I feel as if I have been jogging along three steps forward two back, but still making ground - that is until this week.
All of a sudden I feel so insecure. Logic and reason seem to be fading, and i feel as if I have gone back many stages??
I'm scared and don't know why, I do really I think?! My mind is going into overdrive thinking that when I am in work, he could still be having an A. I seem to be checking up more, looking for clues and I don't understand why? He has not done anything different? It is as if my head is warning me not to get too comfortable. I should not relax because then I would be off guard and may be knocked for six before I know it. I am scared to let the protective wall down, but why now? I don't feel as strong as some you you out there, I could not handle another d day like the last.
I felt very uncomfortable in work when some of the younger guys were discussing one night stands and work affairs. They felt that it was ok - just a bit of fun. My insides were screaming but I could not say anything or else they would know my horrible secret.
I joked when I suggested going on the cruise and jumping in to cleanse me! but having time to reflect, this is still a huge huge issue for me and I cant seem to get by it.
How can I explain it?? I feel like a shiny stainless steel flask spotless on the outside, but dirty on the inside. I need to take the lid of too clean it but it wont come off so it stays dirty on the inside. Im sorry I am ranting and getting more upset by the minute - Im really not over this am I?
H doesnt understand and I just needed to share, thanks for listening.
What you are feeling is perfectly understandable. It takes ages to regain the trust and WS rarely seem to grasp just how deeply we are damaged by the A. For them it happened and it's over, in the past; for us it's very real and present. So no, you're not over it. Maybe you never will be, but the lows on the rollercoaster do get further apart and the desperation less frequent.
You are strong - you got through one D-day and that is probably one of the hardest things you've ever done. I don't think any of us are any stronger but we do just come to a point when we won't let the A dominate our lives. For me that was when I realised I would be OK without H. I'm still sacred that he will hurt me so badly again but I know I will be strong enough to kick his backside out the door if I ever find he is cheating again. In a way I have let go of him: if he chose to go to OW now (2 years after D-day #1) I would send him off with my good wishes. (Knowing she will always worry about me taking him back LOL.) He is not the man I knew for 26 years and I know I can't reclaim that old relationship; just work on this new one.
I know exactly what you mean. I was fine for abou 6 months and then I started to get paranoid purely because I realised that I was trusting him again and remembered that he is not really trustworthy.
I know what you mean about having a dirty secret too. It is horrible. I have told nearly all my friends to avoid this, but when work colleagues or new friends mention affairs etc I just feel my face go bright red, as if I'VE done something. I hate that feeling of being ashamed of my marriage.
I can't give nay specific advice, other than if you husband was doing something, you would probably know. I know from experience that worrying like this can really screw you up inside so maybe just try to meditate or stop yourself thinking about it.
I had a really bad day yesterday, and a sleepless night. 3hrs sleep! again!
I had a heart to heart with H today, just to explain that the progress line is quite a jagged one and not to expect increases each day/week but rather to see it as a trend with a longer term view. I can relate to that.
His problem is that he asks me what is wrong - he can see that I am not happy, but his body language and comments say 'please dont go over all this again, Im fed up talking about it'. When I talk about it he just sees this as me keeping it fresh in his mind ie. a constant reminder of his mistakes.
Anyway he has realised that I need him to actively participate in these discussions and not just to pay me lip service. That book he down loaded must be great!! he tookit all on the chin and apologised for not being as patient and understanding as he should!!?? not my H at all!
I let all the raw feelings come out, but without any anger and had a good cry. Funny that = I feel much better tonight. I explained to H that I wanted to come through this in a position where I could know my own mind and be able to survive without him. He was very positive, saying that he will spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy and would dearly love to help get back the old me who had determination and spirit. He says he will not give up and will only leave if I ask him to, but even then it would not be without a fight.
So tonight i feel back on that level playing field and am very grateful to you all for letting me rant. I will wake up tomorrow feeling much stronger I am sure.
Hi Heather, not sure how the site is working tonight but I did a whole big reply and it got lost somehwere...
In short I was trying to encourage you to keep on going at this. I said the prize is worth it and you and H must know the value of the struggle. There... that did not take long to day did it.. not quite so full of feelings and words.. but may be better for that.
Jerry thanks for your response. Yes I have had trouble with the HH site today too and lost a couple of really big posts. I think I need to copy them before responding - just in case.
I value your input so much, and agree with one of your other posts in that when I am responding to someone else, I really feel afterwards that I have somehow helped myself inching a little way forward at the same time.
I would dearly love a weekend away like a kind of retrouville (not checked the spelling). or even just a good weekend course which possibly focuses on good communication/contemplation. Not sure if anything like that exists in Scotland or the UK. I will try to find out.
It is just so amazing to experience living on a roller coaster?! I would not have had any concept of someone living through trauma of any kind had this not happened to me. Sometimes I think things happen for a reason, and perhaps one day we will all be able to help in some way which will make a difference in this world. I know HH has been a life saver for me because in the early days I did contemplate suicide. I did not post often, but still HH saved me from myself. It would be interesting to see just how many lives have been saved by HH. So through the worst possible scenarios - a light shines through.
May you all be well and positive tonight - now I am away to check the football results, For the first time in my life, I have made a bet!!!
Heatherone: In response to your interest in Retrouvaille in UK
June 19 2006, 4:21 AM
Heatherone: In response to your comments about Retrouvaille here in UK - I have followed up with the people who are aiming to set up a UK network and are planning a first meeting in Oct of this year. If you want the chain of e-mail explaining this or simply the latest sitation pl e-mail me or indicate by response to this posting and I'll put it in here for all to see.
I notice you also refer to other week-end communication/ contemplation events. I have done several of these over the last few months but I think you have to choose what suits you and what is available to meet your travel needs best. In my case I am in SW England and have been down to Devon and once we both flew on a cheap ticket to Ireland for a week-end there. All these sessions have helped and I recommend getting away and getting into a structured/ organised environment for a couple of days - Help is out there if you go looking for it.
I am not sure how to contact via email? I can't see it under your details?
I would be interested in these weekends, I did not have time in my lunch to look at much on the net, but did come accross a buddihst site, and whilst I have never looked into anything of this sort before found it quite remarkable. I spend my every 'free' minute with nature and loved the concepts/underlying base that this is built on.
H has been quite open to discussion this week, so I am keen to 'take advantage' of this situation!! LOL - we have got to take advantage of the situation some times surely?? I do not mind jumping on a plane or travelling down south, getting H to agree to go will be the main hurdle.
Hi Heatherone, if you click on my name I think it goes to my e-mail (it does on my machine set up) but if you need my e-mail address it is bondj2@castrol.com
I will get back to you with some thoughts,
May you be well, happy and peaceful (traditional Buddhist "metta" wish)
