The Married Man Trap
By Melissa Balmer
Recently a new female reader wrote to me and asked me to write about how a woman can seduce a married man. I have to be honest - I cringed at the thought. While it may sound very exciting to become involved in a sexual tryst or even a romance with a married man, the truth is no one wins. If you’re toying with the idea here are some thoughts I’d like you to consider before taking any rash actions:
There’s No Lack Of Single Men
There are now more single people than there have ever been before. In fact, the number of single people is closing in on the number of married people with a difference of only a few million. This has never happened before in the modern age, and perhaps ever. That means there are plenty of available single men. The media hasn’t kept up very well with the fact that there are just as many single men as women now. Women don’t need to panic about their single status – regardless of their age.
Do You Value Him Only Because He’s Taken?
I know, I know for every woman who’s contemplating some sort of romantic and/or sexual relationship there’s a particular story and every woman thinks her story is unique. It isn’t. Yes, it may be possible that this man is your own true love that you lost due to bad communication (or events out of your control) back in High School, but more likely it’s just a crush. If this man is your one true love and you’ve found each other again only after he’s been married to someone else than he needs to at least file his divorce paper work before the two of you get together. If he doesn’t want to get divorced because of his children or money matters than understand clearly that those two items are more important to him now than you are.
If, more likely, what you’re experiencing is a crush than you need to ask yourself what the crush is really about. Women find married men alluring for a myriad of reasons. Are you really that physically, mentally and emotionally attracted to him or do you like the challenge of stealing someone else’s man? Some women love the game. Okay, but put yourself in the wife’s shoes. Someday you too may be married, do you want someone looking at your husband this way?
It may be, however, that he’s simply your “ideal” husband type and you think subconsciously that if he can be so great in his current marriage he’d be fantastic married to you. He might be, but you’ll have to live with the black cloud of breaking up his marriage for the duration of yours – and it will be a black cloud, especially if he has children.
Finally you may be trying to get back at your own father. Did your Dad leave your mother for another woman when you were growing up? Are you sure you’re not just playing out a sort of revenge fantasy? Sound strange? It happens more often than you think.
What Starts As Fun Quickly Isn’t
A married man (or even a man living with another woman in a committed relationship) simply isn’t as available as a single man. Oh sure, in the beginning your afternoon trysts at some motel on the outskirts of town are thrilling – or the luxurious weekend away because he’s on a business trip, but when you’re in a romantic and sexual relationship you want to be together – and with a married man that’s not going to be very often. Don’t you want someone who’s available when you need him? Don’t you want someone who can wine and dine you, and spend time with you on the major holidays? Don’t you want to be with someone you can have sex with whenever you’re in the mood? Once the initial spark has sizzled it’s likely things with a married man are going to end up in a routine that leaves you behind the wife and kids and not very happy or fulfilled.
Don’t Believe He’s Ready To Leave Her
Sad but true, no matter what sob story a man tells you about how horrible his marriage is, how miserably misunderstood he is, how long it’s been since the last time he had sex, a man isn’t ready to leave until he moves out and files for divorce. It really is that simple. Men can play the drama queen about the challenges in the romantic life when they want to, and married men usually want to if it means getting a new attractive woman into bed and paying attention to them. Yes, his life at home may really suck – but he’s got to take action to end that relationship before he starts up with you or he just may never leave.
As Dr. Phil rightly and dramatically pointed out to the “other” woman on his show wondering when her married lover would finally keep his promise and leave his wife “…a man will move mountains to get to the women he loves and wants…” No matter how charming your married man is actions speak louder than words. If he’s left her and filed divorce papers he’s serious, if he hasn’t he isn’t. It’s that simple.
If He Leaves Once He Can Leave Again
If you’re going after a married man with the idea of marrying him and starting a family remember that if he’s left one family he can do it again. You aren’t safe just because you’re new. You’re not always going to be new, and no matter how attracted the two of you are now there’s going to be trials and tribulations on the road ahead. There are men who are simple in love with the beginning of romances when everything is hot and perfect and they exit stage left when real life dawns. Just as easily as you won this man from his previous wife another woman (even younger than you) could soon win him next.
Basically it boils down to the question of “why aren’t you worth your very own man”? Yes, it may take more effort to find him, or even to wait for the one you want to be single, but in the long run it’s worth it.
