This is just a rant really. I feel stuck in this situation and there is little I can do about it. My husband has worked with the OW for 2 years past d-day and it is really starting to get to me now.
At first I didn't bother too much because I was checking e-mails, phone bills etc but more and more I realise that it would be so easy for them to be doing stuff that I can't trace. I am beginning to wonder if it has ever ended.
Today I tried to phone him at lunch time and his cell phone just rang out. It drives me mad! I know everyone will say that he should just get a new job, but believe me it's not that easy. It would mean ending a career and probably taking a dead-end job.
I am so sick of it! I feel like this whole nightmare has no end to it. It's got so bad, I was thinking this morning that if he can't get another job, it's time for me to end the relationship because I can't take living under the stress anymore.
You might think it would be better to end a job than a marriage but the way I am feeling, I think if he still has his job and we get divorced, at least there will be some money coming in. This sucks:-(
I hurt just reading your words. HOWEVER, I have some very good news!
There was a member here named Cory. He is about 8 years past d day. He posts over on affair discoery see links. His wife STILL works with om.
Cory was very very helpful in my healing. His wisdom got me through some real tough days.
He and his wife whom I had the honor of actually meeting are doing VERY VERY well.
Their solution was to make iron clad rules. ANY business contact Cory had to be informed of ASAP. Her situation was similar if she gave up her job it would mean a significant loss.
Are you in counseling? Retrovale? Where is my buddy Ami with her Retrovale advice!
There ARE solutions you just need to be creative.
One important one is he WILLING to do whatever it takes?? Sometimes giving up the job IF THAT IS YOUR CHOICE TOO is NOT the solution BUT he can make other changes sacrifices, compromises, what ever to prove his desire to help save the marraige.
And yes dear Bella I can certainly understand your feelings about wanting to preserve the assets if you divorce. BEFORE adultery entered my life I was a totally giving person. This has taught me about survival. I have learned IF I don't take care of ME NO ONE ELSE WIll. I try not to be selfish, never was, but I am NO longer self sacrificing which i was very very much.
My strongest suggestion is counseling to help you heal. Have you read the recovery books on helpful links? Many are available free at your local library and don't forget dearpeggy.com every week.
<<And yes dear Bella I can certainly understand your feelings about wanting to preserve the assets if you divorce. BEFORE adultery entered my life I was a totally giving person. This has taught me about survival. I have learned IF I don't take care of ME NO ONE ELSE WIll. I try not to be selfish, never was, but I am NO longer self sacrificing which i was very very much.>>
El has given you some sound advice. I can really relate to what she wrote above. Being selfish is not the same as self sacrafice, so dont feel selfish. You have every right to feel the way you so. But please try to take care or yourself. Worrying about what they may or may not be doing is going to drive you crazy! A IC can help you sort those worries and feelings out...lessen your fears and anxiety....it has helped me a lot
I know how hard this is. My H is also still in contact with his OW for professional reasons. Fortunately she lives in another town and they only meet face to face every six months, but they do have to have e-mail contact. I check his e-mails and he doesn't have a cell, but most of their affair was carried on through his work phone, and they could easily be using that to keep things going. Also, after he told me but before he has let go of the emotional A he set up an alternative e-mail account. I now monitor that one, but there's nothing to say he hasn't got yet another. Equally they could be sending snail mail love letters. so whenever I ring him and his phone is engaged, or when he is late home, or sitting at the computer, or planning a business trip, I immediately go into overdrive and suspect that he is seeing her.
What keeps me going?
(a) He does seem to be truly remorseful now, and is at last doing everything he can to show me his commitment to our relationship;
(b) We have talked and talked about the A, how it happened, what he needs from me and I need from him, the triggers for me and what he can do to help me;
(c) He has given me open access to all his e-mails and never shuts the screen down when I walk past, even when it might be something unrelated to the A or OW which I shouldn't see for professional reasons;
(d) He seems to have got over his attraction for her, at least in how he talks to me about her and how he deals with those six monthly meetings (he says he dreads them);
(e) He is facing more and more up to the lies he told her (and told himself about her) - he sees that it was an unreal fantasy probably better than me.
I know that in trusting my gut I may be being the biggest idiot (again) and it may all come unstuck one day, but at the moment I am judging his behaviour as telling me he is over it with her and isn't cheating again. It's a gift I am giving him, this level of trust, and I am very wary of giving it (hence still checking e-mails), but there comes a point where you just have to go with the flow.
Bela, have you talked to your H, about how this makes you feel? Does he tell you about all the contacts he has with OW as soon as they happen (or before if planned)? Is he doing everything else he needs to to help you heal? When my H was continuing the secret EA I knew he wasn't fully committed and after I discovered him he changed in ways that showed me that he finally realised what he was risking. Yes, it sucks, and sometimes it just doesn't seem worth the heartache, but there are good, remorseful FWS out there who are doing all the right things in difficult circumstances. I hope your H is one of them.
Thanks for the advice and I will check out those links. I guess my husband is doing all he could be - letting me have access to his email, telling me when he has meetings ect with her, avoiding stuff after work if she is there. And yet..I just feel that I cannot trust anything he says. It's been at least a year or more since I discovered anything untoward but I still don't trust him. I don't know...He just lied too easily for me. I think he could just do it all again.
I went to IC for about 10 sessions but although it helped me, it didn't help the marriage as my counsellor seemed to agree that the marriage was busted. We have not been to MC and that is a bug bear because I refuse to organise it now. We reached a showdown in Feb where I said if he did not organise it, I wasn't going to. He phoned one place and put our name on the list and they didn't 'call him back'. WTF??
Argh! Today is one of those days where I just want to walk away from all of this. I ask myself if he is worth all this anguish. I just don't know anymore...
