just know that we are here for you as you travel the healing road...

Hugs,

Pat

Oh -- feeling stupid was a huge stumbling block for me -- how could I - me -- be SOOOO stupid to overlook OBVIOUS (now obvious) signs

Any one of these are bad on their own, but together.... well... trust YOUR gut, you know your H better than we do, but never, never, never fail to trust your gut.

--

Now -- as to what your H says to your GF -- I think men in general are smart enough to know that what they wisper to a good friend is going to make it back to you. He may be planting seeds. If this were me (and obviously I'm not you) THIS one would make me worried just as much as the changed email password.

Free advice (did you ask for free advice because I have it) Install spyware on your PC and watch what's going on. It seems the PC is one of his tools and it offers an open book if you have the key to unlock the kingdom.

-Susan

according to my good friend Dave, this is a good spyware

Go to http://www.spectorsoft.com/

He recommends Spectra Pro 5

H runs anti-spyware stuff on the PC on a regular basis. So even if I knew how to install something like that he'd find it and remove it.

But even beyond that I just don't believe I have the heart to fight this any longer, and in truth don't know if I want to.

ETA: This phrase keeps running thru my head "Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me."

Please, please, please trust your gut ... and your eyes, and your ears and heart. You KNOW what this means, but the possiblilty of it being real hurts so bad, you just want to doubt yourself, which is far easier than knowing what is really going on.

Like Amie, I don't want to sound like I am lecturing you. I am just saying this because I've been there with my soon to be ex-H (who shall now be known for brevity as STBXH). He continued the inappropiate behaviors the entire 3.5 years past d-day. He did the porn sites, the "escort" sites, he spent alone time with other women, called strange women he met on the Internet, etc. We know it is wrong, wrong wrong for any married man, not to mention one who has a history of infidelity.

Sweetie, I wish I could tell you that you are over-reacting, but I don't think you are. Please protect yourself from getting hurt more. I tolerated way more BS than I should have and I would hate to see someone else feel the way I did.

This is what kinda gets me. If it was me that was planning on cheating thur the internet I would NOT send anything to my normal account. I would NOT change my password to get my H's 'gut' going.

It such a stupid way for him to do go about on-line cheating...if he didn't want to get caught.

Gut feelings....I trust my gut feelings. I have continually trusted my gut feelings and he continued to lie to me...and lie to me...and lie to me.
Danie...trust your gut. His behaviors as Ami said are not the behaviors of a remorseful spouse wanting to work on the marriage. If he was an open book and allowing you access to everything - then you would be able to follow up and know for sure.
Let me tell you just the most recent episode Danie. Our first d-day was 10/31/03....and all of this is with the same OW. In July of '05 I found that my H had her home phone number (I know this because I know ALL her numbers) and when I found this...it confirmed that I knew something other than work calls was happening between them. He told me and convinced me it was just work. My gut told me otherwise. Just the past February (2/14/06 as a matter of fact) i found out that my H never ended the emotional connection with OW. He called her at home and on her cell phone...she only called him at work because she knew I was checking cell records. My gut had been telling me for months that he was still talking to her (they no longer needed to talk as she was no longer on his account) and I asked, asked, and asked yet again....and he lied every time. My gut told me otherwise - and I was right.
I was fooled many times....and yet, I'm still here.
I guess I just want you to trust your gut Danie...and if you need to talk...feel free to e-mail me.