In 1997 my H moved us 300 miles away from where we had lived all our lives. In 1998 he started an A with a coworker which last about 2 years. He ended it on April 2, 2000 after first asking me for a divorce, packing a bag and leaving. Called about an hour later crying and asking me to take him back. I did and we worked on our marriage. He told me everything, held nothing back, I insisted he get a different job, which he did with the same company but a different building. He told me whenever she contacted him and even shared the email she was sending to him.
In the 6 years from D-day #2 (also found out he had a short A when the kids were small) both our sons graduated high school, went off to college and I stopped asking questions and he stopped sharing. I actually thought we were getting closer in this past year with our youngest son going off to college. During these 6 years I occasionally asked him if he still loved me and he would always answer "yes".
On May 9, 2006, something made me ask again. "Do you love me?" and he answered "no, and I haven't for quite sometime". He was back with her (the coworker) and had been since December and he wanted a divorce. He said he couldn't live with himself if he didn't try to make things work with her. Found out she had never stopped emailing him this entire time, he just stopped telling me. He claims that he didn't answer her from April of 2000 until December. I told him I had given him 23 years and he could give me 3 months. So, we have been living in the same house all summer with my youngest home for the summer.
This is going to be a rough week for me and that is why I am writing my story. On Tuesday, I will sign a lease for my apartment, he has taken Wed, Thurs & Friday off for vacation to move my things over to the apartment. On Saturday we will move the remaining things and I will be gone. I also have my dissolution review with the lawyer on Wednesday.
I don't want this divorce, I don't want to move, but yet I know I can't be 2nd best in his life and I can't live with him cheating. I am scared and I am angry. I have no college, we wanted me to stay home and raise the kids so my working experience is food service. Now I have to go take some classes at the local cc so I can get a job with benefits. I am 50 years old and starting a new life. I am so afraid. I need a pep talk, please!
Eeyore56

Dear Eeyore
Our situations are very similar – long marriage, children grown, and husband has fallen in love with another. I discovered in January 2006 (on our anniversary) that my H was involved in an affair. When confronted, he said that while he loved me he was “in love” with her. After a few tumultuous days H said that he never expected how hurt I would be and promised to pour himself 100% into saving/reviving the marriage. In honesty, he did everything I asked: counseling, reading, my constant surveillance (being at home when not at work, checked in, etc) and answering hundreds of questions. Like you, I had never really worked and was desperate to maintain my lovely little middle-American life. I wanted so desperately to believe and have hope for our future, but a little voice within told me that all was not well. My attempts to squelch that voice were unsuccessful and led me to discover that H had never given up with OW – just become much more skilled at fooling me.

H recognized that I had been a good and loyal wife. He hated the fact of hurting me and to avoid causing me more pain, I believe he would have stayed in the marriage (while still loving her) indefinitely. Once I discovered that he had never stopped the A, I moved out. It was tough, especially in the beginning. But each day got better. My friends have been unbelievable and provided me with much needed support and companionship. Lean on your friends and be open to making new ones. I have four children (19-32) and while we did not share the sordid details of our troubles with them, they have been loving and supporting toward both of us.

Even though it was scary, I networked like crazy and found a temporary job. That ended last week and I am taking a class to brush up my skills. Working not only provides an income, but builds confidence and helps fill lonely hours.

It took a concerted effort, but I made sure to exercise and stay active. I threw myself into projects at home, ran, biked, and played golf with my friends. A tired body also helps with sleep. Most of all – don’t give up and don’t give in to self-pity. Yes, this situation totally stinks but I love life and my life is not over. Since filing for divorce, I have declined three date invitations. While I am not ready to see anyone else, it is heartening to know that a possibility of romance exists in my future.

Sorry this is so long but happiness is a choice. Wishing you contentment … Ivory

Hello Eeyore - I like your name by the way.  I am a BS and my wife had an 18 year A during our 30 year marriage - ending last Sept with D-day.  Well.. I think it ended.. the doubts still haunt me.  And yes, it all feels unfair and it is in worldly terms.  We lose our things ie our houses, our material benefits ie like money and all that it can buy.  But we do not lose our souls and our spirit.  We also find things like what is important in life like our essential goodness and that wonderful knowing that there is a whole network of other people out there that care for you and are actually the key to happiness.  And we learn, perhaps most importantly to be happy in ourselves and not depend on that other person or that dream we had of that other person and the dream we had of our lives as we wanted them to be.  Yes, we lose our dreams but we find truth and reality and that is where you can build happiness.  And finally, yes, we discover all these things whether we stay with our partner or not.  There is pain and suffering if you make it work and if you do not.  I am not sure there is any less either way.  The outcome however can be the same if you treat this affair as if it were the imposter it is.  It appears to be a devastating destructive and to happiness but in fact you have to embrace the pain and you will come through to find it can be the very making of you and your life.  Look around and notice how there are many in this life who have suffered terrible things.. and notice too that many of these people have been able to grown and find the essence of life and know their true loving hearts and find peace and happiness.

May you be peaceful and be happy

"And we learn, perhaps most importantly to be happy in ourselves and not depend on that other person or that dream we had of that other person and the dream we had of our lives as we wanted them to be."

WOW JERRY!

Over five years of my affair recovery can be summarized in that one sentence.


--
My H also lied for a long time after dday and during a time when I thought things were going well, I was trying to heal from all the pain and I thought he was working on reconnecting to our marriage.

He looked me in the eye and lied to me through my tears because it was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to find the courage to be a decent man. That hurt.

I always thought the lies were worse than the affair itself -- still do -- and they certainly took longer to get over.

-Susan

Eeyore
Something else occurred to me – it would be far worse to spend the rest of your life with a man who is in a marriage only because of loyalty, guilt, fear, or any reason other than love. When I am down, I wish I had never found out about the affair but in my heart I just knew that I no longer had his heart. Even when he backpedaled on wanting to leave me and seemed to be 100% committed to making the marriage work, a small voice within made me wary and suspicious. Had we continued the charade I think he would ultimately have become resentful about losing “the love of his life” and blamed me. How unfair for both of us to life such a hollow life.

Believe it or not, H is suffering more now than I am. It seemed that he always wanted me to be the one who decided, me to leave, me to be the “quitter” in the eyes of family and friends. Now that he has what he wanted, he acts pathetic and lost. Perhaps he has lived so long in limbo that the finality of our lives is hitting him square between the eyes.

Jerry gave good input into using this crisis as an avenue to expanding yourself and learning what really matters in life. Susan, you are right on about the lies (especially after coming clean about the A and plans to move) hurting more than losing his affection. He would tell me the honest details of the affair while lying about his feelings. Even plotted with the OW about how to throw me off track. I know he felt terrible guilt about my pain and can only hope that he continued to lie thinking that it was somehow a kindness rather than another deliberate infliction of suffering.

How long did your H's A continue while he pretended to be working on your M? I wish you well … Ivory

Thank you all.
I do realize that only I can make myself happy. I told Hubby that enough, I need to take my own advice. I do believe that I am morning an idea of how I felt marriage should be and hoped for.
Even though he is the only "family" I have here, I have a great support group of friends. My friends think I am doing great, heck, even the psychologist I saw was amazed at how well I was doing and told me he didn't think I needed to see him unless I wanted to. I like everything planned. I like to know what to expect before doing anything. I think that is why this week scares me so much. The next part of my life is unknown. I know I will get through it and come out better on the other end, it is just making that 1st step.

Ivory - To the best of my knowledge A ended in 2000 and didn't start up again until December of 2005. Although she continued to email him and try to contact him, he says he did not respond until last December. I did ask thim recently what specifically he feels he did to try to mend our marriage. His answer was "I tried to forget her". He had always refused MC.

Dee

First let me say how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation. Second let me tell you that your skills go far beyond that of food service. Raising children and taking care of a home give you management skills, mediation skills, budgeting skills, I can go on and on.

I think it's wonderful that you are going to take some classes at the local CC. Learn, grow and prosper.

Dawn