I will try to keep this as brief as possible. So many betrayals and premeditated schemes to clearly let me know that my feelings were of no value. I can not even remember the exact d-day. It seems to pale in comparison to the hellish nightmare i can not accept as real. Suffice to say it has been at least 14 mo. since i expected the gift i was offering to be accepted.The giver embraced for having processed this for many years. To show, that all was surly to be forgiven. Never was i intending to jeopardise the most wonderful friendship and love we had struggled to find. I had known of past inappropriate flirting and nights out with the girls that always included clubs and dancing. To further shake my issues with jealousy came the job with the airlines. I can say that she would tell me things and i would express concern in the wrong ways. I sadly did not feel it was my place to be suspicious or judgemental. I felt like i needed to change some very wrong and unkind behaviour of my own. Our marriage of 26y. has been not without problems. I was never the kind to blame or not face my selfishness.i also, without fail gave honesty the highest priority in all i did. And,,,,, I know a secret, one can make a couple. Through care, kindness and facing my faults i ended up more confident and happy than any other time in my life. We were actually telling each other that we had become each others best friend. What i failed to see was, never expect an outcome. When on the top dig a foxhole. I know without a doubt my belief of, never would this person who now loves me like a best friend, continue to keep a secret from me. I just knew that i would get honesty and deep sorrow. This would have hit me harder than i expected. I know that now. I also know that i was never, ever, going to punish or belittle her for a mistake. This almost seems like a cruel elaborate joke. I am in so much shock that i still sometimes feel i have not passed the first stage of denial. D-day came as i had expected. How it came has me contemplating death as a far less painful alternative. I know from 1000's of hours of searching for understanding. 1000's of pages read as well as written. That thoughts of, " what do i have to live for" are very real and even a possibility. Thank God for my mc, Peggy Vaughn ( who miraclessly at the wee hrs. of my despair responded) and now this site that i have been on for way longer than i should be. I will say that we were in the midst of a long and intimate revelation of my childhood. I must give her a deep thanks for her help through another unexpected emotional blow. I can do no less. but now i am reluctant to do anything but save my sanity. I took my wife's hands and looked in her eyes. It was time " _____, I know and i want to tell you that this is confession. It's, no matter what it is. Will be O.K. , i have forgiven you and love you for the marriage we have now." And with that very true and kind statement. My life has turned into a lonely, desperate and unbelievable hell of torture. I find it hard to even think of these things again!!! I know i want them to go away without them having to be my fate. I foolishly, for the first few months thought she was not serious when she would leave, threaten and demand it dead. As the lies piled up and the deception turned into lying to hurt me at all cost. As the sheer disbelief that this beautiful person was now so unwilling to talk or give truth. So, (i still have not come to a conclusion as to why) adamant in her secret life that she was willing to do some of the most despicable deeds i have ever heard of. Even now, with an education that bordered on fanatical. A look into the depth of cruelty of some people over honesty and remorse. I sadly say that i still feel especially unique in some of the horrible self-centred behaviour. I was so devastated emotionally that i was physically showing signs of severe stress and depression. I literally filled pages and pages of the most shocking and destructive reasons for not owning up. Kindness became something that was earned if i could get over it. She, to this day shows no genuine compassion or willingness to understand the amount of harm done to so many. I was at times unable to stand as she would deliver graphic,,, i wanted to,,, ((&&^$%^& him. When i was only asking for how she felts. Without fail, through the 100's of times i tried to show that i only needed to understand some of this. She never once was kind or honest for the duration of our feeble attempts at talk. The number of times she threatened divorce, called a lawyer, or actually filed i can not count. The person she slandered and arrogantly told anyone that it was my fault is still feeling repercussions of intense anger. I want to not let these very shallow and ignorant people affect me and my sense of self but it is very hard. I will not excuse my loss of control and some of the very wrong things i now have to face. I gave up 20+ years of sobriety with a vengeance that bordered on a death wish. I erupted into intense anger and the war escalated to physical (both of us ) I wish i could have walked away when i was loosing control and even when i would i could not escape. To this day i can not believe the things she would say as i tried to get away from confrontation. I now have these things to face and i will not run or deny my behaviour. I do wish they would not be used as another excuse to shift blame. I, from the start let her know that i was wrong and a part of all. I could go on for hrs. and hrs. about the sheer willingness to protect her secrets at all costs. To call anyone the enemy (even our children) and to use them in any way. It is so vile i am ashamed to still be trying desperately to save this marriage. I now, have been given the list of subjects that are not open for discussion. I have been selfishly commanded to get over it. I have been told that what she is going through, is far more important than the near emotional as well as the very real physical close shaves with death. I read this and say no one will believe that a person could do these things and this is but a small sampling of events. let me say that i was lied to not more than 72hrs. ago. And not just a denial but a black lie intended to make me feel it with vengeance. I have been up all night after telling her that i will be ok and i must fix myself. I promised to do all she needs to not become a divorce casualty. I almost want to vomit over the fear of being alone and the work that i now have to be kind, and forgiving. Even (and this is nothing) as i promised that i still am capable of seeing that humans are not perfect. That i care deeply and will forgive all... I will strive to show great patience and not criticise or judge. With work that i know is once again a solo act. And that the sex (and i can... honestly with conviction) was,,, and is,,,, really no big deal. I could not look at my self in the mirror and say that i am not without fault or sin ..... while i made you feel bad for things that i hope you see. It is not my place to force, fix, or condemn. I am a good man and i will be that fine man again. In showing that i am able to see what is good i become stronger. And in strength i will find closure as well as love for my never undeserving wife. I honestly can laugh at this now. Yes it hurts and yes i was so hoping that she would remember that i keep promises..That when i say i will do something she knows i will give it all i humanly can. And that this is about us in the long run.... her reply... "yea, the sex really wasn't that big a deal" i didn't even cry..... just came and spent the night to write my story. thanks for listening..i hope and pray and hope and pray.
i am sorry you find yourself here, but given the circumstances this is a good place to be. there are many thoughtful and caring people here that have been through this. we are all in different stages of healing. i wish peace and luck on yours.
Welcome to HH, a place no one wants to be. You will find very compasionate and wise people on this site who will support you and give you advice if asked.
Your pain truly comes through in your post. Please keep posting and venting, I know it helps me.
JUST THE FACT THAT U GUYS COULD BEAR ALL THE BLA, BLA,
June 1 2006, 2:48 PM
I AM EXPERIANCING A VERY FUNNY FEELING OF WOW.. MAYBE I WON'T HAVE FACE THIS AS A LONELY, MISUNDERSTOOD, CONFUSED AND SCARED BS. THANKS FOR TAKING TIME FROM YOUR RECOVERY TO LOOK INTO MINE. PEANUT & LISA YOU HAVE GIVEN ME SOME HOPE FOR A LIGHT IN THIS STORM. SORRY ABOUT THE LENGTH. I WILL BE SHORTER AND LESS RAMBLING IN FUTURE POSTS. I AM INCREDIABLY GR8 FULL FOR A PLACE TO FEEL SAFE. PRAYERS DO COME TRUE.
((((James)))) You are hurting so badly right now, and we all feel your pain. You need to concentrate on you.
It would be wonderful if your W was there to help with your pain and healing, but it might not work out that way. Either way, you need to count on yourself right now. Your heart has been ripped asunder and that hollow feeling in your chest is suffocating you. Breathe. Don't think about what's to come next. Just think about right now.
You didn't cause her indiscretion - she chose to have the A, regardless of your M or your "faults." Don't think about those now.
Ask questions. Yes, the answers hurt, but not knowing hurts worse.
Give yourself some peace, James.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I am sorry that you are going through this agony called infidelity and the extreme pain of a nonremorseful WS. I hope you find comfort in knowing that your feelings and your pain are valid and that there are others who have been where you are.
I'm so sorry you are hurting. You are definitely in the right place as everyone here has already said. You are not alone. These people helped me in very desperate times. I feel lucky and glad they are here. Whenever you feel that gut wrenching pain of loneliness, hopelessness or hurt, come here and write. It helped me so much. I've cried many tears on this keyboard with these folks, and I've learned that you heal. Things do change. I changed even when I thought nothing else would change (and didn't for a long time), and that made all the difference.
I learned that I had to do things for myself, and that I wasn't going to die from loneliness or pain. I also learned I could withstand and walk through pain, even if it felt incredibly bad. Suicide wasn't the only option. I learned that I was accepting treatment I didn't need to be, and that often I was setting myself up for pain. I learned that I created a life full of pain and full of people that inflicted it on me because I let them. I was used to doing that, I didn't know what else to do. I also learned that I could laugh until I thought I would pee, and that there were other people besides just H in the world, and that I wasn't worth what H thought I was worth at any given time, but was valuable independent of how he saw me. I saw that I could have a life with or without him. Stick around with these folks and give life your best shot whatever happens between yourself and your W. I never thought I would grow so much. It's taken a lot of time, patience, pain, anger, understanding, introspection and work, but it has started to change my perspective on everything, and therefore it has started to change everything. If I can get from there to here, anyone can.
Love,
Reb
This message has been edited by rebuilding on Jun 4, 2006 5:19 PM This message has been edited by rebuilding on Jun 4, 2006 5:19 PM This message has been edited by rebuilding on Jun 4, 2006 5:16 PM This message has been edited by rebuilding on Jun 4, 2006 5:15 PM This message has been edited by rebuilding on Jun 4, 2006 5:11 PM
God, Universe, Higher Power...they are all bigger and more filled with purpose than what you are stuck on right now. You gave up 20 years of sobriety???????????????????? That breaks my heart. Get going friend....start praying to God or to the trees...reach out....get a bigger picture...because it is bigger. I am preaching to myself here as well. I am sorry you are hurting. The sun will rise again in the morning, and I pray you have a fresh new perspective and a new desire to fight...to fight..for YOU and what YOU deserve and for what YOU are meant for on this earth. God , now that sounded really corny. Anyway...please hang on...
Thank you all for your concern. I have come to see that you can never expect someone to do the right thing. This is the most difficult thing to imagine of your spouse. No amount of pleading or examples that work can change someone else. It seems like i have to distance myself from her. That does not feel right somehow. Still, the facts are consistantly thrown in my face. Never was one to get it the first time. thanks again, will keep reading and posting.
jamieboy455
>No amount of pleading or examples that work can change someone else. It seems like i have to distance myself from her.
Jamie:
You're absolutly right, that we can't make our spouses change by encouragement or by force. Ultimately they have to want it. If a WS does not want to change after an affair, then a lot of betrayed spouses would take this to mean that they are not interested in working to avoid a repeat of the affair, and this would eventually spell disaster for the relationship.
However, that said, most wayward spouses go through a period of time where they don't understand how to reconcile, and they don't have the tools to do the work necessary, and they are in a bad emotional state for doing such a difficult task. In such cases, it seems like a combination of patience and pressure from the betrayed spouse can help. I know that my wife spent several years spinning around unable to really apply herself to reconcilation, even though that is what she wanted to do. It really wasn't until about 1 year ago that she really got started on this process in a real way.
However, I think that when a wayward spouse who is showing patent disregard for the feelings and emotional pain they have caused through their affair, the betrayed spouse is fully within their right (and possible making the best choice for an eventual reconcilation) when they begin to distance themselves from the wayward spouse. It can be difficult. Some do it gradually while others choose to do it quickly. EIther way, I think it is something that might be needed to protect the betrayed spouse from additional emotional traumas.
