Working very very hard for almost one year. Reconciled several months ago. Still struggling with the pain and memories. Triggers appear everywhere and when I least expect them. Depression is always right below the surface ready to emerge full force at any moment.
H appears truly sorry for the A. He gives me the time and room I need to heal. Realizes that he broke my heart and it will take a long time to completly mend. I do love him!!!
The pain is everywhere..the memories are all around...but where do I put the anger?
Does it go to him alone? Do I accept some of it myself as it takes two to destroy any relationship? Does any of it go to the prostitutes that served him? What about his abusinve parents and damage they did on him?
I too am not sure where to put it either. I keep hoping that it will continue to fade with time and I wont be searching for some place to stick it. For now, for me, where the anger is coming out is that I started grinding my teeth at night while I sleep. Sounds strange, huh? I did this as a child when my parents went through their divorce and ended up having to have a bite plate made for me to use while I slept. Now, almost 30 years later, I am doing it again! URRR!
Now I find that I am angry at my H for my new destructive outlet.
Where does it end? Where do we put it? No clue!
Hugs,
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Dale you are struggling with something that we all go thru...what to do with the anger, rage...
Do not accept the anger...the A was all about your H and his decision...accept your half of the blame if there were problems in the relationship with your H...but not the A...two very different issues..
My rage was for the OW she made the decision to have sex with a married man...my rage was with my H because he had sex with so many women...at some point I had to let go of the rage...I handed it over to a higher being...I couldn't forgive my H...he broke promises to me, lied to me, treated me poorly...for many years... I forgave him quickly after D-day 1...because I believed that I was responsible for the breakdown in the relationship because H blamed me for so many thing that were his justification for the A...I found out that I was not to blame for anything relating to the A"s...all blame was H's...I never gave him permission to cheat.
Right now you need to focus on the positive things in your life...what is your H doing right? write it down, his positive actions...focus on those actions. You have to climb out of the big hole all by your self, but by focusing on the positives it helps let go of the anger...slowly as you get back in a comfortable groove you will be able to let go of the rage, anger...and the fear that has you captive too...that is all mixed in too.
You will get your self back, it just takes time, your venting right now helps with some of the anger...you are letting go of some of it...you felt a small relief...when you posted...because you let your feelings out.
hugs,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
The anger IS poison in your system. You need to learn to vent in a POSITIVE manner. I remember in therapy asking this same question. I learned this was not anger I was feeling but rage. I had been betrayed. How to deal with it was something I had to learn.
This is what worked for me. I read EVERYTHING I could find. Please check our helpful links on the left. Read dearpeggy.com every day every word.
Write here constantly. Talk to your husband with respect but get the pain out. Hurt is the under belly of anger. If you keep the hurt inside you will fester. You need to communicate your pain with respect. This is so hard to do, but essential.
Therapy is a huge help here. This is pain like you have never known. If you were in a hospital covered head to toe in wounds would you try to heal yourself? A doctor is the resource you would seek.
PTSD is a wound you can not see. However, the damage is real. Therapy with the RIGHT counselor is a very very valuable investment in your healing.
There is a lot to learn and it all takes TIME. However, all the effort is worth it. Please also know we talk about 3 types of healing. Yours, his, and the marraige. That is a lot of work, and a lot of educating that has to happen. Seek all the help you can, this board, therapy and reading.
First of all, the anger that you feel are justified feelings. You have a good reason to be angry. The key with anger is finding ways to express it that are constructive. One of the best ways of expressing my anger about the affair is to explain it to my wife in a non-threatening way. Saying to her "I feel angry..." or "Thinking about that, I feel angry...". I also have told her about destructive reactions that I would like to have to the anger, and that I struggle with them... "...I want to hurt you, but I don't think that would help." I've found this approach to work well, because she understands that I'm talking about my feelings, she is allowing me to have them without attacking them or judging me because she understands that they are justified feelings, and it keeps the anger from building.
As for who you should be angry with... I can tell you that I had a long list of parties to direct my anger. Of course, I was most angry with her, but I was also angry at the OM, at the OM's wife (she had an affair first), at her OM, at society, at my wife's friend who (unknown to us at the time) was also having an affair, at my wife's parents for not being more intimate with her, at our pastor for things he did to make my wife unwilling to ask him for help, and of course, at myself for not seeing the early signs of what was going on and doing something about it, just to name a few!
I didn't really express that anger to anyone but her, although I suspect that the OM knows that I'm angry with him too since I did speak to him right after D-day to tell him to stay away.
The key with the anger was to realize that it wasn't wrong to be angry, but it was wrong to express it destructively.
Hi Dale, This anger thing is a real struggle, isn't it? I wrongly raged a lot at my H for his affair, and I raged about the injustice, the manipulation, the lies, the continuation of the affair (and my subsequent 3 more D days), and all of it. Raged. I was so depressed I couldn't function as it all went on. But, with counseling and TONS of journaling and reading, I have learned to not rage at him anymore. I was raging (unknown to me at the time) a LOT at myself because I felt like such a huge failure after almost 30 yrs of marriage. I felt like a fool, an idiot, a zero, etc...worthless, unloveable, etc. WHY? Because I bought his accusations that it was basically my fault that he had an affair. Once I FINALLY got who was really responsible for his affair - HIM - the anger started to slow down a little at him, and I began the long process of forgiving myself for all I put up with, etc. As for anger at the OW...I've gotten to a mostly neutral place with that. She's got a problem, several problems, or she wouldn't have had an affair with a married man while she was engaged to another man, and then continued (or restarted) the affair with my H AFTER she married the other guy! "Something ain't quite right about all that..." That allowed me to see that there's no use in wasting precious life energy on someone who won't look at herself, and so acts out with a man 17 yrs her senior. It isn't just MY failure as a woman and wife that caused this. It's inside of him. His issues. Of course, I was half the marriage and DID contribute to the distance, etc. I've owned my part, allowing me for forgive myself, which has greatly lessened the anger. Do you think you are a little angry at yourself for any of this? Do you think you somehow deserved it? You DID NOT... Take good care. I've just found that my anger has gotten better with more focus on me and less on my H and that very immature affair of his. I have found his affair to be a huge catalyst for growth inside of me, and having a more reality based outlook on life. I know more of my own value and worth, and I know much more about myself and my own strengths and weaknesses. And finally, really accepting that the affair happened, and that my H is not who I always thought he was helped me. I was in huge DENIAL...(Don't Even Notice That I Am Lying...) to myself! Best of luck, and God Bless. Debby
