I used to be on this Forum when my wife deserted and betrayed me and it's been almost 2 years now. The pain that I feel about it is still very strong in me. Some days I cry so deeply with emotional pain and it doesn't seem to ever go away. A few days ago my ex-wife walked in front of me at a store and I had not seen her since April 2005. I had to chase her down to talk to her. I yelled her name and she ignored me so I went to her. The adrenelin was so strong in me. When I caught up to her, I really didn't know what to say. She faked by saying she didn't notice me (a definite lie), and she was so nervous. Talked about my knees which needed medical attention while we were married. I realized how totally shallow she was, and I could only look at her and finally told her I would "see you around". The thing that amazed me was how old she was looking (she is 47). The wrinkles in her face and the stress that was there. She has been living with a total piece of dung who doesn't work, for all of this whole time. Since Jan. 2005. I don't feel she is happy. I have cried about this constantly since all of this happened. I feel that I am so sick emotionally. I am so lost and there is such a huge void in my life. I don't feel anything, for anyone. The sad thing, is that I finally brought my son home from prison. 7 years in there and I love him so much and am glad he is home, but I can't be a good father to him because of the hollowness within me. I have suffered such great emotional pain through my ex-wife. It has devastated my life and I wish so much to feel better in my life, but it doesn't seem to come. Even now I want to cry just writing this. I am a big macho, retired fireman, and I cannot stop crying and thinking about her. I pray for God to bring us back to together - I love her so much. It doesn't seem reasonable, but I want this. I am so messed up, so completely sick inside. I hope I can find friends here, to help me. When I was on here in the early stages they were so good to me, and I am sure that it is still that way. Sorry for writing so much.

I may be a bit like you John - I feel lost and unreal - and very unloved and worthless - and even worse than this I feel I am the cause of harm.  In my case I feel as if I may be selfish and unfeeling.  I feel sick in my stomach when I feel these things.

The strange thing right now is that I simply can't take advice.  Everyone says the same thing to me - They tell me to look after me - to care for me - To move on - To get out of the mess, out of the confused and lost state.  Everyone seems to know what to do except me. 

So, I don't know what advice to give you - Except the advice I have received.  If you take it then that is up to you.  I am certainly having trouble taking it.

One last thing:  Someone said to me this morning that I probably did not really know my wife very well (she is WS by the way).  And.. I though to myself "yes I do"... Then I reflected a moment and realised that I did not really know her.  It could be the same for you.  For me I seem to keep clinging on to things my  mind says make sense ie like I know her or even to tell me what my feelings should be.. eg for the first six monhts after D day my mind went into a spin saying "Well, you must love her and she must love you after all you have been together for 30 years"... But now I realise I need to spend less time in my mind and try to feel and follow my heart.. Feel what I feel in my body.  That is one piece of advice I am trying to follow.

May you be safe and well, happy and content.

I think reading (or listening to it on tape) "After the Affair" would really help you; especially the section on unrequited love.

Sorry you're hurting so badly.


Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ

...thanks for calling in, and I'm sorry you are still hurting. I know your W left so suddenly, and was hoping that you might be hurting less by now. I don't have too much to say except that I've been thinking of you and you're welcome to email me any time.

Hang in there John. It does get better.

C

John,

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I would like to offer a couple of suggestions. You mentioned that you just brought your son home from Prison after 7 years. This is a new beginning for your son, he will have several obstacles in life and will need a lot of love and support in the near future. I wish you would consider putting the energy you have in that task. Try to concentrate on his and your own new beginning. Try to think of it as a rebirth. Also, you mentioned that you pray that God will bring you and your ex wife back together. I am a firm believer in the power of prayer, but instead of praying for a reconcilation, pray for the strength to move on with or without her. I'm not much into Country Music however there is a song by Garth Brooks which says something about some of God's greatest gifts being unanswered prayers.

I know it's hard, but please try to focus on you and your son. Focus on rebuilding a relationship with him and helping him along his new journey through life....along with yours.

Dawn

It's hard when they just walk away and ditch you like dirty trash. It is hard to face the reality that you meant that little to them. It is hard to get out of bed some days and be productive. It is hard to run into friends and relatives that don't know and those that do just give you that look of pity. TRUST ME John as I have been there too........at 2 years post dday I felt alot like you.

The truth of the matter is it did start looking better after about 2 years and 6 months. I stopped remembering and started forgetting and forgiving. I made huge strides in working on me and letting go. I am now at 4 years past dday and 3.5 years since he left and I am doing okay.

Sometimes I am lonely and it hurts so I cry. I am okay with that, its just what I happened to need to do at that moment. For the most part there is still an empty hole where there should be love....but I am okay with that now too - at least until I find somebody to fill the hole up.

I have started to trust people (friends, coworkers, etc) again. I have started my own rituals, routines and traditions. I feel comfortable walking into a restaurant and having dinner just myself. I feel like I have made my peace with the exH even though I never really had closure or a chance to say goodbye....never really had an explanation why. That tore at me for a long time!

I remember feeling so pitiful. I must be some sort of "special" person to be discarded without a second thought for something way less than attractive. He dumped her too, so really I was discarded for nothing.

I had some time to think about why he left and would never accept responsibility. I had time to accept that it really wasn't my fault. I had time to realize there was nothing more I could have done to save my marriage.

The fact is he ran away and he is still running. He recently moved 1800 miles across to the other side of Canada - I honestly think he did that because he needed a fresh start without the baggage, but we all know it just follows you around like a lost puppy until you deal with it.

I have now FINALLY got my divorce and am doing well.......you will too very soon. Please hang in there. WE are here for you!

Hugs
Kid

p.s. I just wanted to say one other thing - allow yourself permission to grieve. It is okay to cry and have bad days, just know that if it happens all the time you should seek doctors care. It is okay to be sad occasionally. This has been a huge life changing event.

For me, I couldn't go back to my old life and be the person I was. My wife's affair made me a different person.

Maybe part of your feelings have to do with the loss of yourself, not the loss of your W. Truth is, she never was yours to begin with. The person she was/is is not the person you thought she was. Unfortunately you invested your feelings and your life in an illusion.

So now the illusion is gone, and you are stuck with yourself. Because that investment in her was such a part of who you were, you feel lost. Now it turns out that you are gone - or maybe you are not who you thought you were.

My advice is to work at discovering who YOU are. Change YOU. Do something different, strike out in a new direction. For me, nothing is as envigorating as a new challenge. Start a new hobby. Change your job. Change the way you dress. Learn a new language. Travel if you can afford to. Buy a motorcycle - a Harley maybe, if you knees can handle it. Leave your old self behind and make a new life for your new self.

As usual, the response on this forum is so wonderful. The time I posted the message, I believe I had seen my ex wife after 2 years. It was traumatic, yet freedom as well. She look old, wrinkled and unhappy. I felt strong and in control. That was a plus to me. I never got closure or a real reason why she left, except the bullcrap she dished out to selfishly blame me so that she could leave feeling justified. I feel by now, she realizes her stupidity. I have often thought that the woman I think about, doesn't really exist anymore. An illusion like you have said. Even though I have sad days, there are good days too. A year and half ago, it didn't seem possible. Everyone said better days are coming. It was hard to perceive. However - God saves us - always!!! Better days are coming in. I am so lucky to be able to converse with wonderful people such as all of you on this forum. I wish you all so much happiness in your life. We all should see life more clearly than our betrayers. Through our pain, we are triumphant! They get to wallow in their pathetic lives - always striving for the real love that they missed because of their own blindness. I have always thought how odd it is for a person to leave a love relationship and go to another. They are missing the point - aren't they! At least we know it. Thank you all for being so kind and giving me your wonderful advice. God bless you all.

P.S. Coventrie would you email me. Let me know through here if you don't have my address. I have misplaced yours. I would like to know how you are coming out.

Ken Wrote:
For me, I couldn't go back to my old life and be the person I was. My wife's affair made me a different person.

Maybe part of your feelings have to do with the loss of yourself, not the loss of your W. Truth is, she never was yours to begin with. The person she was/is is not the person you thought she was. Unfortunately you invested your feelings and your life in an illusion.

So now the illusion is gone, and you are stuck with yourself. Because that investment in her was such a part of who you were, you feel lost. Now it turns out that you are gone - or maybe you are not who you thought you were.


I can't think of a better way to put it for my situation too.

James