We're 3 1/2 years past the big D-day and I have to say overall doing great. But today I walk in to the family room, and my H is watching a sex scene on HBO and I get that old familiar tight feeling in my soul. The kind I use to get all the time, but thankfully not very often now.

At that moment I wanted to walk over and smack him in the head and yell "HOW COULD YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH THOSE WOMEN"? But I didn't, I didn't say anything. Instead I'm just trying to work it through without saying anything, but it still sucks.

Anybody else this far out still get those feelings? Do you talk it over with your spouse or just bury it? Thanks

Carly,

Talk it over with your H...he doesn't mind read, may sense something is wrong, but has no clue.

that scene triggered all the memories for you...talking heals, eating it or burying it hurts both of you in the long run that wound keeps growing and festering so get the poison out before it hurts both of you.,Communication about your feelings is important...speak up but don't attack...

I may bring it up right away or wait for a quiet moment when you can have a quiet discussion...but I do talk about the bad triggers..

Pat

Yes, I also still have those feelings at times. When I do, I often follow Pat's advice. I look for a good moment and tell my wife about the trigger and how I felt. I try to do it in a way that doesn't heap the blame on her, but shares how I felt and why I felt that way. However, it helps that she displines herself to not be overly defensive. It would be hard to do that without saying something that would stir her defensivness if she weren't disciplined about her listening.

One of the ways in which many surviving relationships improve in the aftermath of affair recovery is that we learn to listen to each other better. In addition, we learn to speak to each other about our pain in ways that is still supportive. I have a feeling one of the "signs" that a relationship will survive the affair, is how the couple resolves painful moments and other non-affair conflicts.

TomJ

I bury it. Tom & Pat had good advice, though.
I have learned the hard way that in my own circumstance, it is no longer a topic fit for discussion. It goes downhill fast.

Hummm... One my husband is very careful about what movies he watches.. no comercials..He knows what triggers are mine and stays clear.. or hes up all night with the same story on "This is Why You have made me Feel the Way I doabout the normal stuff in life...".... Then he thinks about it more and does better the next time helping with the triggers.... but.. It really never goes away...

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.



..............LittleBit..............


You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul..

I have to say, unless you have a VERY remorseful spouse who totally understands your pain, they are never going to get why this is a trigger and causes such pain. Like BB, I have learned to suck it up most of the time or I just turn the channel myself (or turn off the movie if it's a DVD).  When I turn the channel, H gets the idea without us having to get into a big discussion or fight about it.  And if he doesnt like me turning the channel then too bad, he is being insensitive then and that's his problem.

Take care...Carol~

I havent posted much here in the past couple of years but I do still read and I read this and it was nice to know I am not still going crazy! I am almost 4 years past dd and for some reason my triggers have been more so lately then they were. I am not sure why, and its very hard to understand when I think about how far I have come. A lot of it I beleive stems from him being in the military and GONE all the time, so I have always felt like I was doing a lot of this alone. Anyways, one of the things I have always felt about coming here and reading was that if I felt a particular way someone else would also be and it makes you feel not so alone or crazy.

for me i feel conlficted when H may watch sex stuff

a) because i feel he might be wanting or needing something we might not do (cant imagine what) but also i understand that individuals have their own personsal sexual stuff

alternatively i woudl prefer that if he is going there, that we go together as a couple

but then i also recognise that at times i have my own sexual stuff/fantasices that doesnt incldude him, so maybe fair is fair,
kath