its been 2 years this christmas and i still cant get over the EA that hppened between my H and this OW....

i just feal hurt.
i found a comment from her on H's msn....
she was flirting with him. and ya...
i dont knwo.

i dont kow if i want to R or to try.
WH and i had a fight, and he said if i keep brining it up he wont R and will move back to his parents.

I just dont knwo anymore...

Two years doesn't mean anything if your spouse hasn't worked to rebuild the trust and intimacy of the marriage. Time elapsed while waiting for real and substantial efforts that show remorse and humility only help to build resentment.

One thing I don't understand from your post is whether your husband was also flirting with the OW. While her message is understandable upsetting, and there is a good chance that your husband could have been doing things that encouraged her to act out in this way, I think it's also important to only place blame with our spouses for the things they did, or the things they should have done but failed to do.

Please explain more about what occured in your husband's relationship with this woman that is causing your feelings of hurt and betrayal.

TomJ

two years ago we became good friends with a girl who worked at the flight school he went to at the time. He is still learning to be a comerical polot

well i found out that he thought the receptionist was hot.
well we became friends with said receptionist, and she spent LOT of time with us, hagning out, going to dinner, and bars and drinking.
We threw her a 19th birthday party becouse she had no other friends in town..

Well that christmas i knew something was gong on. He went out driving with her at 11pm on christmas eve and came home about 4 am christmas morning.

I had a breakdown and ended up in the psych ward, well he spent every day i was in there with her, non stop, driving around. Not what i wanted.

and when i got out, who was it that drove me home from the hosptial, her and my husband....

i left shortly after, i had papers reddy to go for a devorce, i got really sick wiht a rare illness and was unable to work, unablet o function, and it was hard.


i let him back in my life he said he would go NC but that dident last, we ended up starting to hang out with her wehen she was going through a hard time, and i forgave her and we would only hang out with her together, she would never been with my husband alone. Well that was intill recently

we moved to another province in canada, one over, and well hubbie has been tlaking to her on MSN, So i checked the coverstatons last week and i found out that she was flirting with him.

i sent her a message asking what she ment by "thats not what you said 2 years ago :P " and i got no reply, then she called my husbands cell, and he was asleep so he dident remember anything of the conversation. He said he was sleeping, and hung up.


hubbie and i went to dinner a fe nights ago to try to R everything, well he got angry woudlent tell me why, and ya, i ended up balling in the bathroom.

he agreed to go NC, im hoping that it will last, becouse im not sure if i can deal..
My husband also said if i keep bringing up the EA that he will leave, but how am i suposed to heal if i cant bring it up?


OH and i fogot to mention, the OW got married ths last summer,. and we found out she is under age, and that when we first met her she was 15 and when she had the EA with my hubbie she was only 16 and i could get in crap for having her aound us and drinking and other things...

sigh

OH and her husband left her the day after i confronted her, But then again we have seen her flirting wtih another friend of mine while married.... SO i feal bad for her husband,but what can i do....

It sounds that, at a minimum, your husband is guilty of breaking the no contact rule recently. His breaking of no contact is betrayal of it's own. It may be related to the original incident, but it is it's own event.

I would like to caution you on accepting the claim that his relationship with this girl has been only emotional. The activities you described lead me to believe that more could have gone on. Of course, if more did occur and she was underage, your husband could be subjected to some very serious issues in the future. You should know sooner rather than later if more actually did occur. Of course, I have no way of knowing what did occur, but many WS later reveal that more occurred than they initially confessed. Your story certain shows that there was ample opportunity for that to have happened.

It seems reasonable that your husband should permanently end all contact with the OW, and that he will make it abundantly clear to her that this is HIS wish and HIS desire. However, it sounds like he presently would like to continue his relationship with this girl. I believe he needs to understand that he is making a choice that will have significant repercussions later in his life. While you have to decide what those repercussions will be in your marriage, you also need to communicate to him very clearly what you expect they will be. Also, keep in mind that any repercussions that you "promise" should be things that you are willing to follow through on if he doesn't meet your expectations.

One of the things that you find in recovery is that the WS often want the issue to go away, and they become defensive when it is discussed. This is their problem with the affair, not the problem of the BS. While there are things that BS needs to do (for example, not abusing the WS through the infidelity), discussion of the affair is a constructive thing.

TomJ

thanks Tomj....

its hard...

i also feal bad for the OW as she is going through issues, and her husband left her becouse she was saying things to another man....


DH and i went out today, and it was great, i had to go to the dr's becouse i have been so stressed in the last week of finding out i have been having bloody stool.... so i have to go on prednisone again for 2 weeks, and im worried i will gain weight back. I have lost over 85 lbs in a year....

DH and i had a long talk, and we went for lunch and i told him a few things that i respect about him...

Going through the love and respect book and work book i now understand that he needs respect and i need love... but women are made to love, and men are made to respect, so its hard for men to show love...
I know i need him to show me more love, but he shows that he respects me....


i put a keyloger on the computer becouse im not sure if i trust him yet. I love him, i respcet a lot of things about him, but im hurt, and im not willing to be hurt again....

thanks so much, i just found this site two nights ago....

Soul,

I am so happy you posted,

Tom has given you a wonderful response as will others,

Yes men need respect, women need respect too...and all need love.

(((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."