I havn't been here in awhile but have read a few things today and I hope that you are doing well. You are such a strong person and I admire you so much.

Ido want to tell you that I had the same anger twords my H and the OW. I finally got it out though. I told him I didn't like her any longer (which makes me wonder why I would in the first place) that she took something from me even though they may not have seen it. She wanted my life...my husband and what he had to offer...compansion, time, a listening ear and obviously more than what he should have. When I realized that the anger wasn't all about her I took a look at my H. The things he would say would contradict what he did. I finally couldn't stand to listen to him and finally said something. When I did point out what his actions were and what he saying he saw what he had done. I felt so much better after I told him because he just didn't see it. The look on his face would tell it all. It was like "oh my, what did I do" or I didn't think about it that way. Just saying that when I got things off my chest things started to improve.

I wish you the best.

Laura

Laura, 

Thank you for your post. I am glad that you are doing so much better.

I have told my H the last few days exactly what I think about what OW did.  How she came in after all the hard work was done at the pizzeria and expected to reep all the benefits without doing any of the work.  H didnt say a word...he just listened. You know, I think that's what is hurting right now, that he doesnt see what she and he has done to me and the marriage.  He gets parts of it, but he doesnt get it all the way, not YET anyway.  Everyone says I need to give him more time.  I am trying to be patient.  I have been trying to stick up for myself and take care of me and at the same time I am trying to make sure that H does his part. And that is where the problem is.  You cannot force someone to see or do something they cant. I know this all too well. So now, the last few days I am just telling him how I feel.  He can do what he wants with that information but I am not going to remain silent anymore just to spare his feelings.  If he feels guilty that is not my fault.  He did what he did and he needs to be accountable for that.  If he cannot, then maybe it is time to re-evaluate this reconcilliation.  I need to take care of me.

Take Care...Carol~

>You cannot force someone to see or do something they cant. I know this all too well. So now, the last few days I am just telling him how I feel. He can do what he wants with that information but I am not going to remain silent anymore just to spare his feelings. If he feels guilty that is not my fault. He did what he did and he needs to be accountable for that. If he cannot, then maybe it is time to re-evaluate this reconcilliation. I need to take care of me.

Carol, what excellent words. Hold strong to your conviction, especially that you share your feelings whenever they come. Find the appropriate time to share these feelings, but don't let them go for too long. I believe that there will be times when your husband rebels against them, but I don't think you should let that stop you. In time he will learn that he needs to hear them and listen to them and your relationship will improve.

TomJ

Thank you Tom for the encouragement.  I really appreciate it

Take Care...Carol~

I think you are so right on here. But, Tom J,, can you expand on this? Is this a "normal" response?

Hope

Carol,

I am glad to hear that you are telling your husband how you feel. It doesn't do any good to hold it in because he can't understand you if you don't tell and it makes you miserable to keep it all in. that is how it was for us anyway.

About trying to make him understand. You are right, there is no way of doing that. It took my husband quite awhile to get where he is today. And he had to do it himself. That is why I had to give him that chance to talk to her. Because I know what he is like, he would have never stopped because I was telling him he had too. I took a chance, a huge chance, but I knew if he didn't do it on his own then it would have continued.

I have to run my daughter to the busstop, I'll write more later.

Laura