Greetings
H invited me for dinner and a conversation tonight. I went, expecting to discuss the divorce. We enjoyed a nice meal and just chatted about incidental things. By the time coffee was served he had still not broached any meaty topic and it was a struggle to hold my tongue. Finally he handed me an envelope and asked me to read it when I got home. He said that he hoped make amends for the events of the last several months. In our Jewish faith, Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) begins tomorrow at sundown. On Yom Kippur each person atones only for sins between man and God. To right sins against another person, before Yom Kippur one must first seek reconciliation and right the wrongs. I have been struggling all week with what I could do to make amends for my misdeeds toward H during the past year. Now I must find a way to acknowledge his expression of responsibility and regret.
The letter was poignant and very sad. I know how difficult it was for him to write these words and recognize his shortcomings. At one point, I would have celebrated receiving this acknowledgement but tonight I feel hollow. H is coming to the family dinner tomorrow night and I am struggling with how to respond.
Dear Ivonne,
Whether you move ahead in life together or apart, you each must first learn to forgive and accept forgiveness for yourself. When you can finally let go of the anger, the pain subsides, and your stress level diminishes. Forgiveness is not a cure; it's merely an avenue for peace.
And, to me, peace is first and foremost. Everything else will follow.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
Thanks JJ
Up until the holidays I have been doing really well - and would have considered myself content and generally happy (whatever that is). I feel well past anger and living a practically stress-free life (much less stress when you're single). Last year at this time, H was super-involved with the OW and, while I did not know it yet, I was so on edge with that gut feeling that something was amiss. It's funny how one's religious upbringing kicks in when times are tough. I have been very introspective of late and considered heavily the idea of forgiveness. I am well past acceptance but to forgive means removing the sense of having suffered a great wrong. Despite much prayer, thought, and consideration I am not yet able to truly forgive. But somehow I need to find words to express myself to H as I accept his apology but find my forgiveness tank on empty. Ivory
Everything I am about to say you probably already know, but since you are struggling, maybe a reminder will help.
From a strictly practical (non-religious) point of view, the benefits of forgiveness are more for us, the betrayed, than for the betrayer. We have to learn to forgive, regardless of whether or not the betrayers (WS and OW) ever get it or not. For now, forgive him for yourself, your own healing, your ability to move on. He will have to seek forgiveness on his own, with his Creator, his family and all the people he has betrayed and sinned against.
As far as him coming to dinner for the holiday, regardless of what you decide, it WILL be the right choice and you will handle yourself with dignity, grace and class.
The holidays are so hard in these situations. And there are more to come in the next couple of months. Hang in there, be kind to yourself, and know that you are doing the best that you can in very difficult circumstances.
Forgiveness does not mean that the atonement is done - that is with him. Forgiveness is not easy. In my experience just lately it came to me to offer it when I realised I could ease the suffering of my wife - I realised I had to make a statement of it to her and I found I could do this in a way I had not done before. What I found in myself was a lack of resentment and very little hurt.. Strange after all this time. I even felt tenderness and kindness and like I wanted to put my arms round my wife and say "there there it will be ok". I did not do the actions but I spoke the words. My only fear is that she may mistake my words for "OK it's all over now and we will be fine".. This is very far from the situation and my other actions of operating a kind of separation from her when I am in this house (our old home) speaks for where I am. Like you I now feel almost single.. strange but I can feel that odd sort of .. well.. freedom and the space to breathe.. and relax.. as you say. And I need this space. Part of my ability to offer forgiveness comes from a real understanding that we may or may not work things out.. with the new realisation that we may not. Something about my ability to offer forgiveness comes from a last desperate clinging on to my past marriage... by my finger nails. I have let this go almost completely now. And, I will say that nothing is complete.. nothing is perfectly finished.. perhaps nothing ever is.. so the old feelings of hurt, shame and regret creep in and give me reminders of where I have been at times during this last year. So... the atonement is his for the A. But forgiveness can be given by you.
I would think of your relationship now more in terms of what is good in it.. and you will always be bound together by your relationship to your beautiful family.. and even his family. Let me tell you two things that have struck me recently related to this. First I spoke to a woman who's husband had left her 3 months previously - she had one child of 4 years old. She said to me that she could never see her H in only a bad light as he had given her the most wonderful thing in her life (her D). Second I went to the funeral of my uncle and there was a cousin of mine that I have always felt an empathy with. She had been divorced now for some 15 years or so and her xH was there and his brother too.. and we had a good chat and he and his brother spoke so lovingly and kindly about my cousin. Our ties of marriage/ partnership are like this.. one way or another we are all bound together. It does not mean because a marriage ends that we cannot continue to .. well love but in a different way. We know and love these people our WSs and why should we not love them with all their failings too.. It does not mean we take them back is intimate partners.
May you and all your family and friends at this time be safe and well, contented and happy
Forgiveness is a process, not a one time event. Have you not already begun to forgive? Ask yourself where you are in the letting go department today, compared to 3 months ago. Was it not long ago that you relented to having your H over for a holiday when you would have rather he had not come? A level of forgiveness is required to do this. Lets look at the letter. You received it with compassion and opened yourself up to the words your H struggled so hard to write. You recognized how difficult it must have been for him to do so, this is another level of forgiveness. It seems to me that the level of forgiveness you are ready to give your H might be a heartfelt thank you and acknowledgement of the significance of the letter.
I have a great respect for the power of yours and others religious faith. I recognize how much it helps a follower particularly in times of sorrow, trauma and life altering events. Your faith is meant to ease your pain, I would guess that any level of forgiveness you are ready to give would be acceptable. Even the idea of being open to it. Then again I know very little about your religion, so forgive me if I have miss spoke.
I'm going to put a plug in again for Janis Abram Spring's book "How Can I Forgive You?" because she makes a very interesting case for the concept of acceptance rather than forgiveness. We can learn to accept a situation and behaviors but not forgive them, and in doing so, achieve a sense of peace that we lacked before the acceptance process. It may be something that can help you I., as you seem to be struggling a great deal with feeling obligated to forgive your WS because he has written you this letter.
Don't give forgiveness before you are ready; otherwise, it is meaningless.
I am sure the letter validated many of your feelings, as you knew how hard it was for your H to admit such things and acknowledge the pain he has caused you. I am sure you are having some very mixed feelings right now. I think that would be perfectly normal given the circumstances.
Please let us know how things went. You are in my thoughts and prayers ....Carol~
------------------------------------------
FF (oh wise one with the wand),
I have ordered the book! I loved what she wrote in "After The Affair" about forgiveness, especially about forgiving yourself first, and that the WS needs to earn forgiveness. And what Ami wrote is all true as well, like healing, forgiveness is a process and comes in steps and stages. We may be able to forgive a little at a time, but complete forgiveness is ongoing and can take a life time in some cases. Of course forgiveness depends on so many factors, just as healing does. Right now I am just working on forgiving myself first and I am open to letting H earn my forgiveness...even if it takes a life time.
Greetings
Well, I survived the holidays. H was among my guests for Yom Kippur. He was gracious with the family and friends. We talked privately for almost two hours after my guests left. It was the most honest he has been in a long while - or at least I hope that he was. H's apology seemed heartfelt and sincere but I am still so skeptical of him that it is difficult to accept anything he says as truth. Even though I feel strong and am moving along well, I still desperately need this closure. It makes me feel pathetic and pitiful to admit that, but closure is what my heart requires in order to close out the past 32 years and begin anew.
Thanks for all your support. In the Jewish faith, this is such an introspective time of year. I feel blessed in so many ways and look forward to this year with faith and hope. Ivory
