This post may sound crazy, guys...among other things, I write (humorous)country songs under my "company" label-"Busted Heart Productions". The other day, my W saw the printout of one of my songs & asked if my choice of calling the company "Busted Heart" had anything to do with any residual feelings I had (she knows I had to get counseling awhile back due to PTSD related to her cheating).

Well, this caught me completely off guard & I covered it up nicely by saying I was just trying to be silly...no, it had nothing to do with my feelings....but damn it, the EXACT reason I named it that was because of what she did! I suppose I could have launched into a tirade about all the crap but I let it slide.

Now I'm convinced I just fed into her "Well, he's over it now for sure, so let's go on a picnic" mentality. I feel like I blew my chance at sending her a signal that because she continues to defend what she did, I am NOT fu@king over it!

Have any of you have found yourselves ambushed and having to pretend it's no big deal/suck it up? How did you feel at the time? Sometimes I feel like the biggest lunatic to ever post on HH.....

I was gonna yell at you for sucking it up...
but then I read
"Sometimes I feel like the biggest lunatic to ever post on HH"

So instead I am sending you loving hugs and asking two questions.

WHY and WHY?

Why did you lie?

Why do you feel that way about posting here?

I am guessing your lying about your feelings is to prevent a fight, make her feel bad, or just keep her happy.

I KNOW from MY experience by doing that I loose me. And after this... I will never loose me again for any one.

As for posting here and feeling like the biggest lunatic, I honestly don't have a clue. This IS the place where we come for TOTAL honesty and understanding. It is expected that any feelings are honest ones and we are here to help. Write from your heart Blue, just as you always do.

We care about you buddy, big time.

EL

I'm with El on this.

I think many of us often get in the mode of "protecting" our spouses from our feelings, sometimes to avoid a fight, sometimes to avoid feeling guilty, but in doing so we loose our chance for intimacy and being ourselves.

I have to remind myself that it's really not worth it to save my wife from my feelings. Otherwise I miss the chance to truly communicate with her and know who she is, and I deny her the chance to know me. Yes, there have been difficult times because of this, but ultimately it has been for the better.

Sometimes I choose to wait to share feelings because of circumstances. For example, sometimes I'll keep a triggered feeling to myself because of where we are, or what we are doing, but I'll go back to at a better time and say, "You know when blah, blah, blah... I felt like yack, yack, yack then. I didn't want to say anything right then because John Doe was there." Of course, my wife now understands that I'm going to need to do this and she allows it. She used to react badly sometimes when I'd bring up these things, but now she is much more disciplined in her response.

Tom

(((((((((((Blue))))))))))))

Did you ever think for a second that she would even ask that question?  The fact that she even asked is a clue that she is well aware of the fact that you're not over it.

You still have a chance to turn it around if you want to.  There's nothing that says you cant go to her and say "we need to talk" and tell her the truth.  But that's totally up to you.  Take it from someone who has been a total doormat, when you stand up for yourself you feel better emotionally and physically.  And I totally agree with what El said about it being an opportunity for intimacy and to be who you are and to not lose yourself.

I undertsand that it is hard to rock the boat..take care...Carol~

 

I guess it was because I was caught off guard that I chose to lie/cover up my true feelings--no time to think & put it in the right words without risking ANOTHER fight, another letdown, another bout of the silent treatment or hearing how it was her right to screw whomever she pleased. I have, as you guys suggested, lost "me" in the process, and squandered opportunities for real intimacy. Oh well, back to the proverbial drawing board. I can bring it up to her again...if I dare...

My HH family are the ones who, ironically, know the real me--weird, as the internet is where people sometimes hide their true selves....

You know guys, I am mentally tough, thick skinned--have to be in my vocation (28 years total in Child Protective Services & Drug/alcohol Counseling), but I melt into a puddle of jelly around the infidelity issue....it hits me where I LIVE, if you know what I mean...arrow in the heart, like the old Board.

Because you are such a deeply caring group of souls, this is where I can be my crazy self. I guess what I meant by that was, who the hell else but me would have an infidelity issue that started over a humorous country song and a ridiculous company name?! (maybe Weird Al Yankovic?)

Blessings to all of you

hi blue, i just responded to a post by lisa where you had also responded and i made the comment that it sounds like we are in the same sort of work.

then, snap i read your thread about not rocking the boat and i see we are in the same line of work and sadly, impacted in our personal lives by the 'disciplines' that are attached to it. disciplines that 'outsiders' do not know or understand.

in our work we believe and are even taught that we cannot strike back like others can. even in response to physical assaults there is a big NO NO to having a client charged. somehow this seeps into our home lives.

i think busted heart productions is a cool name for what you are doing, if your partner wants to project that onto herself, that is her issue - you have no need to feel guilty about the name, even if your experience prompted that name. if i was being nasty i would say "what makes you think i would name a sideline business after you" hahahah

but i know where you are coming from. busted heart is about your experiences at home and also at work, let it rest at that, you have no need to apologise or explain, it is just a good name for country music. god if there were not busted hearts there would not be country music would there?

many years ago i came home and my eldest son said he was going to make a million bucks being a country and weston singer. he was about ten years old then and said all he needed was a guitar, a teddy bear, a truck and a blonde girl hahahaha. brought me back to reality.

so embrase your country music, let it be about broken hearts or father christmas, claim it as you own space. in our work world, we need to do that, and if others want to interpret their inclusion, let them, only we will know from one day to the next or even one mintue to the next who we are thinking of when we hear, sing or write music.
i hope what i says makes sense to you my 'professional' collegue

my heart reaches out to you, i understand what you are saying. or if i was saying it i would say " i travel every day with the lives of people i have responsibilty for, some of them have busted hearts and then i come home to face my own busted heart and yours"

at some point they intermingle.

take care -
kath

Wow, you floored me with that post! I would somehow like to correspond with you about CPS issues and how they relate to what we go through...but this isn't the place to do it. It's not a job...it's a PASSION. And not to sound elitist, till you've done it for awhile, you have NO IDEA what's out there! I positively cringe when I watch the TV idealized versions of "saving children & families"!

And you are spot on about how it affects how one deals with thier own infidelity issues. The good and bad. I am priviledged to be with people when they are at their most vulnerable. I learn much from this--how to heal, how to help people move from "victim" to "survivor", how to see the humanity in even the worst offender (a challenge sometimes...), how to be self reliant and use great restraint...and yet, I find myself buckling under the weight of the unresolveable issues in my own life!

Maybe what I need is a good Social Worker!! (lol)

well, blue i have to say you sound more committed to the cause than me, but i also have to say that i think i know my stuff, i am not a model social worker haha. maybe kat, if she is reading can confirm

please feel free to email me at kathyw@arach.net.au to discuss work stuff - that would be interesting, to say the least, but also important to discuss the impact on our lives. this is not in anyway to negate or dismiss others who do not have the same job as us, all people have tough work, but there are very few who know the difference in what we do.

i hoped i had touched a cord with you when i wrote what i did, me thinks i did well and also picked up some of where you were coming from. it was a gamble.

thank you for your acknowledgement.

yep we can yak work and its impact via email, no probs

take care and despite work, remember to fly and be free, says she who is going into the office (nick name oriface) to collect work that i did not do today, to do on sunday.

cheers mate
kath
ps my kids think i am the old lady on judging ami and are always trying to bring 'stray' kids home haha, it aint that is it. i get conflicted seeing the trauma, some of my kids friends go through, especially when they ring me in tears, and i have to work out which head i have on, the mum or the social worker, a challenge in a small suburb to say the least. the easiest solution for me is to let them sleep over to take time out for a bit, until i work out how to confront their folks, as a neighbour and not a social worker hahaha (ironic laugh, yet again)

there is a time and place for everything and sometimes we don't respond the way we wished we had. You could take this opportunity to think of how you felt about the question and think of a calm and complete way to answer it...then go to her and tell her you want to talk about the question b/c you don't feel you were completly honest w/her.

In approaching it this way you are sure to not regret something, by letting something slip out or get carried away in the pain. Sometimes I confront my H the moment the time presents itself and I feel I screwed up afterwards b/c I got to emotional and jumped around to much in the discussion that I never made my point.

When I've taken the time to consider something and how I want to talk about it the end result is much better...so this could be a positive thing...a good time to open the doors to some solid communication. Its ok that we aren't "over it"...

JK

Busted Heart Productions I like that a lot!!! Sounds like something with a lot of feeling and a lot of lessons. Sounds like something too many people could really relate to Blue!

You write:

"I feel like I blew my chance at sending her a signal that because she continues to defend what she did, I am NOT fu@king over it! "

Dear Blue, have you ever considered Retrovale? Ami gets a commission for evry one she sends there or a place in heaven. I have been thinking about it, not cause I feel we need it anymore, but heck it sure can't hurt. I BELIEVE in communication big time. However, I have learned sometime it IS hard to say what is in our soul.

Right now my oldest son is having issues.. or as my daughter says he is cheap with the family! I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I need to say SOMETHING... and I bite my tounge cause I " don't want to hurt his feelings"

So I understand not saying something... even though I believe in assertive communication. I do I really do!

However, despite our professional knowledge it is hard at home... we don't always practice what we preach nor do we do it as well at home.

SOOOO...

I would like to request that you and Kath rather than emailing on this very very valuable topic keep it on the board as much as you are willing. It is a very valuable topic and I share the problem!

As far as infidelity recovery I do NOT hesitate to let my H have it full blast. That was cause after about a year I decided I was still alive and therefor if I could survive THIS incredible pain I could survive anything. If he wanted to leave I WOULD survive. I decided with the great help of Dr. Wonderful that he needed to know my every painful feeling. I never held back after the first year. It took me that long to face the fear of my anger.
I expressed NO anger for one year. I just cried hysterically ALL the time.

After year one I FELT my anger and so did H. However, as Dr. Wonderful explained it was poisioning ME. I had to learn to express it respectfully . That was hard. VERY HARD

I learned that what I was feeling was RAGE not anger. This was a feeling I had never known before. Despite my psychological background and all my skill in dealing with families in crisis, I could not deal with MY RAGE. Therapy helped me to get the words to explain my agony.

Retrovale have you thought about it dear Blue?

Oh and by the way Susan recommended No More Mr. Nice Guy, husband got to it first and so far loves it. He is not a reader so I got the CD. Might be something to consider.

Fondly,
El

Edited to add.. I adore Ami and her incredible wisdom. I just feel anything she feels so strongly about as to be valuable.

I bookmarked the Retrouvaille website ages ago & was too chicken to actually do anything else with it. Upon your advice, I will go to the site & read exactly what kind of commitment it would take. I have heard that it helps many couples...but after several bad bouts of MC (which actualy made things WORSE,)I have cold feet, as in: "professionally opening the can of worms again". I am also working 6 days a week at 2 jobs & not sure I can unhook myself (excuses, excuses!). I also project that short of having brain surgery, my W will continue to defend herself and/or blame me for her cheatin' even in Retrouvaille, so why put us through THAT again? Her defense system is pretty awesome & honed to a fine edge over the years....but your suggestion is from the heart, I know.

Also, EL, I must have missed/spaced out what field you are in...kindly tell me-- sorry if I wasn't paying attention! I do recall it being psychology-related. Sometimes my attention span is...look...there's a pony!!!! lol

I would worry that to "outsiders", the whole CPS/social work thang as it relates to personal recovery might be a crashing bore. It PROFOUNDLY affects me, but I'm not sure anybody but maybe you & Spirit or any other SW'er types that happen to post here would want to get into it...? Set me straight, please....
(& by the way, I totally agree about Ami's posts--she grasps the totality of both sides to such an extent that while reading her posts feelings well up inside me...as in "YES, she knows!"

And JK, I want to acknowledge and thank you for the wise advice you gave me in your post...that's why I come here.
Blessings to all

BB

Hey BlueB

I did something very similar recently - I said something about a recent credit to myself being unexpected 'in the circumstances' - meaning the total train wreck of the past two years - and my H said 'Oh, what circumstances?' and I was so sideswiped by this I just said 'Well, I've had a lot on my mind'. Which meant - I was barely able to function, could walk and talk but sure could not concentrate on anything nor sleep nor eat - so gaining credit for actions I'd had to carry out during that time was God-sent and unexpected as I was almost incapable of normal work behavior and was not myself at all. The realisation that H seemed to not understand what my life had been like after living through his actions was so gobsmacking that I couldn't respond adequately.

...but I will ...>

Maybe we just go into self-protect mode so much it's hard to ever come out - ? but, we have to, or we are just adding to the damage to ourselves that our BSs began.

I know this is something I have to work on, ie, being myself, owning my feelings, saying what I feel and mean and being prepared to be hurt by it, not curling into a snail shell. Even after, well, especially after, the trainwreck I have lived through.

C.

BB,

Maybe you said nothing because sometimes there is no point. If your wife asked the question then she is obviously aware. Telling her over and over that she broke your heart doesn't really fix anything.I read somewhere that the BS has to move on from it because if they don't their guilt, and the anger they feel at feeling guilty can mess up the relationship further.

The other thing I learned was that although your wife is responsible for breaking your heart, she cannot fix it for you. Only you can do that. Seems unfair I know. I more or less had a nervous breakdown aftr finding out about my husband's affair but my vulnerability was not all down to him.He has to take responsibility for what he did but the fact that i totally 'unravelled' was down to that on top of many other things that happened in my life before him.

Only we can heal ourselves.

Bela

hey bb, see what bela said, a bit of 'physician heal thyself'

so true sometimes harder hey

excellant post and responses

cheers
kath

Blue, I do this all the time these days. While my W's affair persisted, I let her have all my pain and angst and hopelessness both barrels. Since she (apparently) ended it, I have 'soaked' the pain and not bared it in her face more than a couple of times. Because to let her have it in its pure and unadulterated form will chase her even further away right now. I periodically make it clear in no uncertain terms that I am NOT okay with her choices, but I don't just let it all out on a daily basis. To do so would sour what time she does spend with D and I. And I am trying to rebuild a sense of normality and intimacy from only one side. I think it varies from situation to situation, as to how much you should 'protect' your WS or FWS from your feelings, and in those situations where they have committed to rebuilding the M, by all means let them have it. It's just that sometimes I feel it could be a bit TOO blunt, and therefore counter-productive. Sometimes you catch more bees with honey...

Hmmm - I am possibly opening myself up for the 2X4 here. Someone please feel free to point out if I am a wanderer in my own fog...

Whatever.

Dave