This morning, I needed to call the place where OM #4 works--the premature ejaculator (a big thanks to my W for the detailed sexual performance report); the bastard who was once my friend who later told me he'd ALWAYS love my W. I was hoping he wouldn't be the one to answer the phone. Of course, it was him who answered. Just the sound of his voice (which I haven't heard in many years) was an immense trigger.

I just hung up without saying a word. I needed to take the rest of today off, as I'm ill with a bad head cold, and this incident was the icing on my cake. The phone call was important to my work, so I had to delegate it to a co-worker, with some lame excuse as to why I couldn't make the call.

I have not discussed this with my W, nor do I intend to, as the results will be predictably horrible for me--sullen silent treatment at best, which has been known to last for weeks at a time (one time was 6 months..). I don't even want to see her face right now; I'm typing this from a relative's house, who lives nearby.

It made me realize how neurotic/obsessive I must be to be hanging onto this sh!t for so long.....
I feel like a failure to myself, to my own recovery and I need to get off the goddamn pity pot before I get flushed away. I'm so great at doling out advice to others here on HH, and utterly unable to fix myself.

To those of you with truly remorseful spouses, please take stock and build on that; it's a good place to start one's recovery journey. As for me, I'm flyin' solo.....
BB

I am sorry for and with you BB

may you be safe and well

BB,

Sorry you are having a bad day.

I totally understand how you felt when you made that call and then heard his voice on the other end. I too would have hung up as well. I recently had a missed call on a phone and when I called the number back heard the vmail of one of my H's OW. It made me sick and I wanted to talk to H about it that night, but instead the focus was on H as he was fired from his job that day due to OW4. (Whenever I seem to have an issue - it always gets over-shadowed by something of H's.)

I can relate to what you mean in regard to being able to give advice on HH, but for me - sometimes I cant even take the advice that I would give. I know it is easier to offer up the advice than to take it myself.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Each rollercoaster is different. I would read posts on here about where folks we at in their ride and feel like I should be there too, but I realized... There is no timeline. Each of us and our WS react to things in our own way. No two are the same and no two situations are the same.

You have come a long way BB. Give yourself some credit! Triggers will happen and we just need to take them in stride.

Hugs to you and I hope your cold gets better soon as well!

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

You are an honorable, worthy, decent, respectful, wonderful man.

You have been through hell and back.

The advice you give to others is fair, honest, heartfelt and objective.

The self advice you take is that of a man who loves deeply.

She needs to earn your devotion and for years of pain you continue to love her.

There is no logic, but there is a huge amount of appreciation for the person you are. We see you as a caring friend. One whom we all respect and are grateful to share the Healing experience. Your words of wisdom have helped many.

I just want you to see yourself through our eyes and know you are appreciated and cherished.

El

BB,
I am sorry for your cruddy day. Those days really suck. I just don't know what to do with days like that. I hope you feel a little better tomorrow.

(((hugs)))
Jetta

And all of my cyberfamily on HH, it's just good to know there are kindred souls who know EXACTLY what I mean, and how it feels to walk around with an arrow in the heart. No therapist nor friend has the level of understanding and acceptance found here. HH is my sole outlet for externalizing this chronic personal problem.

I really don't mean to villify my W so. She is a good person in so many other ways. She just will never take responsibility or show remorse for the cheating and I need to accept this without flinching or self-pity anymore. It's too destructive to do otherwise.

I hope I get to meet some of you guys in person someday, & give y'all a REAL hug!
BB

Oh BB - I am so with you! None of us mean to villify our WS in any way. You know, funny thing - that is why I am here on HH. I didnt want my family to think he was a complete a**, so I come here to talk and vent about him and our relationship. I shelter my family from how awful he has been. I think it is safe to say that we can talk about our WS here and every person on here can understand what we mean - we are not trying to make them out to be the bad person, but they just happen to be at that moment for us.

It sounds as though you are at a crossroads. Only you know what you can live with in your relationship. (I have to say that it ticks me off to hear WS that stay in their marriage to not be remorseful. URRR! I dont understand it. Does anyone understand this?)

Thinking of you in this time of self search.

Hope your cold is better as well!

Hugs,

Coral

"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."

Blue, you are not a failure, mate, not at ALL. ANYBODY would still be hanging onto this baggage in the face of a completely unrepentant partner like yours. This isn't your failure, it's hers. Unless she can discuss this stuff openly and honestly recognise the damage she caused (and continues to cause), then unfortunately this is not going to move on. You can't heal and let go, because you aren't being allowed to. As you know, it takes two to tango.

Personally, I admire your tenacity, and your willingness to put up with as much as you have - it shows a hell of a lot of fortitude and character - your W is lucky to have such a dedicated, committed H, even if she doesn't realise it.

It's a bump in the road, man. But I know you will soldier on.

I do wonder, however, how many years of this festering you will be able to stand before you are compelled to lance the boil. No-one can take it forever. Then again, maybe you can - people are amazing, as I have seen in this forum.

Stay strong, you aren't alone.

Dave