it has been almost a year and a half since i have posted. my husband and i have made great strides. i attribute much of our progress to the love and support of our family and friends, who have helped us so much on our journey. i feel blessed. problem is....confidant/best friend has recently made the decision to have an affair of her own. it makes me sick to my stomach.....this is someone who advised me on my own marriage...and how to heal it...i am sick...

hi sarah, that is such a tough situation to deal with. i too had a friend who did that. i remember very clearly one morning who kids came across from their house to say their mum was not home. i said well she might be in the toilet or something, you could be missing each other going around the house. so i went over, to do a house inspection with them. at that time i was concerned that something had happened to her cause i knew she had gone out the night before with a sister and some other friends. (who children were old enough to be left while she had a night out and her hubby worked away)

so i went to the house, did a look around and she was no where to be found. by this time i was concerned and rang her sister (out of earshot of the kids) to ask if she had stayed over or something. she said that she hadnt, so i just said she probably had just gone to the shops and the kids, who had woken didnt realise that etc etc. i didnt want to frighten her sister.

while i was there, she turned up in a taxi. she hadnt been home at all, she had been elsewhere and was most embarrased that i was in her home at 8am etc. i sorted the kids out, "see mum is ok she is home now" and then explained that mum had been home earlier but walked to get the sunday papers and felt ill so caught a cab/taxi home. this sort of worked except she still had the night before clothes haha, so i said she walked down the road in them to get ciggarettes and cause she had been drinking she didnt want to drive. that covered that story.

i also rang her sister and told her the same thing, cause at that stage i didnt know what had happened, but wanted to let her sister know she was ok, ( i left out the taxi bit, just said she had been down the shop and the kids hadnt noticed the car missing etc)

anyway, then i made her coffee and sat her down to ask what had happened. her sister and friends had left her in a bar, she met a bloke and went home with him. nothing sexual happened but she started rambling about being in love, that this man told her how beautiful she was and they talked all night, that she felt so bad because she knew what happened was wrong, that she had to come home cause she was worried about her children but what she wanted for herself was to go back to this man.

i sat and listened and then just said "mate you are drunk" and you are going to feel so much worse when your hangover is gone.

and she did feel worse, emotionally for a long time, she felt shame and fear. she also new of my H's A and yet for her, what had happened didnt translate into an A because nothing physical happened. she didnt get it. she did some months later and she her H and the children moved towns, the geographic solution hey.

so while your friend has heard all the horrible stuff of your situation, people dont translate it into their own actions, certainly not initially. give her time and when she is ready and more importantly she is ready, as her friend tell her straight what she is doing, the effects it will have and how disappointed you are in her behaviour.

i hope it works out ok for you both, but more importantly for her, it is tough to lose a friend.
hugs
kath
ps, this is the same woman who once accused me and her H of having an A because we were at a party and him and i were the only ones in the spa/hottub. it was winter and because none of us had taken bathers etc to go in the spa, him and i were in there fully clothed - drunk of course hahaha. my response to her accusation was that a) i didnt find him attractive at all and b)my clothes were so water logged i couldnt do anything anyway, even get out of the bloody thing hahahahahahahah

Help her, isn't that the right thing to do. 

I am interested in the words you use "She has decided to have an affair".. In my view the likelihood is that she is not in her right mind .. perhaps already lost to la-la land.  Anyone who understands the implicatoins and impacts of an A would not have one surely?  Remedies:  I am not sure any more although I feel moved to cold buckets of water, bright light of day/ truth etc..

Not sure I have much more to offer, other than the fact that you are an expert witness - Give your advice.

May you and your friend and all involved have peace,

Jerry

Sarah,

I have been through this - and it hurts.
I am 2-1/2 yrs out from d-day 1 and right after I found out about my H's A...I was on the phone with my good friend...telling her my worse fears were realized. She was upset and felt awful. About 3 months later she was telling me about her co-worker and what was going on between them. I kept telling her about what I was going through with my H...it didn't register. I warned her, told her to stop, told her to stay clear of him and she didn't listen. About 9 months ago she told her H and it all fell apart in her life. She agreed that I was right all along and when her H would say thing I had said to her - it hurt twice as much.
There is nothing you can do to stop her - but if I enountered this in my life again I would tell her 100% how I felt and then cut her off. It hurt me so much more to hear the WS side of things as my WS was continuing to make the same mistakes. Just make sure that you are keeping you and your marriage safe!

Denise

My dday was in August of 2004 - and I have 2 close friends right now who are in the riding that very fine line to becoming OW's.

One friend is totally having an emotional on-line affair with a co-worker. She claims she is just being a good friend, but really, does this guy have to be telling her how he is unsatisfied with his marriage, I think not!!. I have tried to explain to my friend the concept of an EA, but she doesn't see it and I don't want to hear about it.

Another friend has also gotten involved with a co-worker of hers who is married and fortunately after only one kiss the guy pulled the plug and is now in counseling with his wife, but my friend still tries to call him and still wants him.

I have been blunt and open with both of them and told them to remember back to 2004 and how hurt I was and understand that they are helping these guys to hurt other women...........they just don't get it. According to both of them, they are doing no wrong because the poor guy has confided his unhappiness to them and their relationships aren't good so lets just pretend they don't exist.

I love both of my friends and I don’t want to judge anyone but I really can’t comprehend how after seeing what I went through, they can do this. I have asked them both to no longer talk to me about these men as it really takes me back to all of the pain I felt and I don’t need to be reminded.

Throughout MC and recovery, I was amazed to learn how common infidelity is. I was really shocked at the numbers. But that still doesn’t make it right.

I know I should “never say never”, but in all honesty after what I went through I can say I will never be the OW.