My WH says that he has decided to come clean and tell me the truth, after lying to me for months. He has no desire to stop doing drugs. He stopped for the first couple of months but decided what CAL didnt know wouldnt hurt her or the marriage. He said he will stop if I want him to but he doesnt understand why he cant do his drugs and have his family too since the drugs do not interfere in his life. He says that he is not using everyday like he was before and has cut down considerably. Hmmmm...can anyone say "D E N I A L"? Well, I thought I made that pretty clear on d-day #2 that he needed to stop if he was serious about reconcilliation. Apparently he is rationalizing, justifying, and compartmentalizing...the same things he did when he was cheating...it's the same behavior. So nothing really did change <sigh>!
I am so tired of everything and so depressed
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Mar 28, 2007 8:08 PM
Cal,
I am so sorry. I guess it's just one of those things that they need to "get" on their own time...that's if they ever do get it. I believe that you have put in 100+ percent. We can only do so much and the rest is up to them. I feel sad for you because I know you tried on your part. I wish I had that in me to try with my H. But the reality is that I don't feel anything that makes me want to try. As much as I have closed myself out, so has H and we are only existing. I think I am at the point where soon I will have to be the one to end this M because now I am feeling guilt that I can't show what a M should look like to my children. This is no example for them to follow and now I fear that I am messing up their future M. Even today it's H's birthday and I have not said anything to him. I really feel that I don't care either. But I feel bad for the kids because, is this what a wife should do for her H on his birthday? Not a good example and soon I feel that my M will blow away like dust. You did all you could because you still love him. That is a good thing. It is him with the problem of not wanting to give up the bad habit. I'm not sure if I helped, but I do feel for you.
I am sorry the two of you are merely existing. My WH says he will understand if I throw him out. LOL! Pretty funny I think. He makes me the scapegoat. He can tell everyone "he tried" but he didnt really! He did what suited him and his best interest at the time. He is 100% selfish and selfcentered. It's all about him and what he wants and it always will be. There can never be a "we" with him, I see that now. What made me think he could really change? Love & hope I guess. But it was never about not loving him enough. He says I always made him feel loved. So then why does one cheat then? Why does one turn to drugs instead of their family? Logically I get it though but these are things my heart will never understand
You are right Jetta, what is this teaching our children? It's Ok to be a doormat...it's ok not to care? I dont know anything anymore. Nothing seems real to me. All I do know is this is not what I wanted.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
>He makes me the scapegoat. He can tell everyone "he tried" but he didnt really!
Although I don't think you need to justify anything to "everyone", in some circles addiction to illegal drugs and no desire to break the addiction is considered reasonable grounds for the breakdown of a marriage relationship.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Mar 28, 2007 10:53 PM
Good day Cal. I feel sad and dissapointed with you. The only thought that occurred to me is something that is said here and I have heard in other places - you can't depend on your happiness if you are thinking you will change others. I know this is a sad and painful truth. This is not to say that others don't change - they do. And this is also not to say we should not try and help others too - We should. No., What I am saying is that we can't depend on others changing to be happy ourselves. I know you know all this. But.. Well This is what occurred to me. I feel it occurred to me as this is something I have to work on too. In my case (and there may be some similarities with your H), my realisation is that my wife is really not the person I had thought she was and has a real fundamental weakness and this is her in ability to understand the depth of love I can go to and need for myself in a marriage partner. I can see in her that she simply found the A a manageable thing to do and this clearly shows how she is unable to understand where I would feel on such a thing. For me, you see, I could not do what she did. This is not to say I am so strong that I may not tempted .. But the difference is that if I went with another woman it would be the end of my marriage - I know this. So.. getting back to your H.. To me it feels like he simply does not understand what you are trying to communicate to him. And words cannot do this. He has to get it inside. If he cannot then perhaps you cannot put it in there very easily .. if at all. You have been here before Carole. It seems to me that he has decided he is prepared to lose you and the family for his own internal dream of himself... And the drugs are probably greatly assisting him holding on to that dream.
When I looked at the pictures of your children and H on holiday I realised also how he is - And your description fits. He thinks he is a 18 year old cool kid. He is not grown up. I believe it is a failure of many men. And we have to see how this comes about too - family background too. My view you have to give him a choice again and this time ratch up the game a notch. Tell him he must leave and give him a period to be away ie 3 months to get his act together.
I wish I could find so simple a solution myself but the change in my case is so structural I feel I am wanting my wife to be transformed.
Thanks for your words Jerry. Yes, I do know that you cannot change another and I am sad that he did not change as he said he would. I am depressed because this is not what I wanted to happen. And yes I know I have no control over the outcome of things. I know I will not let this get me down for long. It is another bump in the road as they say. And when you fall off you pick yourself back up and keep going. But sometimes we need a moment to pause and reflect...that is what I am doing...just pausing and reflecting. When I am sure what I will do I will move forward. And you're right....it's time to kick it up a notch! Raise the stakes, so to speak. He has to make the choice...drugs or his family, just like he had to choose OW or his family. This is going to be on him....not me! I am not going to be his scapegoat. Thanks Jerry
Thank you JL and Tom. Between addiction and infidelity, how can any marriage survivie? They are both destructive behaviors to the marriage and self destructive to the individual.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Mar 29, 2007 7:52 AM
<<Helping your spouse regain your trust is a noble effort when they work toward that goal. Sacrificing your own well being on the other hand to try to change the behavior of your spouse when it is clear they dont want to change I believe only hurts you more, because then you arent putting enough energy to your own healing, its all going to trying to get them to "change" or "stop" doing what they are doing, which wont work unless they decide to do that for themselves.>>
In another post on "healing" Marc wrote the above quote. These are words to live by when someone you love is not willing to do the work necessary in order to heal the marriage. I know this! But knowing something in your head is not the same as feeling something in your heart, which is why all of this infidelity stuff is just so soooooooo hard. This is why "letting go" and taking care of you is vital to your own healing. YES! YES! YES! This is why upholding my boundaries protects ME....I am worth it!
OK....self-inflicted pep talk, I know, but when I find inspiration I try to use it
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I joined Naranon online. They have meetings online and a board like this one. Other than being pretty much like most other 12 step program, the advice is similar to the advice most of us give here about affairs, just switch the topic to drugs/alcohol. Most of the information I have received I already knew. But it's is a band of people, like here on HH, who have been where you are and know what you are going through, and that is helpful.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Hi Cal.
I think you basically suspected something like this. I am so sorry that your H doesn't see the damage he is doing. He does have maturity problems, but then age is no indicator of emotional maturity, is it? I can feel your frustration and almost resigned disappointment. However you decide to proceed, look after yourself and your kids first (I know you will). You are strong, and capable, but unfortunately your H doesn't seem to realise what he is sacrificing to his own selfish desires.
You write,
"He said he will stop if I want him to but he doesnt understand why he cant do his drugs and have his family too since the drugs do not interfere in his life. "
Reminds me so much of d day. My H said " Cindy ( ow #2 )didn't interfere with our life. Numbers 3 and 4 were yet to come.
H truly felt that a 7 year affair did NOT interefere with our life. It was the ow he liked best, but it was just once a week. The others were more frequent since they lived closer. They he acknowledged took more of his time and there for he conceded they DID interfere with our life... some what.
This was all on d day. As you know H has done a COMPLETE turn around.
I there for strongly suggest you figure out what your H needs for an education. I do NOT believe throwing him out will solve your problem. You DID throw him out, and it made him realize he had a lot to loose. He even says he will stop drugs if YOU want him to. It is NOT that he doesn't love you, he just doesn't know any better.
I really really would insist that he go to whatever programs you feel would EDUCATE him. Throwing him out doesn't solve your problem. It simply separates you from his problems which may be what you need at this point.
When I went for aids testing my gyn asked me why, as I cried hysterically. I told him. He said he too had been cheated on, and he had learned that separating is NOT the best way to heal the marraige. He left his wife, he spoke from a broken heart.
He asked if I truly loved H. I said I used to but didn't know anymore. He said if he is remorseful and willing to work the M can be healed but he belongs at home. Those words carried me through some tough days. At one point I DID throw H out, and he begged to come back. He said it was then that he realized all he had to loose.
Cal. you did throw H out once and he too realized all he had to loose. I don't think a second toss will work the miracle you seek. I truly believe educating him is now in order. I think his behavior has improved considerably. NOt enough true, but he has shown remorse, and love. He has also shown falling back into drugs which according to Ami is normal. I hope Cal, you find enough strength to do what is right for YOU what ever that is, but don't make a decision that will hurt more than heal you.
Yes your boundaries have been violated, but maybe with the help of counseling BOTH of you together can find a solution. I hate the fact that you are not in MC together. I know for me it made a HGUE difference. It helped me to figure out how to help rather than attack. I was so filled with anger. I could not speak about it till a year later. I was so afraid of my own feelings. Eventually I learned how to deal with all the betrayals and the hurt and the agony. My h financially betrayed us, as did yours. My kids lost out on a lot because their father was not there for them. This is one of the reasons I feel I can never forgive, but I can accept. It happened it is in the past. He has since done EVERYTHING he can to earn our love and respect. How can you help your H to become the man he deserves to be?
WH said to his IC that he doesnt want MC, so it doesnt matter whether he is ready or not. He also gave me the "get over it already" speech. Sure he is doing better, but he has lied to me for months, and knew where I stood about drugs on d-day 2. Does that sound like he is truly remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes?
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Apr 1, 2007 8:35 PM
It is like all of this is a game with this man. He really doesnt think he is going to lose me because he knows how much I value my family. He is like a 14 year old, who is teatering on the brink of adulthood but not quite there yet, and testing the waters to see what they can get away with. They want to do grown up things yet they are not ready for it. They would rather go off and party and not take responsibility for their own actions. That's what it feels like trying to deal with him, reason with him, communicate with him, and set boundaries. He thinks after a few months of being "good" he is off the hook and has done enough. It's such a shame. He just never really grew up... he still thinks he's 16 years old.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
