I haven't posted here in a long time, but I wanted to post my story from the one year out perspective. A lot has changed for my FWS and I, things are so very good, I wanted to pass that positive message on to others. Choosing to reconcile was the best possible thing for us.
Some background on me. My family is the epitome of dysfunctional. Mom has been married 5 times to 5 absolute winners. And divorced every 5 years from the time I was 5 until I was 15. Needless to say, I never had a positive marriage to look at and know how to have one. My mom’s answer to marital problems, DIVORCE. Walk away, never look back, don’t try to work anything out. Or have an affair, she did that at least twice, during marriage #3 and marriage #4. I got to go along for the ride called MOM”S MARRIAGES until I was 18. While she was still in marriage #4, I moved across the country to get away from the drama that was (and still is) my mother’s life. So, what did I learn from the mess of my mom’s life? I learned to bottle up my feelings and never talk about what was bothering me, the answer to marital problems is divorce, always hide your true feelings and a plethora of other stuff to numerous to list.
I met H when I was 16, started dating when I was 17, he followed me to AZ when I was 19, we got married when I was 21, started having kids right away and let the next 12 years fly by.
A lot of issues built up between us, but between my screwed up upbringing and his inability to communicate, we didn’t really know how to deal with even the everyday crap. Our way of dealing with problems? Ignore them. We were fantastic at conflict avoidance. Both of us. The last 7 years of our marriage were particularly bad, for both of us. I shut down, pushed him away and threw myself into my work and my kids. He became angrier and angrier, very difficult to live with, and more and more withdrawn. But there was no way in hell I was getting a divorce, I had already been through enough of those (thanks Mom!). So things just got steadily worse. I was miserable, he was miserable, we were two people pretending to be married while living completely separate lives.
August 27, 2005: We got into yet another fight, over of all things, a spilled glass of water. I left the house (God forbid I talk to him) and didn’t come home until much later in the afternoon. He got on the computer and started posting profiles on internet sites, looking for a married woman who wanted to fill the “mutual void” in their marriages with a discreet relationship. And he found one. I don’t know exactly when he found her, though I do know which website, but find her he did. They talked via e-mail and IM for a few weeks. Until she asked if he was ready to meet.
The first time they met, it was in the middle of the night in a dark parking lot. They had sex in the back of her mini-van. She gave him oral sex, because he was having trouble maintaining an erection. They met again 4 more times, twice at the house of a friend H had a key too, once in a hotel room she rented, and once at the business we own together while I was at church.
And what was I doing during all this? I would love to say I suspected, but I was so dumb and naïve and convinced “He would never do that to me!” that I continued living my life. I would watch TV in our room, or go to bed early and read. I worked early and had 3 kids to get up, get ready and take care of. I was usually asleep by 9:30 or 10 most nights. H was staying up late, in the living room, watching TV or movies. Or so I thought. He was actually on the computer. He talked to her while he was at work during the day, as soon as I left for work in the morning, and anytime he could get on the computer when I wasn’t around. I look back now and I see the signs. The history was always cleared on his computer, windows were always minimized if I walked into the room after he thought I was asleep. Once, after he had surgery, I brought him home and was then going to run out to get his meds and food for him. But he wanted me to help him to the computer, not lay down on the couch, because he needed to check some stuff for work. So, I did. And 2 minutes after I left, he was on IM with her. Or the time he had to go to work on a Saturday (his day off) 2 ½ hours before it even opened (hotel meet -barf- ). The 5 week time span of the affair was the most miserable of our marriage. H’s anger had increased tenfold. He wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. I couldn’t remember the last time he told me he loved me. I cried myself to sleep at night thinking it was me. But I still never thought he was having an affair.
To say the revelation of the affair took me by surprise would be an understatement. I really had no clue. I walked out of my front door on Friday, October 28, 2005 to clean out my van. As I stood in the driveway, a man pulled up and gestured me over. I figured he was lost and needed directions. I know I walked over with a smile on my face. He then asked me if ***** was my husband? I said yes and then he asked me if he worked at ****? I said yes again. Then he said the words that have forever changed my life: “I just thought you should know your H was having an affair with my W.” I literally felt my face fall. It took all of my self-control not to crumple to the ground. I stood there in shock, saying nothing. He started to tell me stuff, but all I remember was him saying they met on a website and they had sex. Nothing else would stick in my brain. Nothing. And he just kept sitting there looking at me. I don’t know what he was waiting for, but he just sat there, and he actually had a smug look on his face. I finally asked him why he was telling me and his answer: “Your H ruined my life so I wanted to ruin his.” It was then that I turned away, said “I have to go” and walked off. OW’s H waited a couple of seconds and then drove away.
H got home and I immediately confronted him. He denied it. But his hands were shaking and he would not look me in the eye. And he never said, “I didn’t do it,” more like “I’m not leaving” or “I’m not going anywhere.” But I was so desperate to believe it wasn’t true, I believed him. Except things were clicking into place, puzzle pieces were falling where they were supposed to go. And damn it, H never looked me in the eye. My heart knew it was true.
After I got the kids to bed, I sat on the couch waiting for H to say something, anything. But he didn’t. Not a word. But, I didn’t say anything either. Which was actually quite typical of us. No talking, no confrontation. Shove it away and ignore it. I finally went to bed, knowing there would be no sleep for me. I lay there sobbing. H came to bed, pulled me close to him and stayed that way all night. I fitfully slept off and on most of the night. H never left my side.
The next morning, after a sleepless night for both of us, he admitted the truth. Every thing we each had kept bottled up for 7 long years came out. That was the longest day of my life. I remember going to the store at one point during the day, and I kept thinking everyone was looking at me and that they all knew my H had cheated on me. The next day was my daughter’s birthday, we had a family dinner planned and I had to sit there and smile my way through it. I was mortified. I told everyone I had been feeling ill (which was most definitely true!).
The affair was over before I found out. OW’s H found out, the same day my H contacted the OW to tell her that he wanted to end it. OW’s H told me less than two weeks later. H had no further contact with OW. She sent a few emails to his “secret” email account, but he deleted them without reading them, then closed the account. I never saw or met or talked to the OW. Her H tried contacting me via notes on my car and front door for a while after d-day. I ignored them at first. Then, he put one on the front door (where my 11 year old found it) which went into explicit detail about the affair. And then the letter became very flattering and weird, cumulating in him offering to have revenge sex with me. I got his email address, and sent a terse, short, “please leave me alone” note. I was so upset. Now, I realize he was just hurt and angry and acting out. Probably reaching out to the other person he thought might understand. Me. But I could not emotionally deal with that. I could barely get myself through a day, let alone be supportive of someone else, a perfect stranger to me.
Over the next couple months, things came slowly to the surface in regards to the affair. H answered all my questions, never lied. After a while, I quit asking. I got to a point where I just didn’t need to know anymore. I had all the answers I wanted. But even now, a year later, if I need an answer, he gives it to me.
H is like a different man. There was an immediate change in him after d-day. It’s almost hard to describe. And it hasn’t ended. For awhile, I had that “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling. It never dropped. I have spent a lot of time in introspection. I know there were things about me that were difficult to live with. I am working to change them. For my marriage. Not because H cheated on me, but because I need to change them to make my part of the marriage a success, so together, our marriage is a success. It’s working too, for both of us. Reconciliation has been the best thing for both of us. I honestly love H more today, then I did 17 years ago. And he woke up and realized he loved me, not the image he created of me that I couldn’t uphold. We let go of the pain and the anger that had built up over 12 years of marriage. And we are so much better off for it.
Cappuccinos have always been my favorite coffee drinks, but I'm not so sure after reading your post. I think vanilla lattes will have to be my favorite from now on!
Thank you for sharing your very sweet, inspiring story.
! Thank you for sharing that with us!
